


The Confusion of Hopeless Hearts

by Fangirl4life



Category: Smosh, youtube - Fandom
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorders, Fluff, M/M, Recovery, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-29
Updated: 2015-12-31
Packaged: 2018-03-26 07:08:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 33
Words: 65,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3841738
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fangirl4life/pseuds/Fangirl4life
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian is in a car accident and after the incident he realizes some things about himself, namely his feelings for his best friend. Little does he know Anthony has his own mental struggles as well.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You are Forever on My Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian starts to pick up the pieces of his life after the accident.

Ian's POV  
It was all fine, until the car caught on fire. I was alone in my car, eating a box of doughnuts. The smell of coffee and freshly baked doughnuts blocked out the slight smell of gasoline. When I turned the key and the car exploded. The next few seconds past in a blur, all I remember was a burst of heat and light. Looking back, I don't remember any pain or fear, just confusion. Apparently I got out of the car before it exploded. I woke up to see all white, people say that you think your dead but really I just thought the lights were too bright. It was then that I felt the pain. It felt like my skin had been peeled off. I tried to say something but my jaw wasn't moving. I managed to let out a low moan and hoped someone heard. Thankfully, someone did. A nurse walked to me and checked some tubes and screens. She smiled at me and sat down next to me. 

"How are you doing?" 

It took me a moment to remember how to speak but I managed to say "what happened?" But it probably sounded more like "wult herpn?" 

I guess nurses are trained to understand people who can't use their faces because she answered 

"there was an issue with your car, it caught on fire. You're lucky to be alive." 

I would have winced but I still didn't have full mussel movement. 

"You're emergency contact is here to see you, do you mind if they come in?" 

I shook my head and she walked out the door to the hallway. I couldn't remember who my emergency contact was, it used to be Melanie and I couldn't remember changing it. I swear if my ex girlfriend walked in... Fortunately she didn't, Anthony Padilla walked through the door. He looked terrible, dark circles ringed his eyes and his hair was tangled and messy. 

"Ian," he sighed "thank God you're alright."

He sat down in the chair next to me and grasped my hand. His hands were warm and soft, they made me feel better. I wish I could have said something but I still couldn't talk well 

"how are you?" He asked, his deep brown eyes filled with concern 

"fine" I managed to choke out. He seized my hand with both of his 

"I was so worried," 

He brought my hand to his lips, usually this caring action would calm me down but today is freaked me out. I was probably on a ton of medication which was making me act weird. 

"The nurse says you will be alright to leave in about a week," he said.

I nodded but didn't have the energy to say anything else. The nurse walked over and put her hand on Anthony's shoulder 

"Mr. Hecox needs to rest, you can see him again tomorrow."

Anthony let go of my hand and stood, I missed the warmth his hand had provided as soon as he walked out the door. The nurse moved around the room, picking up some loose papers and medical supplies. I closed my eyes and immediately fell asleep.

 

I opened my eyes and he room was empty. I looked around for anything to do but there wasn't even a magazine or anything. I moved my fingers and toes; although stiff and sore, they hurt less. I moved my arm and had the same feeling. I sat up, pain shot through my torso but at least my back felt less stiff. A doctor walked in.

"feeling better, Mr. Hecox?" He asked 

"yeah," 

My voice was hoarse from not being used in so long. He handed me a glass of water, which I gulped down. It felt like drinking fire but I felt better afterwards.

"What day is it?" He sat down and set down his clipboard. 

"it's Friday. You've been here for three days."

I nodded, unsure of what else to do. Fortunately for me, he kept talking "your friend Mr. Padilla visited you everyday, you know; he's a sweet boy." 

I felt myself blushing and was glad he had turned to leave 

"oh," he looked back at me "a nurse will be in shortly to give you back your possessions." 

I realized that most of the things I had with me had probably been lost in the fire. For some reason the picture of Anthony and I that I always carried in my wallet flashed through my mind.

 

Like the doctor said, a nurse came in with a box full of odds and ends from my pockets and car. She set the box down next to me and I looked inside. Inside was my phone, DS, keys, wallet, and a few crumpled dollars. I took out the wallet and opened it. The picture was right where it should be. The picture had been taken last year; Anthony had his arm around my shoulder and I had mine around his waist. Both of us were smiling and laughing; our bodies pressed together. I put the picture back in my wallet and picked up my phone and saw about twenty message notifications. I scrolled through them and saw one that caught my eye. Most were pretty generic "get well soon" messages but there was one from Anthony stood out.

"Hi Ian. If I haven't seen you yet since you woke up I'm sorry and I'll visit soon. Anyway, everyone's excited to have you back soon but take your time to recover, your health is more important than your health and happiness. I left a box of doughnuts at the front desk so just ask them to bring them to you. Text me if you need anything!" 

I smiled and put down my phone as the doctor walked back in. 

"We need to run a few tests; it won't hurt, I promise." 

That was the last time I trusted a doctor, it hurt. It hurt a lot, actually. Having a needle stuck into your arm and then have them pull out a good amount of blood is not a good feeling. Then they clean it with a cotton ball soaked in disinfect. You know when you use hand sanitizer but you have a cut in your hand, yeah, it's like that but way worse. A nurse handed me a cup of light blue liquid and told me to drink it, it tasted like mouthwash mixed with gasoline- not enjoyable. When they left I regretted not asking about those doughnuts.

Despite its horrible taste, the blue liquid was making me feel a lot better. Joven visited me briefly and left a bouquet of flowers from the rest of the crew. I was now able to have full conversations and move pretty well. I had tried to walk but my mussels weren't quite up for that yet. I'm supposed to be able to leave in a few days, thank God.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Leave kudos and comments if you liked it. Leave feedback either in the comments or on my tumblr (https://www.tumblr.com/blog/that-fangirl-becca). Chapters will be posted every Sunday so see you then!


	2. Lost Without You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony struggles to deal with Ian being in the hospital.

Anthony's POV:  
I was scrolling through Twitter when my phone rang. I really wasn't in the mood for talking so I almost let it go to voicemail. Just before it rang for the last time I pressed the "answer" button. 

"Hello," the voice over the line said "is this Mr. Anthony Padilla?"

"Yeah, wha- what's going on?"

"We're sorry to inform you but your friend Mr. Ian Hecox was in an accident." My heart sped up and my brain started crashing coming up with horrible situations.

"He's at the Los Angeles Emergency Care Center." I didn't know how to react. My legs felt weak and my palms were sweating.

"Is- is he alright?" My voice cracked as I asked, almost not wanting to hear the answer.

"We can't say anything right now but he is improving." I let out a sigh of relief and ran my hands through my hair.

"Can I see him?" 

"He isn't conscious but he's stable so, yes, you can see him."

 

I paced the hall outside Ian's room. The nurse said she would get me as soon as possible but that had been ten minutes ago. Finally, she came out and gestured for me to come in. Ian was laying on the hospital bed, he looked horrible. His skin was bright red and large patches were covered in large blood-stained bandages. There was a chair next to him so I sat down. The nurse left and I was alone with Ian. I wasn't sure what I should do but in movies people always talked to their friends, even if they couldn't hear them.

"Um, hi, Ian." I felt like an idiot.

"So, um, what's up?" This was so stupid.

"I just want to tell you that we're here for you, buddy. You're going to be fine because.... Just because. Love you, dude, hope you get better soon."

I stood and left the room. I'm really glad the nurse hadn't been close enough to hear because I felt like an idiot. I wanted to do more for Ian but I wasn't sure what, I figured I could pick him up some flowers or something -people did that right?- but I wanted to do something a little more personal. I wanted to get him something he'd like, something that would make him feel truly appreciated: doughnuts. I walked out of the double doors feeling far better than I had walking in.

"We should take a break from filming today." I said to the guys at Smosh Games.

"Yeah, I don't think we can film any good content when we're all worried about Ian." Mari agreed.

We sat around the studio. Everyone seemed tense and awkward, as if there was something they needed to say but no one would.

"Anthony, I think we need to talk about what happens if- if something happens." Joven said gently.

"No, he's going to be fine! Why would you even say that?"

I couldn't believe he would say something like that. Ian was going to be fine. We had no need to talk about replacing him, no one could replace Ian.

"We know he will but as a professional company, we need to talk about it." Flitz said, putting his hand on my shoulder -as if that would fix everything.

"Fine, if Ian dies then we all just go on with our lives! How about that?!"

I stormed out of the room and out of the building. I knew that I was overreacting but I couldn't help it. I saw Mari and Sohinki running after me but I was already at my car. I got in and started the ignition. I pulled out of the parking lot and started the drive back to my apartment.

 

It was 1:00 AM and I was wasted as shit. I lost count of how many beers I had had but the last time I checked it was around twenty, that couldn't be good. I was starting to drift off which was probably best for my health. I couldn't stop thinking about how much Ian meant to me and how I would do anything for him. I wished I could talk to him, wished I could remind him how much I love him. My eyelids felt like weights and I fell asleep with the image of Ian's face in my mind.

I spent most of the next day sleeping off my hangover. I got a box of doughnuts for Ian and visited him to say hi but I wasn't up for much more than that. The whole idea of being active or really participating in life seemed thoroughly unappealing. So I mainly just rested in my apartment. Everyone from Smosh Games called at some point and I started to feel really bad about how I'd treated them. Part of me wanted to call and apologize but another part wanted to just stay in my house and watch TV. I settled on texting each of them; saying how sorry I was, how much of a dick I was, and I understand their point of view. I just hoped that we never had to have that conversation again.

It was 11:00 AM when the hospital called the next day. I sent up a silent prayer to every religion I could think of before I answered it. "Please let it be good news" was all I could think.

"Mr. Padilla," 

I wasn't superstitious but I had my fingers crossed during that phone call. 

"We're happy to inform you that Mr. Hecox is awake and responsive."

I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding and smiled for the first time since I had gotten the first call from the hospital.

"Can I visit him?" My voice cracked and a single tear ran down my cheek. 

"Of course, he can't talk much but I'm sure he'll love to see you."

 

I walked into Ian's room and saw him laying on the bed. His skin was slightly less inflamed and he was covered in a few less bandages. 

"Ian," I sighed as I walked to him "thank God you're alright."

I sat down in the chair next to him. I took his hand in mine; his hands were hot, as if he had a bad fever. He didn't say anything but his eyes said a silent thank you.

"How are you?" I realized he probably couldn't talk and asking questions was pointless. 

"Fine," he said. His voice was hoarse and it sounded like every word hurt him.

"I was so worried."

I pressed his hand against my lips. I realized that this could have been seen as an odd thing to do to a friend, but the word friend didn't quite cover what I felt towards Ian. He was like my brother, he had always been there for me, and I loved him. He didn't say anything and the silence was starting to feel awkward.

"The nurse says you will be alright to leave in about a week,"

He nodded but before I could say anything else the nurse put her hand on my shoulder.

"Mr. Hecox needs to rest, you can see him again tomorrow."

I let go of his hand and stood. As soon as I left I felt tired. Ian always had a way of making me feel better and without him I was lost.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep reading and leaving comments and kudos. Next chapter will be up next week. Love you guys!


	3. Home is Wherever You Are

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian gets to leave the hospital and moves back in with Anthony.

Ian's POV:  
"Hey,"

My eyes fluttered open and I saw Anthony sitting beside me. 

"Watching me sleep? Stalker." I joked.

He smiled "I've only been here for a few minutes, don't freak out."

I sat up. I felt much better since my rest. I looked at the clock, it was 8:00 AM. 

"Can't say I blame you, I look pretty great when I sleep."

He rolled his eyes "beautiful,"

My stomach growled loudly.

"Want me to get a nurse to get you something to eat?"

"Want to split that box of doughnuts?"

 

The doughnuts were a day old but they had been in the fridge and still tasted amazing. Anthony let me have the first choice and didn't argue when I took all the best ones.

"Ian, do you want to stay with me once you get out? You know, to make sure you don't get hurt?"

I nodded. I had been worried about living on my own when the doctors had said that I could have movement troubles for up to a month, that and I really missed living with Anthony.

 

When I finally got to leave the hospital the doctors gave me a huge ass binder of stuff to do, medications to take, and numbers to call. I could barely walk and Anthony had to hold me up. I stumbled as we walked out the door and he had to grab me by the waist to keep me from falling. We locked eyes and he laughed awkwardly. His brown eyes appeared to have golden streaks in them from the sunlight. He helped me back to my feet and didn't say anything until we got into his car.

"Want to get some coffee?" He asked as we pulled out of the parking lot.

"Yeah, sure."

He took out a camera and handed it to me.

"Get this set up, will you? We wanted to shoot a "Ian's not dead" video. That ok?"

I nodded as I turned it on and hit the record button. It felt good to be recording again, the whole thing came naturally. We went through our normal laughs and jokes as we ordered coffees and doughnuts. We arrived at Anthony's apartment and he took out his phone as I set down the doughnut box. 

"Finding Twitter questions, finding Twitter questions!" He sang. 

It sounded good to hear him sing that again, like everything was back to normal.

"Ian, @Smosh_fan420 asks, who's taking care of Daisy?"

I had texted Mari my first day awake and asked her to watch my dog while I was in the hospital.

"Mari's taking care of her but tomorrow she's going to come stay with Anthony and I."

"Future_mrs_hecox18 asks would you rather suck a dick or get rammed in the ass?"

"Suck a dick, duh, if they hurt you you could bite off their cocks."

"Last question, Ianthony_shipper162 asks would you rather have the world ruled by spiders or cockroaches?"

"Cockroaches, spiders are poisonous. What would you rate this meal, Anthony?" 

"117 out of 125 not-dead Ians."

 

I turned off the camera and helped Anthony clean up the mess from the video. He didn't need to show me my room, I knew his apartment well. I dropped a small bag that held the things the doctors had given me in the ground next to the bed. I flopped down, happy to be in a comfortable bed again. Anthony knocked on my door after a few minutes.

"I'm going to start making dinner, it will be ready in an hour or so. Feel free to get some rest."

I took his advise. I slept for almost an hour before I felt a hand on my shoulder. I opened my eyes and saw Anthony sitting on my bed, gently shaking me awake.

"Dinner's ready,"

He walked back out and I followed him. Two plates of food sat in his table; I'd never tell him but his shitty vegan food smelled pretty damn good.

It tasted even better. We talked for an hour and a half before Anthony glanced at his watch.

"Ian, it's 11:00, the doctors didn't want you staying up too late. We should get to bed."

I nodded and took my plate out to the kitchen. He yawned and, I had to admit, it was kind of cute; his eyes scrunched up and he let out a gentle sigh.

"Goodnight, Anthony." I said as a walked to my room.

"Goodnight, Ian." He called from behind the wall.

 

I opened my eyes to the smell of pancakes cooking. I rubbed my eyes and sat up. I didn't hurt too badly and I rolled out of bed.

Anthony was standing in front of the stove in his boxers. Sometimes I forget how much better he looks since he started eating better and working out. I felt a little self conscious about the way I looked but I forgot once he turned and looked at me. His dark eyes sparkled and his bright smile spread across his face. 

"Mornin', Ian." He greeted warmly.

I mumbled something incoherent and picked up a cup of coffee. I rolled my eyes at him when I saw the almond milk sitting on the counter but I poured it into my coffee anyway.

He put the pancakes on two plates and handed me one. We walked to the table and sat down. I took a bite out of the pancakes. They were fucking amazing.

"How are they?" 

"Amazing," I mumbled through my full mouth.

"I'm sorry, did Ian Andrew Hecox just say something something vegan was good?" 

I swallowed and stuck my tongue out at him as I rolled my eyes. We both finished our breakfast and watched a few reruns of Game of Thrones. Neither of us really cared about the action on the screen though, we were more focused on talking to each other. 

"Sohinki is hosting an "Ian's Not Dead" party. Are you up for going tomorrow night?" 

"Yeah, sounds good."

He pulled out his phone and sent a text confirming that we'd be there. I looked at my watch, it was almost 11:00. Mari would be dropping of Daisy soon and, knowing Mari, staying for lunch. That meant that I should probably get dressed; or at least put on a clean shirt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for all your support! Please keep leaving kudos and comments, they mean so much. Next chapter will be up Sunday. Feel free to leave any comments or criticisms for me. Until next time!


	4. I Love Us

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony gets used to living with Ian again.

Anthony's POV:

Ian's eyelids fluttered as he slept. He looked so peaceful; his lips noticeably parted and his muscles relaxed. He shifted slightly and his eyes opened slightly as he woke. 

"Hey," 

He yawned and turned his head to look at me, his beaming blue eyes now fully open.

"Watching me sleep? Stalker."

"I've only been here a few minutes, don't freak out."

He sat up, wincing from the movement but less than he did yesterday. 

"Can't say I blame you," he said once he was upright " I look pretty great when I sleep."

I rolled my eyes. I had really missed his stupid jokes.

"Beautiful,"

His stomach growled and he blushed. 

"Want me to get a nurse to bring you something to eat?" 

"Want to split that box of doughnuts?"

 

Despite them being a day old, the doughnuts were still as good as when they were fresh. I felt a little bad for Ian -most of his meals were month old microwavable dinners from the frozen section- so I let him have the best doughnuts; but all of them were incredible. Something had been nagging at me ever since Ian woke up. I couldn't handle the thought of Ian living on his own when he could hardly sit up without wincing in pain. 

"Ian, do you want to stay with me once you get out?" That sounded less awkward in my head "you know, to make sure you don't get hurt?"

Fortunately Ian smiled enthusiastically and nodded. I was excited to have Ian living with me again, life was so much more exciting with him around.

 

Checking Ian out was a bitch. Someone had checked the "lover" box instead of the "friend" box so when I arrived the woman at the desk made things unbelievably awkward.

"Mr. Padilla, here to pick up your boyfriend Mr. Hecox?"

"Wait, what?"

Of course the girl standing next to me watched Smosh.

"You and Ian and DATING?!" 

"No, ma'am, there's been a mistake. Ian's not my boyfriend."

The fan beside me was still freaking out and the woman behind the desk looked about 100% done with me.

"Sir, all I know is that's what your file says."

I gave up and just signed the paper. I guess Ian and I were legally dating now; according to the hospital at least.

 

When they brought out Ian he could hardly walk and I had to hold him up. He did eventually fall over but I managed to catch him just before he hit the ground. We locked eyes and I saw him lick his lips. I laughed it off as I pulled him back to his feet. I waited for him to say something but he stayed silent until we got into the car. The silence was too awkward and I had to say something.

"Want to get some coffee?"

"Yeah, sure."

He didn't say anything after that but I got an idea. I pulled out a camera from my bag and handed it to him.

"Get this set up will you? We wanted to shoot an "Ian's Not Dead" video." I realized that he was still tried and felt a little bad for making him shoot a video "that ok?"

He nodded as he set up the camera. I still felt bad but he seemed happy as we recorded. He made a joke about a car with eyelashes on the headlights and a dude sitting on his couch in the back of his pickup. I really loved shooting with him and was really happy to have him back.

 

When the video was over Ian helped me clean up despite my protests. He went into my spare room where he would be staying. I pulled out the stuff for dinner and walked to Ian's room. I knocked on the door hesitantly.

"I'm gonna start making dinner, it will be ready in an hour or so," he must be exhausted "feel free to get some rest."

I walked back to the kitchen and got stuff out for dinner. I decided on simple back bean tacos, figuring Ian wouldn't give me too much shit for the vegan thing if it was tacos.

 

I put the tacos into the oven to bake and sat down on the couch. I pulled out my phone and saw a text from Sohinki.

"Hey, dude. If Ian's up for it tomorrow I was thinking about throwing Ian a party. Don't worry I'll just invite the guys from Smosh, no need to socialize too much ;) anyways, ask Ian and text me back."

I walked to Ian's room and poked my head in, intending to wake him and ask him how he felt about going to Sohinki's party but when I saw him I changed my mind. He was curled up with his face buried in the pillows, his hair was messy and fell over his closed eyes, his knees were tucked up by his chest; he looked adorable. I closed the door gently and went back into the living room. I'd ask him later.

 

The alarm on the oven beeped to tell me dinner was done. I turned it off and pulled out some lettuce and tomatoes as toppings. I walked into Ian's room and sat down on his bed. I hadn't meant to stare at him he just looked so... Him. I felt a little bad but I gently shook him awake. He mumbled slightly and buried his face further into the pillows. It took him a few seconds to wake up but he eventually opened his eyes. 

"Dinner's ready,"

I stood and walked out, making sure he followed and didn't just go back to bed. 

 

Ian scrolled through his Twitter feed as we ate. He smiled and tried to hide a laugh.

"What?"

He looked up at me and just shook his head.

"I'm serious, what's so funny?"

He slid his phone across the table and on it was a screenshot someone had taken off one of those websites that told you the meaning behind your name. 

 

Anthony (an-thow-nee)  
Heritage- Roman  
Meaning- flower, flowery, relating to or about flowers

I looked further down the tweet and saw a second picture of me wearing a flower crown after some various game bang. The caption underneath read "Anthony Padilla the flower princess"

I smiled and rolled my eyes before giving him back his phone. He stood and I gave him a questioning look.

"Close your eyes, I'll be right back."

I put a hand over my eyes and rested him head on the table. I heard some rummaging before I heard Ian's footprints renter the room. He touched my face and I jerked away but kept my eyes closed.

"Don't move!"

He tucked something behind my ear and laughed.

"Okay fine, open your eyes."

I did and he handed me his phone, the screen showed his front-facing camera. Ian had tucked one of the flowers Joven got him behind my ear. Although a little wilted the flower still had its bright pink coloration and looked absolutely ridiculous. He took back his phone and pointed it at me.

"Ian, no photos!" I shouted in between bursts of laughter.

"Of come on, just one?"

"Fine, just one."

I heard the camera click and he showed me the picture, which was now posted on Twitter. I rolled my eyes and glanced at my watch; 11:00.

"Ian it's 11:00, the doctors didn't want you staying up too late. We should get to bed."

We took the plates into the kitchen and put them into the sink. He walked into his room but shouted goodnight just as he closed his door.

"Goodnight, Ian."

 

When I woke up Ian was still sleeping. I figure since it was his first real day out of the hospital the least I could do would be make him a nice breakfast. I got out a box of pancake mix from the cupboard, careful not to make much noise. I could hear Ian snoring softly so I knew he was still asleep. I started making the pancakes and listened to the rhythmic sound of Ian's breathing.

The door opened and Ian stumbled out clumsily. He was wearing a pair of sweatpants and a hoodie. 

"Mornin' Ian,"

He made what I could only imagine to be his form of a greeting but all that came out was a tired mumble. I smiled and went back to the pancakes. He poured himself a cup of coffee and rolled his eyes at the carton of almond milk. He poured the vegan milk into his coffee and I put the handed him a plate of pancakes.

"How are they?" I asked as he took a bite.

"Amazing,"

Wow, that wasn't the reply I was expecting. Usually he refused to accept that anything vegan could be vaguely good.

"I'm sorry, did Ian Andrew Hecox just say something vegan was good?"

He stuck out his tongue and rolled his eyes. We finished breakfast quickly and turned on the TV. We watched an episode of Game of Thrones but neither were paying much attention. I remembered the text from Sohinki last night a figured now would be a good time to ask him.

"Sohinki's hosting an "Ian's Not Dead" party tomorrow night. Are you up for going?"

"Yeah sounds good," he replied.

I pulled out my phone to text Sohinki and saw the Anthony the Flower Princess post was blowing up on Twitter. Ian was such an idiot but we loved him anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I love all the support you guys have given me so please don't stop leaving comments and kudos, it means so much. I have exams in two weeks so the next two chapters might be a little short or have typos so I'm sorry in advance. 
> 
> Completely unrelated note: this chapter is dedicated to Joey Graceffa. He's a youtuber who came out as gay yesterday and we are all so proud.


	5. All This Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mari brings over Daisy and eats lunch with Ian and Anthony. Ian gets jealous of the way Anthony acts around Mari and later has some realizations about himself.

Anthony was still in the shower when his phone went off. I looked at the screen and saw a message from Mari.

"Bringing Daisy over. Be there in 10."

I walked to the bathroom door.

"Hurry up, Mari's going to be here in 10 minutes."

"Ok, thanks,"

I walked back and sat down on the couch. I heard the door open and instinctively looked behind me. I saw Anthony standing with a towel tide around his waist. It was tied just low enough that I could see his prominent hip bones and the way his mussels formed a V shape on his abdomen. Water dripped from his dark hair and ran down his skin. He clearly didn't notice me staring because he walked into his bedroom without saying anything. I wasn't sure why the sight of Anthony captivated me so much, I guess I was just happy we were both alive and healthy.

He walked out wearing a new shirt and pair of pants. He sat down next to me, he smelled shampoo and shaving cream. There was a knock on the door and we both jumped up to open it. When Anthony opened it Mari was standing with Daisy on a leash. She walked in and detached Daisy's leash. She ran up to me excitedly and I knelt down to pet her. She licked my face and pawed at the ground exuberantly. Daisy noticed something in the kitchen and ran over to it. I heard a loud bark and a disgruntled meow. All three of us looked into the kitchen and saw Daisy- tail wagging and tongue hanging out- looking at a very angry Pip. Pip's hair was standing strait up and his tail was waiving menacingly. I led Daisy away from the cat and Anthony picked him up.

"Sorry, I forgot Pip might not like Daisy..." I said embarrassedly.

He shrugged, still holding Pip.

"It's fine, he'll warm up to her." 

"So what's for lunch?" Mari asked.

Even though we hadn't been formally invited to stay we had known each other so long she didn't even bother to ask. Anthony set down Pip who ran into Anthony's bedroom and picked up his phone. 

"I don't care, want to just order pizza?"

 

We ordered two cheese pizzas. Despite the fact that Anthony was vegan he often cheated because life without pizza or ice cream isn't life at all. Anthony pulled out three bottles of sparkling water and handed one to both of us. Daisy laid down by our feet in hopes of catching any scraps of food that fell.

"So what's been going on at the office lately?" I asked Mari.

"An episode of Mari Craft, a Game Bang, and a Smosh Smash came out. We're filming a Grand Theft Smosh tomorrow."

"And we started writing a script for a new main channel video." Anthony added.

Pip inched his way into the room, eyeing Daisy warily. Daisy picked up her head and panted excitedly when he saw the cat.

Daisy didn't do anything when Pip jumped onto the table besides wag her tail faster. Anthony tried to shop him off but the cat only jumped back up. 

"Sorry 'bout him, he's got a mind of his own."

Besides taking up space, Pip didn't cause any major problems for the first few minutes but after a few minutes he turned around and knocked over Mari's drink. She cursed and jumped in surprise as the water spilled onto her T-shirt. Anthony immediately started apologizing and grabbed a paper towel. I caught my breath as I saw him press the towel against her upper chest, he wasn't any lower than her collar bone but it still wasn't an appropriate thing for him to do to a friend. She grabbed his wrist and they locked eyes. The tension in the room was so high it was almost unbearable.

"Sorry," he mumbled after a few minutes.

"It's fine, I can get changed before heading to Sohinki's anyways,"

"Yeah, so... um... see you there?"

"Uh, yeah, guess so."

She grabbed her bag and left without saying anything else. 

I was about to say something but Anthony disappeared into his room and shut the door. I picked up the empty pizza boxes and through them away before going into my own room. I could hear Anthony talking to someone over the phone but couldn't hear what he was saying. I closed my eyes and laid down, hoping to get an hour of sleep or so before heading over to Sohinki's house, who knew how long we'd be out.

 

My sleep was restless, I couldn't relax when my mind was full of nightmares. 

In my first dream I was in a church, a wedding was happening around me. I looked around and saw Anthony standing at the alter and smiling. Here Comes the Bride started playing through the room and I saw someone in a long wedding dress walk down the isle. She walked up to Anthony, a veil covered her face. Anthony lifted the veil and I saw the dark hair and eyes that belonged to Mari. I felt my eyes fill with tears; I wasn't sure why, I should have been happy for my best friend but something felt wrong. I realized suddenly as they read their vows that I wanted to take Mari's place beside Anthony, I wanted to be saying my vows to him and him to me, I wanted him. 

It's an odd feeling, realizing you're in love with your best friend. The first step is denial, you try to ignore it in hopes that it goes away, but of course, it doesn't.

Next in rationalization, you try to come up with some reason, any reason for your feeling besides love. I was thankful he was being such a great friend, I missed living with him, I was still in shock from the accident; all of these were bullshit.

Finally the third is acceptance. It was during that nap I accepted that I had fallen in love with Anthony. I couldn't tell you when I fell for him, maybe I loved him ever since I slept over at his house and played Mario in 6th grade, but no matter when it happened I really and truly loved him. The only issue was, he was straight. I'd known him all my life and he'd never liked a guy. He had grown up in a homophobic home and although he accepted people who liked the same sex, the idea of being gay himself was out of the question. The last time I had really liked a guy was senior year of high school but I never told anyone, even Anthony, because I was scared that other kids in the school would bully me. Anthony didn't even know I was bi. 

Anthony walked into my room without knocking and I pretended to be asleep. I heard him sigh and felt him sit down on the other side of the bed. I expected him to tell me to wake up or something but he just sat there. After a few minutes he stood back up and walked over to my side of the bed, he kissed my forehead head and I prayed that I didn't blush.

"Goodnight, Ian." He whispered.

When I heard the door click shut I smiled and whispered so quietly I could barley hear it.

"I love you, Anthony."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I kind of wanted to make Ian wait longer to figure out that he was in love with Anthony but I decided to go with this because it was just so cute. Tell me in the comments if you liked the way I've done it. Next chapter will be up next Sunday. See you then!


	6. First Class Fuck-Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony needs help dealing with embarrassing himself in front of Ian.

Anthony's POV  
I ran my hands through my hair and felt the hot water run over my skin. It felt good to get rid of some of the stress from the last few days. I just stood in the spray of water for a few minutes and felt the steam rising around me. I knew that I didn't have much time before Mari came over with Daisy but the water felt so much better then the cold air. I let myself lean against the tile wall of the shower and closed my eyes. I was startled back to reality when I heard Ian's voice.

"Hurry up, Mari's going to be here in 10 minutes."

I turned off the water and grabbed a towel.

"Ok thanks," I called back.

I dried off my hair and body the best I could and tied the towel around my waist. I opened the door and saw Ian sprawled across my couch. I walked into my room and closed the door. I let the towel fall to the floor. I looked at myself in the mirror and pursed my lips. I had always had body image issues and I figured that if I started working out and eating better it would stop. It did get better but it didn't quite stop. It probably didn't help that my best friend was literally every girl's dream. He was funny, sweet, smart, and dorky everyone loved his bright blue eyes and scruffy beard, he really was gorgeous. 

I sighed and threw on some dry clothes before walking back into the living room. 

 

I sat down next to Ian. A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. I opened it and saw Mari standing with Daisy on a leash. Daisy immediately ran to Ian, who started petting her affectionately. Daisy then ran into the kitchen and started barking loudly. We all looked over the counter to see Daisy barking at Pip. hair on the cat's back was standing up straight and his teeth were pulled back in a growl. I picked up Pip as Ian pulled Daisy away.

"Sorry, I forgot Pip might not like Daisy..." He murmured.

I shrugged and scratched Pip behind his ears. Pip hated everyone new, he'd be fine.

"It's fine, he'll warm up to her."

"So what's for lunch?" Mari asked.

I put down Pip and pulled out my phone.

"I don't care, want to just order pizza?"

 

None of us wanted to pick up the pizza so we agreed on having it delivered. We all sat down around the table and waited for the knock on the door. Ian and Marie talked about the things that Ian had missed while he was in the hospital. Mari was very disappointed that I hadn't told him about all the new happenings on television, after a small lecture about the importance of cartoon network she made sure he was informed about all the new episodes of various cartoons.

After the pizza got here everything was pretty uneventful. Mari did a quick run through of all the new Smosh videos in the last week. We were almost done with lunch when Pip jumped onto the table. He clearly wasn't planning on moving anytime soon so we left to stay on the table. Pip is a big cat so when he turned around he hit Mari's drink with his tail. I felt bad because it was my idea to just let Pip stay on the table and therefore my fault. I grabbed a paper towel and tried to get the water off of her neck. She grabbed my wrist and our eyes locked. I realized I had just put my hand in her chest and although I wasn't technically touching anything I shouldn't, it was still awkward.

I turned my head away and mumbled an apology.

"It's fine, I can get changed before heading to Sohinki's house."

"Yeah... So... Uh... See you there?"

"Uh, yeah, I guess so,"

Then she left without saying another word. I could practically hear Ian about to mock me but I wasn't in the mood. I turned and walked into my room, closing the door behind me.

I laid down an pulled the covers over my head. I wanted to talk to Ian but I couldn't go back out there after storming off a few seconds ago. I pulled out my phone to look for someone to call. Usually it was Ian whom I called when I needed someone to talk to so I didn't know who to call. I settled on Joven. It rung a few times before he picked up.

"Anthony, what's up?" He said over the line. He was confused which made sense seeing as I only usually called him for work. We were friends but Ian was the only person who I talked to about personal stuff.

"Can I talk to you about something?"

"Yeah, anything," I could hear the concern in his voice.

"Ok so I might have accidentally given Mari the wrong idea about me,"

"What'd you do?"

I but my lip nervously as I answered "well, Pip spilled a glass of water on her chest and I tried to help and... You get the picture?"

I heard him suck in a breath. Clearly he got the picture. The whole, fucked up picture.

"Okay, dude, I'm not going to tell you it's fine because it isn't. You kind of fucked up. But it's Mari, just tell her it was an accident."

That probably should have been the first thing I did but I wasn't really thinking strait at the time.

"One more thing,"

"What?"

"Well, it's not Mari I'm worried about." I took a breath "it's Ian, I'm worried that he won't believe me."

"Come on, Anthony. He's your best friend, he'll believe you."

"But what if he doesn't?"

"Since when do you care so much if he thinks you might find someone attractive?"

"I don't."

"Whatever you say, but seriously, talk to Mari. It will all blow over."

"Ok, thanks Joven."

"No problem."

I hung up and set the phone on my bedside table. I might as well try to get some sleep seeing as I wouldn't be getting any after Sohinki's party.

 

I heard my watch beeping, telling me it was 6:00 and I needed to get up. I didn't see Ian around the living room or kitchen so I poked my head into his room. He was curled up on his bed, twitching slightly. He was dreaming. I sat down on his bed and put my hand on his shoulder. I looked at him and saw how peaceful he looked, I didn't have the heart to wake him. We still had a half hour until we had to leave. I found myself staring at him. He looked different when he slept. It was one of the few times he wasn't smiling or laughing. I kissed his forehead and and stood and walked out 

"Goodnight, Ian."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I'm sorry if you don't watch Smosh Games because a lot of them are really important to the story but don't worry, I'm trying to make it easy to follow even if you don't know who each character is. Next chapter will be up on Sunday! Please keep leaving kudos and comments, I love them SO much (almost as much as Ian loves Anthony, but not quite) see you next week!


	7. Close Enough To Know Its True

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Anthony go to Sohinki's party. Afterwords Anthony takes Ian with him to run errands.

Ian's POV:  
It had been almost twenty minutes since Anthony left the room. I tried to go back to sleep but my mind was racing. I concluded that I wouldn't tell Anthony how I felt, I'd get over it like I always did; he'd never feel the same way anyway. I walked out to see him on his phone with his back to me.

"Hey,"

He turned around so fast he almost dropped his phone.

"Oh, hey, Ian. Sleep well?"

I leaned up against the back of the couch. I wanted to bring up the whole thing with Mari but decided that doing that could bring up the subject of who I had feelings for and that would be bad.

"Not really, bad dream."

He walked over and leaned on the other side of the couch. 

"What about?"

Oh shit.

"Um, uh, well," I stammered "I, uh, don't remember..."

He shrugged "ok fine, don't tell me."

I elbowed him "I'm serious!"

"Uh huh," he swung his legs over the back of the couch until he was sprawled out across it "whatever you say."

"Asshole,"

He giggled and grabbed my arm, pulling me over the couch. I landed on his chest and pinned my arms to my side and wrapped him legs around mine so I couldn't move. He tickled my stomach until neither of us could breath from laughing so hard.

"Truce?" He smiled.

"Truce,"

Neither of us moved. He still had one arm laying over my waist and I could feel his breath on my neck. It would be so easy for me to interlace our fingers or turn around and kiss him but I couldn't do that. I just wanted to stay here in his arms and fall asleep with him holding me but I couldn't. I rolled off the couch and sat down in an arm chair. 

He sat up as if nothing had happened. "So Mari called,"

"Of course she did,"

"What?"

"Nothing."

"And she wanted to talk to you,"

"To me? That's surprising."

"Why?"

"No reason,"

Could he possibly be more fucking clueless? Did he not know about him and Mari? If they weren't together already they would be soon, Anthony could practically get anyone he wanted into bed, he was fucking beautiful.

"So are you going to call her back?"

"I'll just talk to her a Sohinki's,"

"Ok, I figured we'd leave in a half hour or so."

 

Neither of us said a whole lot in the car. Fortunately the drive was short and we got there before it got too awkward. We could hear music from the street and saw cars lining the road. We walked in and saw everyone from Smosh standing around and talking. Olivia immediately ran up to me and hugged me around my neck.

"Ian," she squealed "you came!"

"Well I couldn't miss my own Not Dead party, could I?"

She giggled and took my hand "come on," she said as she pulled me into the kitchen "you have to try the cupcakes."

 

I didn't see Anthony for a few hours but at midnight a saw him standing with Mari and Wes. I was trying not to drink because we had to drive home and I wasn't sure if Anthony was drinking but when I saw Mari hanging on Anthony's arm and batting her eyelashes and giggling whenever he spoke I decided a drink wouldn't hurt. By 1:00 I was completely wasted. I'd say what else happened but I really don't remember. I do remember at about 3:00 I passed out and Anthony had to carry me out the door. I remember how he picked me up with no trouble and how he hadn't said anything when I nuzzled my face into his neck. He laid me down on the back seats and made sure to avoid potholes so I wouldn't be jostled too much.

I didn't remember him carrying me in but I woke up in my bed, completely hungover. I sat up and looked around. Sunlight shone through the window and I had to look away because it was so bright, I looked at the clock and it read 11:00 AM. I groaned and collapsed back on my bed. My stomach didn't like that and I had to run for the bathroom. 

When I came back out Anthony was sitting on the counter. He tossed me a box of tic tacs.

"You'll need those."

"Thanks,"

I walked over and sat on the counter across from him.

"What was up with you last night?"

"I don't know, too much to drink,"

"I know that but why?"

I shrugged. I couldn't say that I was jealous of Mari. He handed me a plate with toast and eggs.

"Eat, it'll help."

I didn't have to be told twice. Having food in my stomach helped with the hangover and I felt a lot better once I finished. 

"Any plans for today?" I asked

"Nope, I'm just going to run some errands in a few minutes, text me if you need anything."

I jumped up "can I come?" I asked a little too eagerly.

"Ian, you really need to rest,"

"No, I'm fine, really." 

He sighed "fine but if you start feeling bad I'm driving you home."

 

The first place we went was to get groceries. As Anthony pulled out a cart he looked at me.

"Ian, you can pick out one thing."

"Just one?"

"Yes, one thing."

"What if it's a multi-pack?"

He rolled his dark eyes "Ian, this isn't complicated, go fine one thing."

I laughed , knowing I was getting under his skin and walked off. 

You might think that getting one thing is easy but it's not. First of all, the grocery store Anthony shops at is huge. They had an ENTIRE ISLE for ice cream! Not even the Frozen Section- no the Ice Cream Isle. I was in heaven. I even found soy ice cream so Anthony would have more than half a bite. When I found him by a box of Oca- and if you don't know what Oca is it looks like a potato had a child with a pinecone. I dumped in the box of chocolate ice cream and he rolled his eyes at me.

"What the fuck is that?" I asked pointing to what looked like a pair of green testicles that had contracted some horrible disease.

"That's a Kohlrabi, it's like a healthier cabbage."

"Yes, because cabbage wasn't healthy enough."

He laughed as he picked up one of the testicle cabbages. I mock gagged as he dropped it into the cart.

"It's in dinner tonight so eat it or starve."

Anthony shops here a lot, as I found out. We were about to leave when we were stopped by a woman who looked about one hundred and seven. 

"Oh," she squeaked as she shuffled over to us "Anthony, so nice to see you,"

"You too Mrs. Blackbourne."

"Oh please, call me Gabby."

She smiled and looked at me "and who's this lovely, young man?"

"This is Ian, the guy I was telling you about."

"Ant, you told me he was cute but I didn't know he was that cute!" She said with more energy than I could imagine coming from someone her age.

Anthony blushed and ran a hand through his hair "I, um, I never said that..."

"Oh, so you two aren't- oh..."

Anthony laughed "no, he's just my best friend. Well we'd better be going. Have a nice day!"

We started walking back to the car. I got about half way before I started laughing.

"You told me he was cute but I didn't know he was that cute!" I mocked. He swatted the back of my head.

"Shut up! I told her that people thought you were cute!"

"And in what context do you need to tell a century old woman that I'm cute!"

"I don't know, I've known her for years! I'm sure it made sense at the time!"

We both laughed as he loaded the bags into the trunk of his car. 

"I'm just going to put back the cart, don't go anywhere."

I watched him walk off. I knew it wasn't possible but I couldn't help but wonder if maybe he did think I was cute. Damn, I sounded like a middle school girl with a crush. I tried to think of something else as I saw him coming back but all I could think of was how nervous Anthony had been when she brought up the idea of us being together, but that was probably just discomfort left over from growing up in a homophobic home. He came back and turned the ignition. 

"Where to now?" I asked

"I need to make a trip to the bank and then we're almost done."

I sat back and closed my eyes, listening to the sound of the car. I barely stirred when Anthony stopped the car at the drive-through ATM. It wasn't until almost twenty minutes later when I heard Anthony talking to a security guard that I opened my eyes. We were parked at the gate of a gated community.

"Name, sir?" The guard asked

"Padilla, I'm here to see Mari Takahashi." I sat strait up at the mention of Mari's name, fast enough to make me see stars.

"Ok, give me a second," he said looking at a monitor "oh, Anthony, she called you in this morning." He pushed some buttons and the gates opened. Anthony gave the man a quick wave before driving into the community. 

The houses all looked the same and I was lost within seconds. "How do you find her house without a map?"

"I go to her house a lot so I just kind of mesmerized the route."

Shit, of course he goes to her house a lot. I tried not to think about the subject too much but I couldn't help it.

"Wait here, this'll just take a second." He said when we reached the house. He walked up and rang the doorbell. He waited for a fraction a a second before Mari opened the door and hugged him for just a few seconds too long. I watched them disappear inside for a few minutes before Anthony came back out with a plastic bag in his hand.

"What was that about?" I asked as he got back into the car.

"Some games got delivered and she needs them to be dropped off at the office." 

"So are we heading to the office?"

"Nope, we can drop them off tomorrow. Ready for some lunch?"

 

We stopped at a taco restaurant for lunch. Anthony got a salad because he couldn't be exciting like me, with my Taco/Nacho Bowl Supreme. By the way, a Taco/Nacho Bowl Supreme is just a plate of nachos, rip off. We sat down at one of the outside tables to eat.

"Hey, Ian, it's kind of a weird request but can we have a picnic tomorrow? Like we did when we were kids?"

I smiled. When Anthony and were in high school we always drove to this park about an hour from our houses. We brought food that our moms made and just talked all day. Most of my best memories from high school were in that park. 

"Yeah," I said "yeah, that sounds really fun."

"Remember when it started raining and they closed all the highways so we couldn't get home so we went to that run-down motel?"

I remembered.

"And there were no two-bed rooms left," he continued "so we had to sleep in one bed?" 

I definitely remembered that.

"Or the time you accidentally hit on a drag queen?" I said.

"Shut up!" He laughed "I thought it was a girl!"

I looked at him and marveled at just how far we'd come. When we first met I had no friends and no dreams. Once Anthony started talking to me everything changed, he got me into acting and video editing which eventually became Smosh. He also helped me come to grips with my sexuality, even if he didn't know it. Bisexuality wasn't a common term back then so I didn't know what it was. All I knew was that some people liked the same sex and some liked the opposite so when I found out I liked both I thought I was broken. Anthony helped me get over that when he stood up for a girl who was bullied for being bullied in our freshman year. I still remember him telling her that she wasn't broken and that she was perfect no matter what. Even though those words were meant for her they made me realize that it was society that had the problem, not me.

"Ian, you okay?" 

His voice pulled me back to reality.

"Um, yeah. Sorry just thinking."

"About?"

"How far we've come from when we first met." I admitted.

"Ok, kitten, don't go soft on me," he said as he stood.

"Oh fuck you." Kitten had been what all the drama kids called me in middle school after he made me try out for our school play and I was cast as a kitten in the musical Cats.

He laughed and opened my car door. I looked at the clock on the dash, it was almost 2. 

"Hey, can we head home now? Sohinki sent me some footage to edit and I'd like to get that done today."

 

Anthony and I both had editing to do so we set up both our computers on the couch. Every few minutes I would look over at his screen, he was editing next week's Game Bang. 

"Oh, I'll send you the script for the next main channel video," he said.

A few seconds later my phone dinged, telling me I had a new email. I opened the file and looked over it. It was another installment to the Every Blank Ever series and looked pretty good. 

"When are we filming?"

"Next Thursday, we figured we'd give you a smaller part so you have less to memorize."

I closed my laptop "thanks," 

He looked at me quizzically "done already?" 

"Nah, I'll finish later."

He closed his as well and set both laptops on the coffee table. He stretched out as he grabbed the TV remote. As the TV blinked on I saw an episode of The Walking Dead playing. He relaxed and laid down in the couch. At first the top of his head was just brushing my though but as time went by he stretched out more and I found his head in my lap.

"Comfy?"

He looked up at me with those dark chocolate eyes and nodded. I looked for a few minutes for a place to rest my arm before setting it on his chest. The way my arm curved had my fingers brushing his neck. I could feel every move his head made and every breath he took. I didn't notice him falling asleep until I looked down and saw that he had fallen sleep on my lap, his forehead gently resting to my lower stomach. I smiled and ran a thumb over the skin of his neck. I tried to move as little as possible, knowing if he woke he would move. I didn't like whatever was playing on TV now but the remote was on the other side of the couch and I'd have to risk waking Anthony to get it. So I suffered through about 20 minutes of a shitty talk show before Anthony opened his eyes.

"Decided my crouch made a good pillow?" I asked jokingly.

He sat back up and rubbed his eyes "nah, not enough cushioning,"

I elbowed him playfully and turned off the TV. 

"Can I help you cook?" I asked.

He looked taken aback but not unhappy "um, yeah sure, are you sure?"

I nodded "why wouldn't I be?"

He stood and shrugged "okay c'mon, I'll show you how to get started."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! The chapters are going to be a lot longer now that I'm on summer break. Keep leaving kudos and comments, they make me SO happy. Please leave any feedback or suggestions in the comments. Next chapter will be up next week!


	8. I Won't Say I'm In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Anthony go to Sohinki's party and Anthony is left to take care of a hungover Ian the next day

Anthony's POV:

About twenty minutes after checking on Ian, Joven texted me.

Joven: "have you talked to Ian yet?"

Me: "no, he hasn't said anything. I don't know, maybe he's forgotten."

Joven: "ok."

I figured that was the end of the conversation but my phone buzzed again.

Joven: "have you thought about why you care so much?"

Me: "I just figure it's because he's my friend."

Joven: "ok but the way you're acting it's seems like it might be more then that."

 

"Hey,"

I spun around to see Ian standing in the doorway of his room. 

"Oh, hey, Ian. Sleep well?"

He walked to the living room and leaned up against the back of the couch.

"Not really," he replied "bad dream."

I leaned against the other side of the couch so we were side by side. 

"What about?"

I hoped I wasn't prying to hard, I was just curious. His eyes grew wide and the blood rushed from his face.

"Um, uh, well," obviously he didn't want to talk about it and was trying to come up with a lie "I, uh, don't remember..."

I felt a little bad for making him uncomfortable but really wanted to know now. 

"Okay fine, don't tell me."

He elbowed me playfully "I'm serious!"

I still didn't believe him but figured he wasn't going to tell me. I swung my legs over the back of the couch and landed on the cushions. It was surprisingly graceful, I must admit. 

"Uh huh, whatever you say."

He looked down at me "asshole,"

I couldn't resist grabbing his arm and pulling him over the back of the couch. He landed on my chest and for a second I lost my breath, because of the fact that a solid object had just landed on my lungs or because Ian was laying on top of me I will never know.

He squirmed, trying to roll off but I stopped him by wrapping my arm around his, trapping them to his side. He accidentally delivered a hard kick to my shin. To prohibit him from repeating that action I wrapped my leg around his tightly.

He now couldn't move at all so I used this moment of weakness to my advantage. I tickled his exposed stomach with my free hand until we couldn't breathe from laughing so hard. 

"Truce?" I asked once I caught my breath.

"Truce," he replied.

I realized we were pretty much cuddling. I figured he'd move but he didn't. I still had my arm wrapped around him and our legs were intertwined. I closed my eyes and let myself get caught up in the nostalgia his sent brought. 

He always smelled like, unsurprisingly, doughnuts. He always had, ever since we were little, he had a girlfriend in high school who said it was weird but I thought it was kind of cute.

He rolled out of my arms and stood to walk to one of the other armchairs. I really hoped that hadn't been too weird. I sat up and hoped he couldn't see me blushing. I thought quickly for something to say to keep there from being an awkward silence. 

"So Mari called,"

I heard him say something but I couldn't tell what.

"What?" I asked 

"Nothing," he mumbled. I figured it wasn't important and kept talking.

"And she wanted to talk to you,"

"To me? That's surprising," he said bitterly.

"Why?"

"No reason," 

I didn't have a clue why he was acting so weird but he wasn't answering questions so I didn't know how else to figure it out.

"So are you going to call her back?" I asked when he didn't say anything else.

"I'll just talk to her at Sohinki's."

I had almost forgotten we had to leave soon. 

"Okay, I figured we'd leave in a half hour or so."

 

As soon as we walked into Sohinki's house Olivia practically tackled Ian. 

"Ian, you came!"

"Well I couldn't miss my own Not Dead Party, could I?"

She grabbed his hands and pulled him off into the other part of the house. I scanned the room, looking for someone I wanted to talk to. I saw Wes and Lazercorn talking in the by the stairs and walked to them. 

They waved and let me into their conversation.

"Hey, Anthony." Wes greeted "Ian didn't come?"

I shook my head "no he is, Olivia got ahold of him."

We shared an understanding look and smiled. 

"What's it like living with him again?" Lazercorn asked.

"It's great, I really missed him."

 

"Has anyone seen Ian?" I asked at about 3:00 AM. 

"Yeah," Olivia said "he's passed out on the couch, I was going to tell you but I couldn't find you and then I forgot," she giggled and then hiccuped. 

I sighed and pushed through the crowed to the couch where Ian had passed out. I tried to wake him but pretty obviously he wasn't waking. I walked into the kitchen where Sohinki was pouring another drink.

"I'm going to take Ian home, thanks for the party."

"Okay, thanks for coming," he said briefly before getting distracted by Wes and Joven having a Guitar Hero competition in the other room. 

I walked back to Ian and picked him up. His head lolled against my shoulder and I had to grab his shirt to keep him from falling. I adjusted him and was able to walk him out to the car without dropping him. I set him down on the back seats and started the car. 

I was originally going to go strait home but I wasn't at all tired. I drove around the city. The usually packed streets were empty now and everything seemed peaceful. I turned towards the ocean and drove until I reached one of the many beaches in LA. 

I stepped out of the car and sat in the hood. I could hear the waves lapping against the shore and the wind rushing through the sand. I closed my eyes and laid down on the cold metal. The air was salty and arid but somehow refreshing. I let the darkness behind my eyelids overwhelm me and I got lost in my thoughts. 

 

I reopened my eyes and saw my watch, glowing in the dark. It was almost 5:00 AM, I needed to head home. I checked quickly on Ian, who was still fast asleep and drove back. Fortunately the drive was short.

 

We got back to my apartment and I picked up Ian. Before I took a step I remembered that the elevator was broken, and I loved on the fifth floor. I put Ian back in the car and pulled out my phone. There was no way I could carry him up all those stairs, not alone anyway. 

I listened to the phone ring in the other end before someone eventually picked up.

"Anthony," Joven mumbled sleepily "what the fuck do you need at five in the morning?"

"Can you drive over here? I'll explain once you get here."

He murmured something too quiet for me too hear "be happy I only live five minutes away."

He hung up and I leaned up against the cold metal of the car. I glanced down at Ian, still sleeping peacefully. The first light of day was just starting to hit his face through the window and illuminated his dark, messy hair. 

Joven pulled up ten minutes after I called. He laughed when he saw Ian passed out in my back seat.

"Okay, Ian isn't allowed to drink that much again. Need a hand getting him inside?"

I nodded "elevator's broken so we need to get him up to the fifth floor."

Joven rolled his eyes "why is it always me?" He smiled exasperatedly as we picked up Ian and took him through the door.

The woman at the front desk gave me a confused look as we led Ian through the lobby before returning to her Cosmopolitan magazine. When we got to the stairs we shifted to I was holding Ian under his arms and Joven held his legs. We got up one flight before his blue eyes flickered open. 

"Am I flying?" He asked drunkenly.

Joven and I just laughed and kept going. He looked up at me "am I dead? Are you an angel?"

He looked back at Joven "you aren't as pretty as the other angel." We almost dropped him to keep from laughing and waking the neighbors.

He seemed to realize who I was then but it was hard to tell what his mind was doing in this state "oh, it's you Ant. You aren't an angel, more like a feisty penguin."

Joven and I locked eyes, his eyes were tearing from holding back laughter.

"Joven, you're more like a panda. Personally I'd rather cuddle with the penguin then you, sorry."

Joven looked at me and mouthed "Ianthony" I rolled my eyes and shifted Ian so I wouldn't drop him.

"This is fun, walking isn't fun. Can we do this more often?" Ian asked.

"No, Ian. We're going to back home and then you're going to go to bed, okay?"

"No! I don't want to sleep! I want to stay up all night long and then all day and then all night again and all day and never ever sleep!" He yelled

"Ian, keep it down. People are trying to sleep." Joven said quietly.

"Then they're boring, they should stay up with us!"

"Ian, you're going to sleep. You need it."

 

We finally got to my apartment and got the giggling Ian inside without anyone filing a noise complaint. I took his legs from Joven so I was the only one holding him and set him down on his bed.

"Ant? Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah, Ian, what's up?"

"When Joven leaves can you come sleep in here with me?"

I wasn't sure how to answer that. On one hand, if I said no he'd throw a tantrum -drunk Ian is very similar to a toddler- on the other, if I said yes Ian would mock me in the morning. 

"How about I go say good bye to Joven and then come back?"

"Will you sleep in here?" He asked again, his eyes pleading.

"Okay, I will."

I figured he'd sleep in late and I could get out before he sobered up, he wouldn't remember any of this anyway. 

He smiled and curled up under the blankets. I walked back out to find Joven waiting in my living room. 

"A feisty penguin, huh?"

"Shut up, you're the panda."

He laughed and shook his head "well I'd better be going, I'd like to get another hour of sleep before having to fully start the day."

I walked him to the door "sounds like a plan." Just as he was leaving I added "thanks for helping out, with everything."

He turned back to me "no problem, call me if you need anything, okay?"

I nodded "ok, goodnight Joven."

"Goodnight, Anthony."

I closed the door and walked back into Ian's room. I took of my shoes and sat down on his bed. He rolled over so he was facing me and I laid down beside him. He moved closer to me so our foreheads touched. I rested my arm over his waist and he closed his eyes contently. He smelled strongly of alcohol but not so much that it was unpleasant. He brushed my hair from my eyes and looked up at me.

"You have beautiful eyes." He stated.

"Um, thanks, so do you." I blushed as I realized all I would have to do was lean forward and if be kissing him.

"Ian, try to go to sleep, okay?" I said.

"Okay," he yawned and slipped his leg in between my thighs. I tightened my arms around him and kissed the top of his head 

"good night, Ian,"

"'Night, Anthony,"

 

I had gotten up at 9:00 AM, Ian was still fast asleep. I felt a little bad leaving him but I knew the only reason he was wanting me to stay was because he was drunk. It was 11:00 AM before he woke up and rushed strait into the bathroom. I couldn't help but smile at the fact that he had no idea about anything from last night.

I heard the bathroom door open and I looked at him. I pulled a box of tic tacs from my pocket and tossed it at him.

"You'll need those."

"Thanks," he replied, his voice hoarse.

He sat on the counter across from me, almost falling as he lifted himself up.

"What was up with you last night?" I asked, Ian almost never drank that much and never without a reason.

"I don't know, too much to drink."

He had been acting a little odd for a while now, something was clearly bothering him.

"I know but why?"

He shrugged. I was about to push farther but that might just make him more guarded.

When I made myself breakfast I'd made him some too, not knowing he'd sleep in so late. I handed him a plate of eggs and toast.

"Eat, it'll help."

He took the plate and devoured the food. Afterwards he seemed far more awake and less hungover.

"Any plans for today?" He asked as he finished off the last of his breakfast. 

"Nope," I replied "I'm just going to run some errands in a few minutes, text me if you need anything."

I expected him to nod and start going through the contents of my fridge or something but instead he jumped up. 

"Can I come?" He asked eagerly.

"Ian, you really need to rest."

"No, I'm fine, really."

I rolled my eyes and sighed. I doubted that arguing would do any good. 

"Fine but if you start feeling bad, I'm driving you home."

 

I started to regret my decision to let Ian free-roam the store when he came back with a giant tub of ice cream.

"What the fuck is that?" He asked, pointing a display of kohlrabi.

"That's kohlrabi, it's like a healthy cabbage."

"Yes, because cabbage wasn't healthy enough." I almost brought up the fact the much of cabbage was water so kohlrabi contained far more minerals and vitamins but I decided that that might not be the best idea.

He mock-gagged as I set it into our cart. 

"It's dinner so eat it or starve." I said as we walked toward the check-out.

 

I had shopped here for a while and there were a few people there who insisted on using grocery shopping as social hour. Mrs. Blackbourne was one of those people. We were in the parking lot walking back to our car when she called my name, or more croaked it but you get the point.

"Anthony, nice to see you." As much as I'd have loved to walk away I didn't want to be rude.

"You too Mrs. Blackbourne."

"Oh please, call me Gabby."

She looked at Ian. Oh shit, she looked at Ian. 

When she had asked what I did for a living I told her about Smosh which, of course, led to talking about Ian. The first thing I said about Ian was "he's really cute" looking back, that was a mistake."

"And who's this lovely young man?"

"This is Ian," she looked at me as if to ask 'THE Ian?' so I continued "the guy I was telling you about."

"Any, you told me he was cute but I didn't know he was that cute!" She said/wheezed. 

I figured I couldn't fix the situation but it was worth a shot, "I, um, I never said that..."

She seemed to understand my panic "oh, so you too aren't, oh..."

I laughed and hoped Ian didn't connect the dots. "No, he's just my best friend." 

She opened her mouth to say more "well we'd better be going. Have a nice day!"

We walked until we were onshore she wouldn't call us back before we both started laughing 

"You told me he was cute but I didn't know he was that cute!" He mocked "shut up! I told her that people thought you were cute!"

"And in what context do you need to tell a century old woman that I'm cute?"

"I don't know, I've known her for years, I'm sure it made sense at the time!"

He laughed and got into the car as I put the groceries into the trunk. "I'm just going to put back the cart, don't go anywhere."

As I walked I thought about how everyone seemed to think Ian and I were dating. Not all best friends get that. Take Ricky Dillon and Trevor Moran, they were best friends but people didn't think they were secretly dating, or at least I'd never heard of it. What made Ian and I so special? I walked faster to get back to the car, not really wanting to be alone with my thoughts at the moment. 

"Where to next?" Ian asked as I got back in. 

"I need to make a trip to the bank and then we're almost done." 

 

Ian fell asleep on the drive. I didn't want to wake him and tried to avoid pot holes in the road. I silently cursed LA's government for not using the tax money to fix the jacked-up roads. He slept up until we pulled into the gated community that Mari lived in.

"How do you find her house without a map?" He asked sleepily.

I shrugged "I go to her house a lot" which was true, most of the games and packages for Smosh Games go to Mari's house so I often pick them up before I go to the office.

"Wait here, this'll just take a second." I said as I parked and stepped out. I walked up her drive way and rung the doorbell. Mari opened the door and hugged me.

"Hey, Anthony!" She said leading me inside. "How's Ian?"

I smiled as she picked up a box and handed it to me "he's better after some rest."

She opened the door for me "you sure you can't stay a few more minutes?"

I shook my head "no, I'm taking Ian out for lunch, see you Mari."

She waved and I walked back to the car, putting the box in the back seat. 

"What was that about?" He asked once we started driving again.

"Some games got delivered to her house and she needs them dropped off at the office."

"So are we heading to the office?" We probably should have dropped them off now but the office was in the opposite direction of where we were going. Maybe it was a little selfish, it would put everyone a few minutes late on schedule if they had to unpack everything but what the hell. 

"Nope, we can drop them off tomorrow. Ready for some lunch?"

 

We were part way through our lunch when I got an idea. When we were in high school we would always go to the park and have picnics. It started out as a way to get away from our parents but it turned into just loving each other's company with no one else around. We had so many great memories from that park.

"Hey, Ian, it's kind of a weird request but can we have a picnic tomorrow?" Like we did when we were kids?"

"Yeah," he said in between his bowl of calories "yeah, that sounds really fun,"

I smiled at one of the memories from all those years ago.

"Remember when it started raining and they closed all the highways so we couldn't get home so we went to that run-down motel?"

He smiled and nodded. "And there were no two-bed rooms left for we had to sleep in the same bed?" I could have sworn I saw him blush but it could have just been the light filtering through the umbrella.

"Or the time you accidentally hit in a drag queen?" He asked.

I'd never tell Ian but I wasn't at all turned off my the fact that they were a guy.

"Shut up! I thought it was a girl!"

He stared at me for a few seconds "Ian, you okay?"

"Um, yeah. Sorry, just thinking."

"About?"

He looked down "how far we've come since we first met."

With all this reminiscing about our pasts I had to mock him about something.

"Okay, kitten, don't go soft on me."

Kitten had been the nickname the school have him after he played a kitten in our school play.

"Oh fuck you," he said as we stood and walked back to my car.

 

We got back and started some editing. I had a Game Bang to edit and Sohinki had given him some footage too. I remembered the main-channel script that Noah and I had written and sent it to him.

"When are we filming?" He asked.

It was supposed to be today but I pushed the date back because it would break Ian's heart to not be in a video. Even if his part was short, it would be better then cutting him completely. 

"Next Thursday, we figured we'd give you a smaller part so you'd have less to memorize.

He closed his laptop "thanks,"

I looked at him "done already?"

"Nah, I'll finish it later."

I set our computers on the table and stretched out, my back stuff from sitting so long. I turned on the TV but didn't care what was on. I laid my head down close to his thigh and over time stretched out, laying my head down on his lap.

"Comfy?" He asked and I realized that my head was on his lap.

I looked up at him and he put his arm around my chest, his fingertips brushing my neck.

I hadn't noticed myself falling asleep until I reopened my eyes to see Ian looking down at me.

"Decided my crotch made a good pillow?" He asked, smiling down at me.

I sat back up "nah, not enough cushioning."

He turned off the TV "can I help you cook?" He asked, his eyes bright.

I was a little confused, usually the idea of doing much of anything was completely out of Ian's comfort zone.

"Um, yeah sure, are you sure?"

He stood and nodded "why wouldn't I be?"

I shrugged and stood with me "okay c'mon, I'll show you how to get started."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok so this chapter was really long so yay! Please guys, I've only gotten 5 comments and is love to know what you think. Love you, see you next chapter!
> 
> I'd also like to point out that that as of next week I will have to change the rating of this story from Mature to Explicit because of sexual content. If that makes you uncomfortable I will put warnings before each chapter so you'll know to skip over certain parts. This will by no means make it hard to follow the story line or plot so don't worry about that. Thanks!


	9. Missing What I Never Had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how to sumorize all of this but really just read it. There's a lot of cuddling and worrying so yeah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter contains sexual content so if that makes you uncomfortable you can skip over it.
> 
> Warning: I'm not sure if someone can be triggered by reading about an anxiety attack but I'm just going to put this here in case.

Ian's POV:  
"Ian, I need you to find me an onion, garlic cloves, olive oil, and vegetable broth."

He said to me as he pulled out the kohl-rabbit (or whatever) and a cutting bored.

Anthony's kitchen was fucking organized. Not even like vegetables on the left of the fridge, like alphabetically organized. I found everything pretty easily although Anthony had to point out a few things. He showed me how to preheat the oven, which I didn't even know you had to do, and then use a baking sheet to keep things from sticking without using as much oil. He let me cut the onion but kept a close eye on me to make sure I didn't chop off my leg by accident or anything. 

He looked over my shoulder "cut the pieces, here, like this."

He stood next to me so our hips were pressed against each other. "You aren't going to cut yourself if you watch what you're doing to don't be afraid to hold the onion," he moved my hand until I was holding the vegetable but wouldn't cut off my fingers

"Try that," he let go of my hands and stepped back. This new method worked far better then my prior one. He moved back to the part of the kitchen he was cutting the garlic but made sure to glance over to make sure I was still alright. When I finished cutting the onion he took the cutting board from me and poured the onion into the pan and put it into the oven. 

"What are we even making?" I asked. 

"Kohlrabi and potato soup." 

Daisy walked into the kitchen and started eyeing the food on the counter. She sat down and looked at me as if to say "where the fuck is the bacon?"

"Will she steal food?" Anthony asked, looking at Daisy.

"I doubt it, the only time I've seen her steal is when I left an entire chicken on the table and I don't think potatoes are quite as appetizing." I said, giving her a quick pet.

The oven beeped and Anthony put in the garlic before shutting it again and resetting the timer. He tossed me a potato and slid a peeler across the counter.

"Do you know to use that?"

I nodded. I actually remembered using one in our cooking class in middle school; don't judge us it was an easy A and, well, free food. Although I was using it correctly, my hands were shaking. Anthony noticed and stood behind me, his breath on my neck. 

"Go slower, Ian" his voice was low and breathy. I bit my lips to keep from sighing in contentment. 

Then he ran his hands down my arms and took my hands. "Gentle strokes," he said as he guided my hands "use both your hands." I blushed furiously and hoped to God he couldn't see. 

He pulled away and left me feeling a little disappointed. I did as he said and turned to him when it was peeled. He nodded in approval and handed me a knife.

"Cut that into pieces."

I took the knife and started cutting it. I got about halfway before I cut myself accidentally on the knife.

"Shit." I murmured as I wiped the few drops of blood from my finger onto my jeans. Anthony grabbed my hand and turned on the sink, holding the cut under the water.

"Are you okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. I just need a band-aid."

He dried my hand and nodded "are you sure? I could get you some ice, ibuprofen, Neosporin?" 

I pressed my uncut finger to his lips. "Anthony, I'm fine. I'm just going to get a band-aid."

He nodded and I grabbed a band-aid from the cabinet. I stuck it over the cut and walked back out. Anthony had finished cutting the potato and was pouring it and the kohl-whatever into the pan.

"You alright?" He asked as I walked back out. 

"Like I told you, I'm fine."

He smiled kindly "I'm almost done, just give me a moment."

I left the kitchen to let him finish dinner and went back to the couch and opened my laptop, returning to editing. Anthony sat down beside me, Pip on his lap. I was almost done with my editing and finished within a few minutes. I opened tumblr and searched "smosh" I didn't usually do this because, frankly, tumblr scares me. 

I smiled as I saw some quotes and gif sets from our most recent videos, I scrolled for a few minutes before finding something that caught me by surprise. 

I saw a post titled "Surrender: An Ianthony Fanfiction" I hadn't meant to look at the tags but my eyes just sort of subconsciously read them for me.

Tags: smut, penetration, fingering, blowjobs, anal, submissive!Ian, dominant!Anthony

I looked away and closed my laptop, feeling ashamed that just reading that had turned me on. I glanced over at my best friend, who was on his phone while petting Pip. My cheeks got hot at the thought of what I wanted him to do to me.

"H-hey, Anthony, I'm going to go take a shower." He nodded but I stood without waiting for a reply. I was extremely thankful he didn't look up. I closed and locked the bathroom door behind me and turned on the water. I tried taking a cold shower to get the idea out of my head. I threw off my clothes and stepped into the water.

Cold showers don't work as well as people think, it definitely didn't work for me. I kept thinking about him; his eyes, his hair, his voice, his chest, what he must look like out of his pants... I tried one last time to clear my mind but it obviously wasn't working. I turned the water temperature up-the cold wasn't doing anything- and sighed in defeat as a wrapped my hand around my length. I bit my tongue to keep from letting out a noise. I pumped myself faster and had to cover my mouth with my other hand to keep myself quiet. I hadn't meant to think about Anthony as I did this but it just sort of happened. I felt really terrible doing it but I really wished it was him touching me and not myself. 

I came and only let a soft whimper escape my lips, I didn't want to think about what would have happened if I hadn't covered my mouth. I stayed in the shower just long enough to catch my breath and then turned off the water and stepped out. I dried myself off and wrapped the towel around my hips. I felt better, besides the guilt burning inside me for jerking off to the thought of my best friend. I opened the door and walked into my room without looking at him.

I laid down on my bed, not even bothering to get dressed. Was I a terrible person? I couldn't help that I was in love but- but that was too far. It wasn't like I could do about it, I couldn't just stop my natural instincts. But at the same time I shouldn't have been thinking about him...

I decided that, yes, it was pretty wrong and if Anthony found out he'd never talk to me again but I was justified, it wasn't like I was trying to think about him, it just sort of happened.

I started thinking about him again, not sexually but just him and everything he was. He was strong, and funny, and weird, and kind. He was everything to me, romantically or not. I felt a tear running from my eye; I couldn't risk losing him. I'd never tell him, I knew that would mean possibly suffering and living the rest of my life alone but I wasn't going to lose him. 

 

I stood shook my head to clear my thoughts. I walked back out to our living room -I wasn't sure when I started calling it "our house" but it felt far more like home then my house ever did. He looked at me and smiled, his features lighting up when he saw me. 

 

We talked for about twenty minutes, fortunately talking with him was easy. I had been a little worried when he first started talking but it seemed that no matter how in love I was, he'd always be my best friend. Of course part of me still wanted to kiss him but I was getting better at telling that part to shut the fuck up. 

The alarm on the oven beeped and Daisy barked loudly. I didn't get up this time but watched Anthony walk into the kitchen. Maybe I wasn't such a bad friend after all, after all, he didn't know and it wasn't affecting our friendship. He was walking back out to me when Daisy jumped up beside me, effectively taking up the rest of the couch. He rolled his eyes and sat in the armchair. 

 

People sometimes forget about how fragile human emotions were. It was like Anthony and I both had a knife at the other's throat. We could both so easily kill the other. I could tell him how I felt and he'd break and he could leave and break me. Even the slightest movement could draw blood and cause pain. It was actually horrible how fragile we are, even the strongest of us.

Daisy pulled me out of my thoughts by setting her paw on my lap. I looked down at her and met her chocolate-colored eyes. If you aren't a dog person you might not understand this but Daisy truly did understand what was wrong. Maybe not the details but she knew that I was hurting. Maybe it was just a sign that I really needed to stop bottling my emotions but knowing that she knew actually really helped.

I hadn't noticed Anthony leaving but he came back and tapped my shoulder.

"Ian, ready to eat?"

 

The soup we made was pretty good, besides all the vegetables. Anthony didn't eat much even though it was primarily broth. I, on the other hand, had two and a half bowls. After dinner, I pulled out he carton of ice cream and made both of us a bowl. At Anthony's request, I gave him about half as much as I gave myself.

Anthony went to bed at 7:00, saying he didn't feel well. I went to bed soon after, the house felt lonely without him there. I laid in bed for an hour, trying to go to sleep but it didn't work. I considered going back on Tumblr but after what happened last time I didn't want to risk it.

I needed to do something because if I didn't I'd start to think, and all I ever thought about was Anthony. I'd think about how his lips might taste, he's probably a good kisser. Maybe when he kisses he rubs hands through your hair, or wraps his arms around you, or cups your face with his hand. Oh god, I'm doing it again.

I pulled out my phone and loaded Netflix. I wanted to watch something happy to keep my mind off everything. I selected Parks and Rec, hoping the light-hearted jokes would keep me from thinking. 

I fell asleep partway through the third episode I watched. I slept pretty well but I wished I wasn't alone, I wished Anthony was with me. When I woke up I sighed and closed my eyes again. I regretted staying up so late on Netflix. I eventually stumbled out out of my room and saw that Anthony was still in his room. I knocked on his door and when he didn't answer I opened the door slightly and saw him still laying in bed. 

He was in a fetal position; his knees tucked tightly to his chest. I couldn't see his face because it was buried in the pillows. He looked so small and vulnerable, the complete opposite of how he was. I took one last look at him and stepped back out. I licked my lips and walked to the kitchen. I looked for anything even slightly edible. I found some freezer-burned toaster waffles in his freezer. I pulled out two and put them in the toaster. I pulled out my phone and saw a new text from Olivia.

Olivia: what's up?

Me: not much, waiting for Anthony to get up

Olivia: aw, is he in his bed ;)

I bit my lip. I really didn't want anyone to bring up Anthony being in relationship, it was way too painful.

Me: Yes. Can I be honest with you?

Olivia: sure, what's up?

I sighed as I typed my reply. I trusted Olivia but I still wasn't sure if I should tell her but I needed someone else to know.

Me: I'm in love with Anthony. Please don't tell anyone.

Olivia: you're kidding right?

Me: I'm serious, I'm in love with him. And before you ask, yes I'm bi.

Olivia: oh my god, Ian. That's amazing, have you told him yet?

Me: no and I'm not going to. I don't want to fuck up our friendship, he means too much to me.

Olivia: okay, it's your choice, just know that I'm here for you if you need to talk.

Me: thanks, Olivia. Sorry if I end up venting to you.

Olivia: Feel free to vent any time :)

Me: thanks, you're awesome.

Olivia: I know, and thanks.

Me: I've got to go, I'll text you later.

Olivia: okay, bye!

I put my phone back in my pocket and waited a few more seconds before the toaster popped.

 

I ate alone because Anthony was still sleeping. I found it a little odd that he had gone to bed early and was now sleeping in. It was almost 8:30 AM and I really wanted to make sure Anthony was fine. I walked into his bedroom without knocking. He was still curled up in the same position, if anything he seemed a little smaller. I put my hand on his shoulder. He still didn't wake and I called his name softly. I wanted to curl up beside him and have him hold me and tell me that he loved me too but like most of the things I wanted, it wasn't possible. I shook his shoulder and when he didn't wake up I shouted his name.

He shot straight up and screamed something that I couldn't make out but I could have sworn he shouted my name.

His breathing was fast, almost to the point of hyperventilating. His brown eyes were wide with fear. I hesitantly took his hand, it was shaking and sweating. I squeezed his hand and moved closer to him, shifting to face him. He was looking at me but he seemed to stare right through me. I hugged him and stroked his hair. 

"A-Anthony, I'm here for you. It's going to be okay..."

I really didn't know what to say or do but I hoped that this was right. He didn't react when I spoke and I started thinking about calling the hospital.

"I'm not going to leave you. It's all going to be fine. Just breathe, Anthony."

I hugged him tighter and could feel his heartbeat start to slow back down to a normal pace. 

"I'm right here, Anthony. Don't worry, you'll be fine."

His mussels loosened slightly and felt a tear slide down my cheek.

"Please, Anthony. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Please, please, please don't leave me. I need you a-and I don't want to live without you."

His breathing slowed and he nodded slightly. I could feel him crying too. He wrapped his arms around me unsteadily and I could feel his tears soaking through my t-shirt. I nuzzled his neck softly and squeezed him tighter. He shuddered and took a deep breath.

"Th-thank you..." He whispered.

My heart skipped a beat as he spoke and I smiled through my tears. 

"Don't talk, Anthony, just breathe."

He nodded and took a few more shaky breaths, still crying silently. I rubbed his back and listened to his heartbeat. It felt like hours before he pulled away.

"Thank-thank you, Ian. I-I feel so pathetic..."

I shook my head and hugged him again. 

"You aren't pathetic, Anthony. I..." I almost said I love you but didn't "I care about you so much..."

He didn't pull away this time and held me tighter. I realized that something had been seriously wrong when I saw him earlier, curled up tightly, trying to comfort himself. 

"Anthony, c-can you tell me what's wrong?"

I hadn't seen him cry in years, he looked so different. I barely ever even see him not smiling.

"I... It's stupid..."

He burst out in tears again, dropping his head into his hands. I took his hands in mine and looked into his eyes. For just a second nothing else mattered besides us, the rest of the world fell away.

"Listen to me, nothing you could say would make me leave you or think any less of you."

"I, um, I just had a nightmare. You-you died a-after that car accident and-and I was alone..."

I squeezed his hands tighter and bit back a sob.

"I'm here, Anthony. It was just a dream."

"I know, god, you must think I'm so stupid..."

I shook my head and lifted his face so he looked at me.

"No, Anthony, you aren't stupid or pathetic or weak. You're the most amazing man I've ever met and you mean the world to me."

He nodded and closed his eyes.

"Can I get some sleep?"

I got off his bed "sure, take all the time you need."

"Ian, can-can you stay?"

I caught my breath and sat back down. I cautiously laid down next to him. He wrapped his arms around me tightly and pulled me closer. I knew that it was wrong but I really wanted to feel this every night. Feel him pulling me closer, needing me the way I need him. I closed my eyes and rested my head on his chest. He took a deep, shaky breath and closed his eyes. 

I felt his heartbeat slow as he fell asleep and his arm around me went limp. I could feel his rhythmic breathing and the heat from his body. I smiled and cuddled into him.

"I love you, Anthony."

 

I opened my eyes to see Anthony looking down at me. I smiled at him and he smiled back, you'd never know that he had been crying earlier. He was propped on one elbow, his arm still around me. 

"Feeling better?"

He nodded "yeah, I'm-I'm sorry I scared you. I kind of have abandonment issues..."

I smiled and sat up, he moved to a sitting position as well.

"It's okay, we all have things that bother us."

He smirked at me "what bothers you?"

I looked down embarrassedly "I'm scared of the dark..."

He smiled at me sweetly "still?"

When we were kids it was so bad that I couldn't sleep without all the lights on. All my other friends -and by that I mean the other two people who talked to me- made fun of me but Anthony never did.

"Yeah, I can sleep without lights now I'm just a little nervous..."

He chuckled and rolled off the bed. I wished he'd hold me again but I followed him out to the living room. I looked at my phone and saw that it was almost noon. 

"Did you get something to eat?" 

I nodded "there were waffles in the freezer."

"Okay, want to do something?"

"Yeah, what do you have in mind?"

He shrugged "I don't know, whatever you want to do."

I thought for a second "you know what we haven't done in a few years? Mini golf."

 

I insisted that we didn't bring anyone else, mainly because I was scared he'd bring Mari. 

Anthony actually knew what he was doing which surprised me. Apparently his grandfather had wanted him to play golf and had played with him every Sunday. I would have let him win anyways, the whole point of this was to get his mind off what had happened this morning. 

We only played three holes before going back home for lunch. Anthony seemed fine but I was still being careful.

 

"What's for lunch?" I asked as we walked back into his apartment. 

"I don't know, I could make up some pasta if you'd like."

I nodded and sat down on his couch, he walked into the kitchen and started boiling a pot of water. I looked down at my hands, some of the worst burns from my accident were still healing. They didn't hurt much anymore, mainly just looked bad and sometimes itched. They actually really hurt now because I hadn't taken any pain killers in a few hours.

"Hey, Anthony, grab me my pain medication will you?"

I didn't hear a reply but he set the bottle on the couch next to me. He sat down and looked at me.

"You feeling okay?"

I nodded as I poured a few pills into my hand.

"Yeah, I just didn't take any this morning."

He looked at the floor "sorry..."

I put my hand on his shoulder "don't be," I smiled "I was happy to stay with you."

He nodded but something in his eyes made me think there was something he wasn't telling me.

"Have you had a panic attack before?" I asked after a few seconds of silence.

"No, I don't know what came over me."

The water started to boil before I said anything else. He stood and walked to the kitchen, ruffling my hair as he passed. I pushed it out of my eyes again and turned to watch him. 

I almost felt like Anthony was still not being fully honest but I'd known him for years, why would he keep something from me? The thought didn't haunt me for long because Anthony set down a bowl of pasta in front of me. He sat next to me and Daisy tried to jump up onto our laps but I pushed her down gently. She looked up at me with hopeful eyes and put her paw on my knee. Anthony reached over and scratched behind her ear. She looked over at him and licked his hand, taking her paw off my knee. She moved to see if she could maybe gets some food from him instead.

We didn't talk as we ate. I didn't mind, the silence wasn't awkward. I tried not to stare at him but it was hard. He looked over at me and smiled but I knew that when he looked at me he saw his friend, when I looked at him I saw my soulmate. It sounds stupid but I really believed Anthony and I were meant to be but he didn't love me.

He stood to put away our dishes when we finished and Daisy jumped onto the couch. I pulled her front legs onto my lap so Anthony still had room to sit. He rolled his eyes when he came back and sat back down. Daisy perked up her ears and turned around, resting her head on his leg and closing her eyes. 

"I think she likes you." I smiled.

He sighed and petted her. She wagged her tail lazily even after she fell asleep. I realized I felt a sick kind of jealousy, the way he looked down at her and petted her softly. I started to wonder if I'd be able to keep this from him but I didn't have a choice. 

"Want to watch a movie tonight? I've got some work to do first but once that's done we can make some popcorn and order dinner."

I nodded and grinned "sounds great, I'm going to put on some music, is that okay?"

He nodded and picked up his laptop from the coffee table. I put my music on shuffle and and an old Greenday song came on. I wasn't paying much attention to it but I heard Anthony humming along softly. I smiled and tapped my foot in time with the beat and looked over at him. He was looking at me and glanced down when I met his eyes. I tried not to let myself believe that he was staring at me the way I stare at him.

He looked back at his computer where he was writing something. I moved closer to see what he was doing.

"What are you writing?" I asked.

"Just some ideas for new videos, nothing too important."

I read over his shoulder, some of them were pretty good. I noticed that to see the screen I had moved even closer until our faces were only an inch or so apart. I pulled back swiftly and blushed. He didn't seem to notice and turned to me.

"It's still a work in progress but what'd you think?"

"They're good, I like them."

He smiled and closed the document "thanks,"

He opened his email and scrolled through the junk, glancing quickly at a few before closing that too. He turned off his computer and put it down.

"So what do you want to watch first?"

 

We ended up watching footloose. I learned that not only did Anthony know the entire soundtrack but could quote most of the lines as well. I ended up singing along with him to the songs I knew, he was a good singer. He always acted like he wasn't but he sounded amazing. Add that to the list of things he was good at.

 

He made a huge bowl of popcorn after the movie ended and ordered pizza while we looked for another. 

The pizza arrived ten minutes into Tiny Furniture. We didn't bother with plates and just put the box on our laps. I wished I could be closer to him but our legs were already touching and I didn't want him to feel weird and move away. I really wanted to crawl into his lap and have him wrap his arms around me, I had these thoughts too much. 

We both fell asleep on the couch, leaning on each other, at almost 3:00 AM. I opened my eyes early on the morning and found that I was laying on his chest. I closed my eyes and sighed, maybe we could just stay like this for a few days. I didn't quite fall asleep but I wasn't thinking about anything either. I just felt him breathing underneath me and heard him making soft noises in his sleep. He looked so different from when I saw him yesterday morning, he looked happy. 

It was another hour before he woke up. He shifted below me and mumbled as he stirred. I sat up groggily and stretched. He yawned and looked up at me. I didn't want to say anything and break the comfortable silence. I smiled at him and he sat up, facing me.

"Sleep well?" He asked.

I nodded slowly and yawned.

"Was I a good bed?"

I blushed and looked away, fortunately he didn't wait for a reply. 

"Want some toast or something?"

I nodded and followed him into the kitchen. He pulled out two slices of bread and put them into the toaster. I played awkwardly with the hem of my t-shirt, not looking at him. I didn't notice what he was doing until he put his hand on my shoulder, I looked up at him and he motioned to a plate of toast on the counter. 

"Oh, sorry, I was just thinking."

He took a bite of his breakfast "what about?"

I shrugged "not much,"

He started talking about how he needed to run into the office to do some paperwork for about an hour. I decided that I'd stay at the house. 

Once he left I started picking up the pizza boxes and popcorn bowls that were scattered around the living room. I smiled at the picture of us from our high school graduation that was framed on his bookshelf. 

Pip meowed loudly at my feet, looking up at me unhappily. I leaned down and petted him and he purred contentedly. Daisy walked over and licked the cat's head. He shook his head in disgust and walked away to go groom himself. I pulled out my laptop, I might as well look over that script again and try to get some of my lines down for the video. 

All my lines were pretty simple and I didn't have any complicated blocking so that was good. I ran through the video in my head, trying to think through how to edit it properly. I closed the script after twenty minutes and opened my email. Most of it was junk but there were a few were important, mainly just times for meetings and a notice about our lightning director's birthday. 

A pop-up at showed up on my screen advertising a wedding planner. I bit my lip and felt tears forming in my eyes. I was starting to wonder if I'd ever love anyone after Anthony. I had been in love many times before but never anything like this. Before I felt like I wanted to be with them and my stomach got butterflies when they were near, with Anthony I needed him like I needed air, whenever I saw him I felt like I was flying; I'd never felt anything like it. 

 

I decided to text Olivia, I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts. 

Me: Hey, can we talk?

She didn't reply for a few minutes which wasn't surprising, she was probably at the office helping to set up for the the filming in a few days. 

Olivia: yeah sure, what's up?

Me: I just don't know what to do, I really love him but I can't risk losing his friendship.

Olivia: I can't make that decision but he is your best friend, I can't imagine that he'd ever leave you.

Me: I know, but what if he does?

Olivia: you just have to weigh your options. If you tell him he might feel the same, you won't have to hide anymore, and you'll feel better, but you risk losing him. If you don't there's no risk of him, but you will always be hiding from him, and won't ever know if he feels the same.

Me: he doesn't feel the same way.

Olivia: you don't know that, he might be hiding it too.

Me: but he's straight.

Olivia: I thought you were straight. I'm not going to tell you what to do but keeping this from him isn't healthy.

Me: I know, maybe I'll tell him if the time is right. Maybe.

Olivia: okay, I'm here if you ever need to talk. Bottling your emotions won't help.

Me: I know, thank you so much.

Olivia: no problem, Ian.

Me: I'm going to go, text you later.

Olivia: k, bye.

 

I still doubted I'd tell him but maybe if there was some perfect time, but that didn't seem likely. I let a situation play out in my head. I imagined saying those three words and how his eyes would get wide and he'd whisper "I love you too," he'd take my hands and I'd lean closer to him... If only it could be real. 

I sighed and and ran my hand through my hair. I decided to play some video games to get my mind of of it. I played Mario Kart for a half hour or so before Anthony came back. He sat down next to me and picked up a second controller. 

"Can I join you?" He asked.

I nodded and started a private game so we were just playing against each other and the computer. After two races I set down my controller.

"Is it okay if I call it a day on this?"

He switched off the Xbox "yeah, sure."

I leaned back on the couch "how was the office?"

He groaned "boring as shit, there's no one to talk to without you there."

I smiled "don't worry, I'll be back to keep you entertained soon."

He laughed and then looked at me, his face more serious.

"Hey, Ian, do want to move in with me permanently?" 

I hugged him tightly "I'd love to."

He smiled and hugged me back. I pulled away after a few seconds and smiled at him. 

"I'll deal with all the legal stuff soon, thank you so much."

"It's my pleasure, Ian. I missed having you around."

I smiled "I can't believe I ever moved out in the first place."

 

I watched another episode of Parks and Rec, which had become my "stop thinking about Anthony" show. I didn't want to think about how hard it would be to live with him full time, to have to be around him all the time, but I wasn't going to let that get in the way of our friendship.

After twenty minutes I gave up and walked back out. Anthony was texting someone but stopped when he saw me. He smiled up at me and I smiled back. I hoped he couldn't see the fear in my eyes as he walked to me. 

"You okay? You seem distant."

I nodded and hugged him. He sucked in a breath in surprise and then hugged me back. He didn't pull away and seemed like maybe he needed my support like I needed his. We stood like that for a few more seconds before I pulled away.

"Sorry, I'm just really glad you invited me to stay."

He smiled softly "of course, you're my best friend."

"Thanks, Anthony. You're my best friend too."

 

I scrolled through Twitter while Anthony took a shower. No one had anything interesting to say but I was bored. He came back out, fully dressed, and grabbed a bag of food from the kitchen.

"Ready to go?" He asked me. I'd almost forgotten we were going to the park for lunch today and smiled. We had been planing to go yesterday but I wasn't sure Anthony was up for it so we settled on going today.

"Yeah," I said, putting my phone back into my pocket and standing "I'm ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments! They made my week so amazing so PLEASE if you don't want to send one because you think it's stupid just do it. They really don't need to be long or anything, even just saying "I like the story, thanks for writing" makes my day. And I also used all the prompts that you sent me so thank you guys for all of those. Really though I want you to know how much all of this means to me, I cant believe how far this story has come so thank you to each and every one of you. Whether you are a guest or registered user, whether you have read since chapter 1 or this is your first time reading, I really appreciate you so much. 
> 
> This is where the main plot starts to get hinted at because up until now it's been just an introduction. As far as the continuation of the plot goes, yes, there will definitely be some sad parts so I want to warn you in advance. Overall the story will stay light hearted but there may be some chapters that are painful. If you want to ask something but not spoil it for everyone else (I had someone ask the chapter number where they get together) you can ask me on tumblr so that I can answer privately. My tumblr is "that-fangirl-becca" if you want to use it.


	10. Broken Beyond Repair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony isn't as fine as he seems.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: this chapter talks about anxiety, depression, and self-harm. If you can be triggered by those topics, don't read this chapter.

Anthony's POV:  
I wasn't sure I wanted Ian to be cooking, I remembered the catastrophe that was our 7th grade cooking class, but I didn't have the heart to say no. He got through a few minutes of cutting vegetables before he helped and dropped the knife on the counter. I rushed over to him and looked at his hand. Fortunately it wasn't deep but looked like it was bleeding a good deal. I turned on the sink, holding his hand under the water. As the water washed away the blood I could see the cut wasn't as bad as I thought but I was still a little worried.

"Are you okay?" I asked. It came out more frantically then I meant it to.

"Yeah I'm fine," a drop of blood started to form again and I let go of his hand "I just need a band-aid."

I should have stopped talking there but I didn't. "Are you sure? I could get you some ice, ibuprofen, Neosporin?"

He pressed a finger to my lips and looked into my eyes. I hoped he couldn't feel the way I started to tremble at his touch. I wasn't sure why, maybe just how gingerly he was touching me.

"Anthony, I'm fine. I'm just going to get a band-aid."

He pulled back his hand and walked into the bathroom. I squeezed my eyes shut, I felt like an idiot. I hadn't meant to seem so overprotective but I just worried about him. He had been that little kid who I had to tell not to jump out of his second story bedroom window to sneak out because he would die but now he was grown up. He wasn't that kid anymore, he was an adult who didn't need me. Sometimes it felt like no one needed me...

He walked back out and I started working on diner again.

"You alright?" I asked.

He rolled his eyes and leaned against the counter "like I said, I'm fine."

"I'm almost done, just give me a moment."

I put the pan into the oven an walked out of the kitchen. He was sitting on the couch in his usual spot with an editing program open on his laptop. I sat down on the other side of the couch and Pip jumped onto my lap. The cat nuzzled my chest and purred softly. I petted his head and he laid down. My mood lifted a little but I still felt like Ian was mad at me for babying him earlier. I didn't want to say anything and hoped he'd start a conversation. 

 

He didn't, instead he closed his laptop and stood.

"Hey Anthony, I'm going to go take a shower."

I nodded but didn't look at him, he'd probably already left anyways, it wasn't like he needed to wait for my approval or anything. I heard the bathroom door close and I groaned, leaning back and rubbing my eyes in frustration. Pip mewed and looked up at me. 

"Sorry, boy. I did something stupid and I'm not sure how to fix it."

Pip tilted his head and sat up. I talked to my cat too much but it always made me feel better.

"Well I made Ian think that I don't trust him and now he's mad at me."

Pip nuzzled my hand comfortingly and I scratched his head. I pulled out my phone and looked through some news articles to try to keep my mind off Ian. 

He came out but I couldn't get myself to look at him. He disappeared into his room, clearly not wanting to talk to me and I sighed. I decided to watch an episode of The Office to occupy my mind. It didn't stop me from thinking about him but it dulled the pain a little.

Halfway through an episode he walked back out. I instinctively turned to look at him and saw that he was smiling at me. I could feel my spirits lift and my mussels loosen. 

He sat down beside me, his hair still wet and falling in his eyes. We looked at each other for a few seconds before I dropped my eyes and stared at the floor. He didn't say anything for what felt like ages but eventually spoke.

"What superhero power do you want?"

I looked up at him, confused "what?"

He shrugged "you won't talk, I'm starting conversation."

I rolled my eyes "mind reading so I could finally understand what on earth you're thinking."

He laughed "okay, now you ask me a question."

I shook my head and smiled "would you change your hairstyle for ten thousands dollars?"

"Nope, the bowl stays. Who was your first kiss? I know you've told me but I want to hear you say it."

I groaned at the memory "our English teacher when she was drunk at our ninth grade dance..."

He giggled "I think that made up for the fact that it was a horrible dance."

I kicked his foot "do you get jealous easily?"

He bit his lip and nodded "it's a character flaw really, if you had to bang someone from Smosh who would it be?"

For some reason my first thought was Ian but I pushed the thought away, I guess all the Ianthony jokes were going to my head. 

"Lasercorn, he seems like he'd be pretty wild in bed."

Ian burst out laughing so hard he almost fell off the couch. We both laughed until we were almost crying before the alarm in the kitchen went off.

I walked into the kitchen and did a few last things with diner before coming back out to see Daisy had taken my spot on the couch, Ian looked at me apologetically and I sat down in a different chair. 

I rubbed the skin on my pale wrists absentmindedly and looked at the floor. I hoped Ian didn't move out, I wasn't sure what would happen if I was alone again but it wouldn't be good. I didn't do well on my own but at the same time wherever I wasn't alone I felt like a burden. I guess either way I'm just a waste of space.

Everyone else at Smosh had something special about them except me. I was just the taller, less-funny version of Ian. I bit down on my lip almost hard enough to draw blood. 

"Failure" part or my mind whispered. I pushed the thought back but I'd let that voice in and sealed my fate. I sat quietly and listened to my brain listing all the times I'd messed up in my life, it was a very long list. 

I winced at the memories that resurfaced and stood, if I didn't do something the thoughts would get worse and I didn't want to think about what would happen then. I walked into the kitchen and poured dinner into two bowls. I tried to call Ian but I was scared my voice would be shaking. I did my best to calm myself and walked back out, tapping his shoulder. He turned and smiled at me and I could feel my pulse slowing down to a normal rate. 

"Ian," my voice wasn't as steady as usual but it was close enough that maybe he wouldn't notice "ready to eat?"

 

I didn't eat much, I never did in these moods. I felt bad for lying to Ian by not telling him what was going on but I didn't want him to think it was his fault. I didn't want for him to worry, he shouldn't have to worry this was my fault anyway. If I was just better then this wouldn't be happening, I deserved this. 

Ian talked to me but I didn't respond past more then a nod or shake of my head. Ian pulled out the ice cream and I wanted to protest but I knew that if I did that he'd know something was wrong. I did tell him to only get me half a bowl though. 

As we ate I think he started to notice I was acting weird because he tried harder then usual to make me laugh and when I didn't he took my hand in mine. His touch sent shivers up my arm and seemed like it pushed back the darkness in my mind. I forced a smile and he squeezed my hand. 

"You okay, Anthony?"

I nodded and my mind whispered "liar" I let go of his hand and stood. 

"Yeah, I'm just going to head to bed, I'm not feeling well." 

"Okay," I walked into my bedroom but before I closed the door he added "you know that you can talk to me about anything, right?"

I nodded and closed the door. I collapsed on my bed without changing and fell asleep immediately.

 

I didn't really remember much of my nightmares I just remember that Ian wasn't there anymore. I awoke suddenly and could hear my heart pounding in my ears. I was taking fast, panicked breaths but felt like I was suffocating. I felt someone take my hand but I couldn't think. Thoughts bounced around my head at a million miles an hour. I saw Ian spear in my vision but I was to panicked to register anything in the real world. I could feel him hugging me tightly but I couldn't do anything besides sit there hoping I'd regain control of my body. He said something but I couldn't make out any words. His voice sounded so familiar and I could feel it pulling me back to reality. 

He spoke again and I could hear him say my name. The thudding in my chest slowed a little and I felt my thoughts become more structured. 

He spoke again and this time, although faint, I could make out words. 

"I'm right here, Anthony. Don't worry, you'll be fine."

My breathing calmed a little and I felt my mussels start to loosen. 

"Please, Anthony. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. Please, please, please don't leave me. I need you a-and I don't want to live without you."

I felt myself regain the ability to move and I started sobbing. I couldn't stop the tears and buried my face into his shoulder. I felt him nuzzling my neck and pulling me tighter. I could feel the darkness creeping into my mind again, telling me how I was a lost cause and I was holding Ian back but Ian's arms around me pushed it back.

"Th-thank you..." I breathed.

"Don't talk, Anthony, just breathe."

I did as he said and spent the next few minutes focusing only on the breaths I was taking and his arms wrapped tightly around my torso. 

"Thank-thank you, Ian. I-I feel so pathetic...."

I realized he was crying too. He hugged me tighter and shook his head.

"You aren't pathetic, Anthony. I-I care about you so much..."

I pulled him closer to me, I didn't ever want him to let go. For the first time in weeks I couldn't feel that darkness pressing in on my heart. 

"Anthony, c-can you tell me what's wrong?"

I took a shaky breath and tried to stop crying but I couldn't.

"I... It's stupid..."

I pulled away and dropped my head into my hands, I couldn't bear to look at his face, so full of concern and confusion. He pulled my hands into his and looked into my eyes. He really did have beautiful eyes. People say eyes reflect the soul, with Ian at least, that was true. His eyes were bright and clear, like the sky. His eyes had streaks of light and dark blue, like his layered soul. He wasn't just one thing; he was exuberant but also calm, he was childish but also mature, he was my past but also my future. I realized that I could look into his eyes for years and still not fully memorize them, exactly like his spirit. 

"Listen to me," he said, I still couldn't pull myself away from those eyes "nothing you could say would make me leave you or think any less of you."

I sighed, it was so stupid "I, um, I just had a nightmare. You-you died a-after that car accident and-and I was alone..."

I watched those beautiful eyes fill with tears and he squeezed my hands. 

"I'm here, Anthony. It was just a dream."

"I know," I said and looked away "god, you must think I'm so stupid..."

He put his hand on my chin and turned my head so I looked at him.

"No, Anthony, you aren't stupid or pathetic or weak. You're the most amazing man I've ever met and you mean the world to me."

I nodded weakly "can I get some sleep?" 

He stood to leave "sure, take all the time you need."

"Ian, can-can you stay?" 

I didn't know where that came from but I was happy I said it. He laid down beside me and I wrapped my arms around him. He curled into me and shifted to hold him more comfortably. He was warm and soft, like a stuffed animal that a child would sleep with. I felt both of us falling asleep and I took a moment to try to memorize him but, like his eyes, he was too complicated to even begin to understand.

 

I woke up but didn't open my eyes. Ian was sleeping peacefully, his body pressed against mine. I could feel his warm breath on my collar bone and his legs intertwining with mine. I stroked his back and sighed, what was it about him that made me feel so safe? 

I wouldn't say that I was depressed per say but I wasn't happy either. Some days I barely noticed the voice in my head reminding me of my failures but some days it was all I heard. I pulled Ian closer and propped myself up on one elbow, my head resting on my hand. He stirred slightly and moved closer to me. He slowly opened his eyes and yawned. 

"Feeling better?" He asked sleepily.

"Yeah, I'm-I'm sorry I scared you. I kind of have abandonment issues." 

Kind of was the understatement of the year. The very idea of being abandoned made me feel I was dying, especially if it was Ian who was abandoning me.

He sat up and I missed the comfort his body gave. I sat as well and he smiled warmly at me. "It's okay, we all have things that bother us."

"What bothers you?" I asked him.

He looked away and mumbled softly "I'm scared of the dark..."

I smiled, he had always been scared of the dark ever since we were kids. He used to always need a light on when he slept over.

"Still?"

"Yeah, I can sleep without lights now, I'm just a little nervous."

I got off my bed and, followed by Ian, vacated into the living room. I realized that it was late in the day and felt a little guilty for taking up most of Ian's morning. 

"Did you get something to eat?"

He nodded and leaned against the wall "there were waffles in the freezer."

"Okay," I didn't want to sit at home and do nothing after what had just happened "want to do something?"

"Yeah, what do you have in mind?"

I really didn't care, as long as we were together "I don't care, whatever you want to do."

He thought for a second before smirking "you know what we haven't done in a few years? Mini golf."

 

I could tell Ian was trying to let me win, it wasn't surprising, he was obviously worried about me. I wish he wouldn't care so much, it must be so annoying for him to have to keep looking out for me.

The time passed pretty quickly and we went back to our house after an hour or so. We were both hungry and it was hot out. 

 

I made lunch once we got home, it was the least I could do. Ian sat down on the couch as I got stuff out to cook pasta.

"Hey Anthony," he called "grab me my pain medication will you?"

I didn't need reply but grabbed the pill bottle from the bathroom and gave it to him. 

"You feeling okay?"

I sat down, his burns were healing but parts of his skin still had a red tint to them and there was a good deal of scaring on his body. 

"Yeah, I just didn't take any this morning."

I realized that it was my fault. If I had just not been so damn useless he wouldn't be in pain. This was just another moment where Ian was better off without me. Most moments were like that now, I wonder why he even sticks around. 

"I'm sorry..." I wish I could say how I felt but words really couldn't describe it, those were the only ones that came close. I was sorry I was so useless, I was sorry I held him back, I was sorry I was never good enough, I was sorry for everything.

I felt his hand on my shoulder. His palm was warm and soft. I looked up at him and saw concern in his eyes.

"Don't be, I was happy to stay with you." I wanted to hug him, to feel his arms around me but I didn't want to seem any weaker then I already was. 

"Have you ever had a panic attack before?" He asked.

"No," I lied "I don't know what came over me."

He looked like he was going to say more but fortunately the water started to boil in the kitchen and he let me go without a word. I ran a hand playfully through his hair as I left, trying to convince him that I was alright. Part of me wanted to be honest with him but the other part, the realistic part, knew that if he knew he'd try to fix me. It wasn't that I didn't want to be helped, it was that I was far too broken for repair.

 

We didn't talk as we ate and I was glad, I didn't need him asking any more questions. I caught him looking at me and faked a reassuring smile. 

Daisy begged at our feet and tried to get food from Ian and I. I was starting to really like Daisy, she reminded me of Ian; so hopeful, playful, and innocent. Ian had her front half on his lap when I came back after putting away the bowls. There was just enough room for me to sit back down but I was pressed slightly against the arm of the couch. She looked at me and turned around to rest her head on my leg, her tail wagging. 

"I think she likes you." Ian smiled. 

I looked down at her and petted her back gently. I watched as her eyes close and glanced over at Ian who was smiling at me. He looked happy but there was something in his eyes that I couldn't quite identify. 

I decided I wasn't going to cry myself to sleep tonight, I couldn't deal with that right now. I needed Ian to keep me from freaking out again. 

"Want to watch a movie tonight? I've got some work to do first but once that's done we can make some popcorn and order dinner."

Thankfully he nodded and the his unidentifiable expression vanished and was replaced by a grin.

"Sounds great," he pulled out his phone "I'm going to put on some music, is that okay?"

I nodded and turned on my laptop. Holliday by Green Day started playing through the speakers of his phone and I pulled up some draft scripts for future videos.

"What are you writing?" I looked over at him and saw that in order to see he had moved so he was only an inch or so away from me.

"Just some ideas for new videos, nothing too important."

He skimmed through the notes about plots, lines, and themes and moved a little closer. 

"It's still a work in progress but what do you think?"

"They're good, I like them."

"Thanks," I said as I opened my email and checked quickly for anything interesting. As usual, my email was mainly filled with junk and I have up and closed my computer.

"So what do you want to watch first?"

 

I hadn't realized I was quietly singing along with the soundtrack of Footloose until Ian joined in. Ian didn't know the words as well but his voice made up for it. He had a beautiful voice that filled the room with a warm, deep sound. I found my arm around his shoulder about halfway through and he curled into my side. 

We stayed like that for the rest of the movie before he looked up at me.

"Food?" 

I rolled my eyes and stood and stood to make a bowl of popcorn and order pizza. When I came back he was loading some stand-alone, comedy movie. Neither of us paid much attention and were more focused talking. 

 

Once the pizza got here Ian moved so our thighs were side-by-side and put the box on both of our laps. After we ate Ian started to drift off. His head rested on my shoulder and his fingers wrapped around my arm. He fell asleep like that and I didn't move until my arm fell asleep. I waited until the tingling was almost unbearable before I shifted slowly. I laid down and rested him so he was laying with his head on my chest. I fell asleep like that too, watching him breathe softly. I felt him shift to lay more comfortably. Our bodies fit together perfectly, like two pieces of a puzzle.

 

I woke up to the feel of Ian's body on my chest. I shifted slightly and he sat up. I yawned and smiled up at him. I pulled myself up as well and pushed my hair from my eyes.

"Sleep well?" I asked groggily.

He nodded and I yawned again, rubbing my eyes. 

"Was I a good bed?"

I almost thought I saw him blush, but of course not. I felt a pang of hunger hit me suddenly and I pressed a hand to my flat stomach instructively. I bit my lip at how clearly I could feel my ribs but blocked out the thought. 

"Want some toast or something?" 

He nodded and I walked into the kitchen. He followed me and I made the toast, I felt myself glancing over at him a few times. He was staring into space and looked lost in thought. He didn't react when I called him name until I touched his shoulder. He jumped and looked over at me. I motioned to where his breakfast was sitting on the counter and he took it.

"Oh, sorry, I was just thinking."

"What about?"

"Not much," He looked away and pulled his arms closer, shuffling his feet. Clearly whatever he was thinking about, he didn't want to talk about it.

"Anyways, I need to run into the office for a while, you can stay here if you'd rather."

He look up at me and nodded "yeah, I'll hang here. I'm not excited to be back at that desk."

 

About halfway through the drive I glanced down at me wrist. I could still see the thin white scars running over my skin, I thought they'd be healed after a few years. I was wrong, most had vanished but the three deepest cuts left scars. They could easily be mistaken for the wrinkles that everyone has so no one ever noticed, or maybe just didn't care. I tried to ignore the urge to make myself bleed again, it was getting harder. I bit my lip and tried to focus on the road but I couldn't quite manage it. I was only a few minutes from the office, once I got there if be fine. 

"Plus there's a knife in the kitchen" I thought. I shook my head and balled my fists, I heard Ian's voice in my head, "I need you a-and I don't want to live without you."

I felt my mind start to clear and my heartbeat slowed back to a normal pace. Ian's voice pulled me back to reality just enough for me to talk myself down. I wasn't staying strong -if you could call this strong- for me, I was doing it for Ian. I knew I wouldn't start cutting again but I decided that I'd stay away from he kitchen today, just to be safe. I pulled into the parking lot and took one last deep breath and pushed the thoughts of blood and blades out of my mind before stepping out of the car. Hopefully I got through my work quickly, if there was ever a time I needed Ian, it was now.

Fortunately work took up most of my thoughts and the time passed pretty quickly. I got back to our house without having another episode and found Ian playing Mario Kart when I got back. I ended up playing a few races against him until we both got bored. 

I turned to him after turning off the TV and sighed. I was nervous about living alone after everything that had happened lately and I also I just loved having Ian around. 

I took a deep breath and asked the question that had been burning at my mind for days "hey, Ian, do you want to move in with me permanently?"

I hoped my voice wasn't shaking as much as it felt like it was. He wrapped his arms around my neck and I felt my worries disappear.

"I'd love to,"

He pulled away and grinned "I'll deal with all the legal stuff soon, thank you so much."

He was thanking me? I should thank him, he was offering to put up with me for even longer now. I didn't want to think about it but he was possibly saving my life.

"It's my pleasure, Ian, I missed having you around."

"I can't believe I ever moved out in the first place."

 

Ian was in his room so I texted Joven, over the past few days we had gotten really close.

Me: Hey.

Joven: Hey, what's up?

Me: not much, I asked Ian to move in with me.

Joven: really? That's great!

Me: you don't even know what he said.

Joven: yes I do, it's Ian, he said yes.

Me: well yeah but maybe he wanted to live on his own or something.

Joven: Anthony, sometimes you're really oblivious. Ian loves you, he is only himself when he's around you.

Me: what do you mean "he loves me?"

Joven: I mean he's your best friend, I'm not saying he loves you romantically but he definitely loves you.

Me: oh okay, I was confused. I might not always know what Ian's thinking but I do know that he doesn't love me like that.

Joven: no Ianthony?

Me: NO

Joven: ok I'm just kidding

Me: good, he's straight anyway.

Joven: and you're not?

 

Ian walked out of his bedroom and smiled but it looked forced. I knew that now wasn't the time to leave but I sensed that Ian was upset.

Me: got to go, bye.

I put my phone down and walked over to Ian and he looked tense. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket and I checked to make sure it wasn't anything important.

Joven: WAIT WHAT?

Joven: ANTHONY PADILLA ANSWER YOUR PHONE!

Joven: I DEMAND ANSWERS!

I rolled my eyes and looked up at him, he was looking at the floor and looked distracted. 

"You okay? You seem distant."

He hugged me for the second time that day and I felt my breath catch in my throat. I relaxed and hugged him back, I liked hugging him, maybe more then I should. He pulled away and looked at me.

"Sorry, I'm just really glad you asked me to stay."

"Of course, you're my best friend."

He smiled at me, genuinely this time "thanks, Anthony. You're my best friend too."

 

I stepped out out of the shower quickly. I grabbed a towel and looked away and bit my lip when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I dried off my hair the best I could and through on my clothes. Ian was on his phone when I stepped out. I grabbed the bag that I'd packed with sandwiches for lunch and looked at him.

"Ready to go?" 

He nodded and stood, putting his phone into his pocket. 

"Yeah, I'm ready."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. Just remember that this does have a happy ending and Anthony will be fine. Not all of Anthony's chapters will be like this either so don't worry about the fic becoming too dark, he's hurting but he'll be fine in the end. Anyway, thanks for reading and leaving comments, I love you guys. See you next Sunday!


	11. Make Believe You Love Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian's getting worried about Anthony. Plus swings and tag because I'm cliché af.

Ian's POV:  
Anthony drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and looked at me. I smiled back at him. His gaze lingered on me and I looked away.

"Eyes on the road, I know I'm distracting but really, this is ridiculous."

He rolled his eyes and looked back at the road. I looked out the window at the passing buildings and streets. I watched as the offices turned to houses and then into expanses of rolling hills. I rolled down my window and smiled as I felt the brisk air on my face. He glanced around to make sure the road was empty and sped from sixty to eighty-five miles per hour. The wind was almost deafening but I could hear him laughing. I looked over at him and saw he was looking back at me. I didn't say anything but instead closed my eyes and felt the freedom rushing through my body. 

It felt like somehow none of my worries mattered anymore. I didn't care that the man I was I love with didn't feel the same. I didn't care about anything except that he was sitting next to me and we suddenly had no one to answer to and nothing to do. I felt like we were in high school again, living for these moments when we could really be ourselves. 

I opened my eyes again as I felt the car slow back down. He pulled into an almost empty parking lot and sighed, leaning back and closing his eyes. He chuckled quietly and looked over at me. 

"Are we reliving our rebellious teenage years?" 

I smiled back "I guess we are."

His smile faded "I was so stupid back then, thinking the world was against me..."

I reached over and rested my hand on his, he curled his fingers around mine and looked over at me "Anthony, you weren't overreacting. Your parents seriously were assholes, it wasn't your fault that that you were upset." 

Anthony had a really unaccepting family, he had been kind of depressed because of it. After he turned eighteen he had moved in with my family until we got our own apartment. Once he got away from his family he got way better, we never really talked about it though. I was actually really scared to bring it up at all.

He smiled "yeah, I know. I just mean that it was stupid to think that you hated me."

He pulled his hand away and got out of the car "I could never hate you. I lo- I'm your best friend." I looked away, knowing I had almost ruined everything but saying how I really felt.

He didn't seem to notice "yeah I know that now, I just didn't then."

He grabbed the bag of food and motioned for me to follow him as he walked over to the open field on the other side of the parking lot. I followed and looked around. The park was just an open field surrounded by mountains. Besides a swing set and the parking lot the park was just a field. Anthony sat down on a flat part of the ground and I sat across from him. He handed me a sandwich and took a bite of his. I realized it was a turkey sandwich and I smiled at him.

"I figured that you'd go crazy if you had to stay on a vegan diet. Consider this your day off."

I thanked him and watched as the reached back into the bag, pulling out a bottle of wine and two plastic glasses. 

I raised an eyebrow "aren't you driving?" 

He nodded "yeah, but this stuff isn't that strong and I'll wait an hour."

I shrugged "just don't let me end up in the hospital twice in one month."

 

We finished our lunch and I stood, helping Anthony to his feet as well. Anthony hadn't eaten more then a few bites but said that he'd grab something when we got home and just wasn't hungry now. He stumbled a little as he stood and I rolled my eyes.

"No way you're driving any time soon."

He was standing steadily now that he had been given time to get his balance back "I know, come on."

I followed him back to the car and and set the bag back in the trunk.

"So what are we going to do for an hour?" He smiled at me "you'll see, have some patience."

I asked him again but got the same answer and then gave up. We walked along the edge of the parking lot for a while and talked.

"When are you coming back to the office?" He asked.

"Do I have to come back?" He put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer.

"Yes, Ian, you do."

I sighed and walked beside him, pressing gently against his side. I put my arm around his waist and looked up at him. I brushed his hip bone and felt it stick out far more then it should but it was probably just the way he was breathing or something. 

"I'll probably go in later this week, I won't be happy about it though."

He chuckled "I know, be happy I offered to do your paperwork while you were gone, you had a lot. You know that stuff piles up, don't you?"

He sat down on one of the old swings and I sat on the other, pushing myself absentmindedly. "I'm pretty convinced that if I leave it for long enough it will go away."

He chuckled and pushed himself higher on the swing, leaning back. He looked absolutely perfect then. The golden sunlight washing over him, his dark hair falling loosely as he leaned back farther, a smile stretched across his face. I stood up on the swing and looked down at him. He met my eyes a flashed a wide grin. 

He stood as well "aw, I was the tall one for a moment."

He smirked and bent his knees so he was a foot shorter "better?"

"Shut up, you fricken giraffe."

He stood back up and reached over, grabbing the chain on my swing, almost knocking me off.

"Anthony!" I shouted and grabbed the chain for support. I happened to grab his hand and just as I was about to pull away he took my hand in his. I tried not to blush as he pulled my hand away from the chain and into the space between the two swings. 

"Do you want kids?" I asked him.

He shrugged "yeah, but I doubt I'll have any. I'd be a terrible father."

I squeezed his hand "you'll be a great dad, Anthony."

He smiled sadly and looked over at me "what about you?"

I nodded, gripping his hand to keep me balanced "yeah, but not for a while. How many do you want?"

He paused a second "like one or two, I don't think I could handle any more then that."

"Yeah, me too."

I couldn't help but think about having a child with him and I mentally slammed my head against a wall. 

He didn't say anything and stroked his thumb over my knuckles. I hoped he didn't pull his hand away, I really liked holding his hand. 

He didn't pull away but hopped off the swing, I did the same but is my foot hit the mulch I slipped. He tried to catch me but I ended up falling over with me. I fell on top of him, our faces onto a few centimeters apart. Every part of my mind was screaming for me to kiss him but I couldn't. I tried to push away at the same time he did and somehow I ended up with my head between his legs. I glanced up at him and sat up fast enough to see stars and blushed furiously.

"Did you just almost accidentally blow me?"

I laughed nervously "uh, yeah, guess so..."

He laughed and sat up, pulling pieces of mulch from his hair. 

"C'mon, at least buy me dinner first!"

I bit my lip and looked away, trying to hide that I was still blushing.

He put a hand on my shoulder "hey, don't be embarrassed, it wasn't like you tried to."

I smiled nervously "yeah, I know. Anyway, feeling ready to drive yet?"

 

The drive back took longer because he wasn't driving twenty miles over the limit. The sun was setting when we got back into LA. I watched the sky turn from the sky blue to the color of cotton candy and then to dark purple. I yawned as we pulled up to our apartment and Anthony practically had to pull me out of the car. We walked into the apartment and I was about to go to bed when Anthony stopped me. He hugged me tightly and I wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me closer and I relaxed into his arms. I rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. I felt myself falling asleep like that but I didn't care. The last thing I heard before I fell asleep was Anthony's voice in my ear.

"Goodnight, Ian... thank you."

 

I woke up in the middle of the night in my bed. I looked at the clock, it was 3:47 AM. I heard quiet whimpering from outside my door. I immediately worried if Anthony was having another panic attack and opened my door. I let out a sigh of relief as I realized it was Daisy begging to be let into my room. She jumped onto my bed and I laid back down, letting her crawl closer to me. I reached out my hand to pet her an realized she was shaking. Before I could wonder why I heard a loud crack of thunder and jumped. I hate thunder.

I closed my eyes and tried to ignore the storm outside but I couldn't. I figured that Anthony would be up in a few hours and I could get up then. I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep so I pulled out my phone and watched some youtube videos to keep my mind off the storm. When that didn't work I decided that if just have to wait it out. I squeezed my eyes shut and waited for the storm to end. I imagined that Anthony was with me, holding me tightly. It made me feel a little better but I was still shaking. 

Time ticked by slowly but eventually I watched the clock shift to reading 6:00 AM. I swung my legs over the bed and stood. I yawned and stretched before walking out of my room. Anthony was up but certainly not awake. He was leaning against the counters with a coffee mug in his hand. His hair was messy and he had dark circles under his eyes. He was wearing a hoodie and sweatpants despite that the house was pretty warm. He jumped when he saw me.

"Oh, it's just you." His voice sounded flat and was softer then usual. I stepped next to him and hugged him quickly. He was shivering.

"You feeling okay?"

"I... I'm fine... Just feel a little under the whether I guess..."

I wanted to believe him but I didn't.

"Anthony, what's wrong?"

He looked at the ground and sighed "I... I just had another nightmare... It's nothing..."

I wanted so badly to kiss him. Not just because I loved him but also to just show him how much I cared about him. I needed him to know that.

"I'm so sorry... I-if you ever need you can, you know, wake me up and talk about it..."

He shook his head "n-no, I'd never do that..."

I took his hand comfortingly "please, Anthony, just wake me up. I won't be mad, I just need you to be happy."

He took a shaky breath and nodded "o-okay... I will..."

"Now can we get some breakfast? I'm starving."

 

I made toast for both of us. He didn't say anything as he ate but looked like there was something on his mind. I knew he wouldn't tell me but I asked anyway.

"What are you thinking about?"

He looked up at me, his brown eyes meeting mine.

"Just tired..."

His eyes were like syrup, dark and sweet and beautiful. Most people say that blue or green eyes were the most beautiful but most people haven't looked into Anthony Padilla's eyes. 

"C'mon, Anthony, don't lie to me

He sighed and looked down "I... I just haven't been sleeping well... I'm not lying this time... I've been having really bad nightmares and..."

I hugged him again "then come and wake me. I won't be mad."

He nodded and pulled me closer and buried his face in my neck. "Thank you, Ian, thank you..."

I closed my eyes and rested my forehead on his shoulder, my arms still around his waist.

"Of course, you can always ask me for help."

Then he did something I didn't expect; he kissed my cheek. He'd never done that before, I felt myself blushing. 

He pulled away and smiled half-heartedly "thanks, Ian, it means a lot."

"No problem, I'd do anything for you."

He smiled again, this time looking more sincere. I took a bite of my toast and looked over at him, he was looking down at the untouched breakfast in his hands.

"Not hungry?"

He looked up at me with wide eyes, like he was scared "oh, right... Food..."

I finished my toast and exited into the kitchen. I figured Anthony didn't need any more stress in his life so I started to load the dishwasher. It wasn't much but it was the best I could think of at the moment. I started the dishwasher and felt arms wrap around me from behind. I spun around to find Anthony standing directly in front of me. I felt myself blushing and I couldn't make words, he was so close. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead on mine.

"Thank you, Ian. You don't know how much you mean to me, thank you."

I felt his breath on my face and felt myself moving instinctively to kiss him. I stopped myself millimeters from his lips and thanked god that his eyes were closed. His breath smelling strongly of mint, but not like he'd brushed his teeth, more like he'd taken a shot of mouthwash; it wasn't unpleasant though. I pulled back for fear that he'd realize that I'd almost kissed him and... I actually wasn't sure what he'd do, but it wouldn't be good. He seemed to realize that he was standing far too close and pulled away awkwardly. 

I regained use of my voice "Anthony, are you sure it's just bad dreams?"

He bit his lip and nodded "y-yeah, they just always involve loosing you and... They've reminded me how much I need you."

I smiled and hugged him again quickly "I need you too, I'll never leave you. No matter what."

He smiled "I know, I'd never leave you either."

If he only knew, then he wouldn't think that. He'd leave in the blink of an eye if he knew how much I loved him.

"Uh, thanks for doing the dishes and stuff..." He mumbled softly.

"No problem, if I'm going to be living here I need to stop being such a dead weight."

He glanced up at me "y-you don't think that do you?"

I smiled "no, Anthony, I'm just kidding around."

"Good, because you're anything but useless."

I missed his smile, I wanted so bad to see that smile spread across his perfect face. 

I smirked and tapped him on the shoulder.

"Tag,"

He looked up, confused. "What?"

"Tag," I repeated before running into the other room. He rolled his eyes "what are you, five?"

"You're just scared that you won't be able to catch me." I taunted.

"I fucking hate you," he said before chasing after me. I darted around the couch and grinned up at him. He were on opposite sides of the couch, both waiting for the other to move. The second me moved for me I jumped away and ran out of the apartment and down the stairs to the lobby. He ran after me and managed to tackle me to the ground. 

I realized that there were several people standing around the lobby staring at us. The woman at the front desk looked about ready to kill us. Anthony was straddling my hips, my hands pinned above my head. 

"Hey, Ian," he smiled "tag,"

I laughed and pushed him off, standing and then helped him to his feet. 

All eyes were still on us. I took his hand and bowed.

"Thank you everyone, go subscribe to Smosh of youtube." I said before pulling him back up to our apartment. I closed the door behind us and looked at him. He was almost crying from laughter, my plan to get him to smile had worked.

 

A few hours later there was a knock on the door. I stood up from the couch and answered it. Joven was standing in the doorway and glaring at Anthony. I looked between the two of them to try to figure out what was going on.

"Anthony, you want to explain that text conversation?"

Anthony blushed deep pink and holy shit was it adorable. 

"Oh... Kind of forgot to reply... C-can we talk in private?"

He glanced nervously at me and Joven nodded. They walked into his room and I sat back down. I had no idea what was going on and was actually really offended that Anthony hadn't been comfortable talking around me. They came back out a few minutes later.

"I believe you just... You can always talk to me, about anything." Joven said as he walked toward the door.

"I know, thanks Joven."

Anthony closed the door behind him and sighed.

"What was that about?" I asked.

"It's n-nothing. Don't worry about it..."

I decided not to pester him and went back to scrolling through Tumblr. He glanced down at my phone and read over my shoulder.

"Tumblr? You're brave." I jumped a little and thanked god I was just on my dash and not the Ianthony tag, a place I found myself more and more often.

"Yeah, I try to stay away from anything Smosh related, pretty terrifying." I lied.

He smiled and drummed his thin fingers on my shoulder. He got bored after a few minutes and walked into his room and didn't come out for several hours.

 

I decided to wake him at 1:00 deciding that he'd probably be hungry. I walked in without knocking and saw him sleeping peacefully. He was shirtless and had the blankets pulled up to his hips. I realized he'd lost weight recently and looked skinner then he had before and I looked at him for a second. I moved to sit down and once I got closer be looked better, what I had first seen as unhealthy was just the fact that he was so insanely healthy. Although he still looked a little thin... What was I saying? Of course he was fine.

I called him name softly and watched him open his eyes slowly. He jumped back in surprise and pulled up the blankets.

"You okay?" I asked, concerned.

He yawned and blinked a few times "I'm sorry, just wasn't quite ready to wake up I guess."

I nodded "hungry?" 

He bit his lip "uh, not really. I could make you something though."

I shook my head "it's fine, I'll eat when you do."

"Um, yeah that works... Ian, can I get dressed?"

I blushed when I realized it was vey possible that he wasn't wearing anything.

"Oh, yeah, I'll... I'll go."

He smiled "that would be appreciated."

I looked at the ground as I left his room and shut the door behind me. I sighed and rubbed my eyes hard enough to make me see stars. Anthony walked out a few seconds later having thrown on a long-sleeved shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He seemed to be struggling with himself over what to say but eventually said simply "can I take you up on the lunch offer?"

I nodded and smiled. I put my hand on his shoulder and felt him shutter slightly. I smiled at him and he looked up, he looked content but also like he was ashamed about something. He followed me into the kitchen.

"I'll help you cook if you want." I offered.

He shook his head "n-no, I'm fine."

"You sure?"

He pushed me out of the room gently, although he seemed weak, like he wouldn't be able to push me if I actually tired not to move. I stood in the doorway and leaned against the wall. I found myself watching him; observing the way he moved. His hands were shaking, his breaths shallow, and his movements jerky. I knew he wasn't sleeping well but there had to be something seriously wrong if he was this bad... It was like he was always out of energy these days.

He handed me a bowl of salad and although I wasn't usually a salad person I didn't mind, the blueberries and walnuts made up for lettuce. I smiled and took it, walking out and sitting down at the table. He sat across from me and ate slowly. He finished eventually pushed his bowl away. 

"Not hungry?"

He shrugged and yawned "not really, but I'm glad I ate."

I took our bowls into the kitchen. I was half expecting him to follow me but I wasn't surprised when he didn't. I didn't say anything, he looked tired and deep in thought. It was almost a minute before he sighed and stood. 

"I'm going to get a little more rest,"

He started walking towards his room but by instinct I grabbed his wrist to stop him. He turned, his eyes wide with fear.

"Anthony, are you okay? Don't you fucking lie to me and say you're just tired because I've seen you tired and it doesn't look like this."

He looked down and sighed "I'm sorry, Ian, I-I really am. It's hard to explain but I'm just scared to fall asleep, most nights I don't sleep at all because I'm scared that I will have another nightmare..."

I hugged him "then come sleep with me."

I wasn't saying it to try to get him to hold me or anything anymore, I just wanted him to be safe. He nodded and yawned.

"Tired?" I asked. He nodded again.

I took his hand and led him into his bedroom. 

"You sure you don't mind?" He asked, laying down.

I laid down next to him and looked at him. "Of course not, just get some sleep."

He nodded and closed his eyes, he was asleep in minutes. We were close enough to touch but we weren't, much to my disappointment.

I couldn't sleep with him like that. He was so close but not close enough, not nearly close enough. I closed my tired eyes though and saw him in the darkness behind my eyelids. I sighed, hoping that somewhere in his mind, he saw me too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is way later then I usu post because I kind of thought it was Saturday until 10:30 at night... Sorry about that but it's up now. I know it's pretty short but I had really bad writer's block all week. Please keep leaving comments and kudos, they seriously make my day. See you guys next week!


	12. I Don't Want You To Go But I Need You To Leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony finally talks about what's really wrong.

Ian looked out the window as we drove through LA, checking his reflection in the rear-view mirror. He pushed his his messy, brown hair back from his eyes and adjusted the collar on his shirt.

"What are you doing?"

He jumped and looked over at me "I wasn't doing anything." He said quickly.

I reached over and put a hand on his shoulder "Ian, you look great."

I had meant to say "fine" but "great" just sort of came out. It wasn't like it wasn't true, Ian always looked great. He was always the hotter half of Smosh, people sometimes send letters and would add "P.S. Anthony's hotter" but seriously, I wasn't anywhere near Ian's level of beauty. I was actually pretty convinced he was the most attractive man on the planet.

"Uh, thanks." He said quietly.

'Wow, Anthony, good fucking job. Now it's awkward, nice going.' I thought. 

Fortunately Ian spoke again "can I ask you something?"

I nodded but kept my eyes on the road. 

"It's a little weird but... What's the difference between a starfish and a brittle star?"

I looked over at him quizzically. He looked back, expecting an answer.

"I think a starfish is like wider and brittle stars are more bendy and stuff, I don't know.."

"But why is a brittle star less brittle?"

I rolled my eyes "I don't fucking know, Google it."

"But I like hearing you talk."

I laughed "whatever, Ian."

I found myself staring at him and blushed.

"Eyes on the road, I know I'm distracting but really, this is ridiculous."

I rolled my eyes and looked away. He definitely was right about the distracting part. You could get lost in those eyes and the way his lips twitched when he talked, damn it, I was comparing myself to him again. 

The buildings were replaced by mountains and trees almost as soon as we left the city. Ian rolled down his window and the wind immediately blew back his hair. He laughed and I checked that the road was empty before I sped up the car to about twenty-five miles over the limit. 

I couldn't hear him laughing over the wind but it was obvious he was from the look on his face. He looked over at me and closed his eyes. He looked like a scene right out of a teen romance movie, except I wasn't his boyfriend obviously, he wasn't even gay.

I pulled into an old park a few minutes later. He reopened his eyes and looked around. 

"Are we reliving our rebellious teenage years?"

Oh shit. I thought about my past. That was a bad idea. High school hadn't been good for me. 

"I guess we are," he said.

"I was so stupid back then, thinking the world was against me."

He touched my hand and I immediately grabbed it, almost for support. 

"Anthony, you weren't overreacting. Your parents seriously were assholes, it wasn't your fault that you were upset."

To say I was upset was definitely an understatement. Yeah; I was upset enough to cut myself, upset enough to starve myself, upset enough to try to kill myself...

"Yeah, I know." I said, trying to end the conversation "I just mean it was stupid to think that you hated me."

I pulled my hand away and got out I the car "I could never hate you, I- you're my best friend."

I was unsettled my his stutter. I'd definitely scared him, I didn't want him to be worried.

"Yeah I know that now, I just didn't then." That wasn't a lie, I knew he didn't hate me, he just should. He should hate me. If he knew who I was of the things I thought he'd hate me, just like everyone else.

 

I hadn't had a full meal in a while so I felt tipsy after just one glass of wine. Ian helped me to my feet and I stumbled; from fatigue or intoxication, I couldn't tell. 

"No way you're driving any time soon." 

Thank god, Ian thought I was just drunk. Best he never found out what was really going on.

"I-I know, come on." I hoped he couldn't hear how shaky my voice was.

He walked back with me to the car, and thankfully, I didn't fall over or anything. 

"So what are we going to do for an hour?"

I pushed back the feeling of nausea I always got after I ate anything.

"You'll see, have some patience."

I actually had no idea what we would do but as long as it got my mind off the fact that even just standing was becoming difficult I was fine with it.

 

We talked about work for a while and walked. I ended up sitting down on the swing set because I was scared I'd pass out if I stayed standing.

It was odd but after a while I found myself smiling, I felt genuinely content. I closed my eyes and pushed myself on the swing, leaning back. I didn't want this moment to end, I was happy and Ian was with me and I wanted it to stay like this forever. I opened my eyes to see him standing on the swing and grinning down at me. I stood as well, actually feeling pretty strong despite the fact that I had been about to pass out a few minutes ago. 

"Aw, I was the tall one for a moment."

I bent my knees so we were the same hight "better?"

"Shut up, you fricken giraffe."

I grabbed the chain of his swing, knocking him slightly off balance. He shouted and grabbed my hand. Unsure of what else to do, I took his hand. Obviously he was just holding my hand as a friend. He smiled at me and squeezed my hand.

"Do you want kids?"

I blinked at him for a few seconds and then shrugged. 

"Yeah, but I doubt I'll have any. I'd be a terrible father."

I really believed that, I had never had a real father, how could I be one?

He squeezed my hand again "you'll be a great dad, Anthony."

I faked a smiled but it was hard when I was thinking about my parents "what about you?"

"Yeah, but not for a while. How many do you want?"

I really hadn't thought about it. I wasn't going to have children in the first place so why would I? I probably wouldn't even get married either, someone would have to be insane to want to spend the rest of their life with me. 

"Like one out two," I concluded "I don't think I could handle any more then that."

"Yeah, me too."

I really didn't want to let go of his hand but the constant movement of the swing mixed with the general lack of energy was making me feel sick.

I stepped off the swing while still holding his hand and stumbled when my legs hit the ground. I guess I threw him off balance somehow because he ended up laying on top of me. 

He was so damn close. I could feel his warm breath and his hair was falling in my eyes. Neither of us moved or said anything for a few second, personally I didn't really mind the feeling. I wasn't sure why but having him close actually made me happy, that was hard to do. That's why no one ever figured out how fucking pathetic I was from videos because I was always hanging out with Ian, it was when I was alone that things were wrong.

I realized that I was just staring at him and he must thing I was a freak. I moved to sit up and he pulled back at the same time. Somehow he ended up with his head between my legs. He met my eyes and blushed, pulling back. 

"Did you just almost accidentally blow me?"

He laughed "uh, yeah, guess so."

I ran a hand through my hair nervously and sat up, laughing softly.

"C'mon, at least buy me dinner first!"

He looked away and I realized he was really embarrassed. Of course I hadn't noticed, I'd been completely oblivious to his feelings, again. I put a hand on his shoulder "hey, don't be embarrassed, it wasn't like you tried to..."

I hoped that sounded reassuring from his perspective because from mine, like everything else I said, it sounded pitiful and weak. 

He smiled and looked up at me "yeah, I know." He stood up "anyway, feeling ready to drive yet?"

 

I drove at the legal speed on the way back because I was exhausted. I looked over and saw his eyes drifting closed. He was falling asleep slowly, his forehead resting on the window.   
He didn't move when I parked the car or even when I called his name. I had to pick him up and pull him out of the car. He stirred and nuzzled my neck sleepily as he opened his eyes. Thank god he was awake, I couldn't hold him much longer. I set him down and he walked with me up to that apartment, although he was leaning against me for support. 

He was about to walk into his room when I stopped him. I needed to feel his touch one last time before he left, I knew I wasn't going to sleep well tonight and I hoped maybe if I heard his voice and felt his skin one more time it wouldn't be as bad. I hugged him tightly and closed my eyes. He hugged back and relaxed, I felt him start to put weight on my and fall asleep in my arms. I carried him into his room and laid him down.

"Goodnight, Ian... Thank you."

He was already asleep when I said that and I walked into my room quickly. I took off my shirt and winced at the reflection in the mirror. I could deal with all my problems but my body image issues really scared me sometimes. I'd had an eating disorder ever since high school and it had almost killed me a few times.

The depression almost killed me too but I knew that was happening. I fully knew that I was swallowing those pills and was fine with it. When the eating disorder had almost killed me I didn't want to die. It had only been a few years ago and I still remember feeling myself just not have any energy anymore, it was like falling asleep but different, the darkness seemed deeper and more permanent. Ian had found me and gotten me some water seconds after I passed out. I had told him it was heat stroke and he'd believed me. I'll never forget how concerned he looked when he found me.

People sometimes think that people with eating disorders only have health issues if they get too skinny but a huge part of the danger comes just from how fast you lose weight. You could be four hundred pounds and still die from an eating disorder. 

I felt myself getting dizzy and I fell onto the bed. I groaned and rubbed my head, trying to clear away the migraine forming behind my eyes. 

I closed my eyes and thought back over the day. It had been amazing to just hang out with Ian like when we were kids but, unfortunately, my childhood wasn't a good memory. My parents had been abusive, not physically but just never accepting who I was. They wanted me to grow up and be a lawyer but I didn't want that. It was only a month before moving in with Ian that I tried to kill myself, and I would have done it again if he hadn't been there for me, and I would have succeeded that time. He'd saved my life more times then I could count and he didn't even know it. It really didn't help that my parents were homophobic and I was bi... I could barely even be classified as bi, I far preferred guys to girls. They were so, ugh, I couldn't explain it. Everything about them was just perfect, girls were alright but just not the same. I sometimes liked them but not the same way I did with guys.

I hadn't noticed myself falling asleep until I woke up the next morning. I felt like I was about to freeze to death. I threw on a jacket and pair of sweatpants and drew my arms tightly around myself. I thought for a second how amazing it would feel to have Ian hold me now but pushed the thought away.

I started making coffee even though the thought of ingesting anything made me want to throw up, I knew I had to at least get something into my stomach. I focused on trying to even out my breaths, hoping that might make me feel a little better and it helped slightly. I took a sit of the black coffee, not able to force myself to add milk and definitely not sugar.

I was surprised when heard Ian's voice and somehow found the energy to actually jump and turn to face him. I guess the coffee was really helping. Maybe I'd have another cup and then could skip lunch. 

"Oh, it's just you."

He hugged me and I felt a sudden urge to hold him and never let go but he pulled away. 

"You feeling okay?"

Fuck. He knew, didn't he? Of course he knew. I was almost twenty pounds underweight and barely had the energy to stand anymore. 

"I... I'm fine... Just a little under the weather I guess..."

I knew it was a bad lie but I just couldn't tell him the truth. I couldn't put him through that.

"Anthony, what's wrong?"

"I... I just had another nightmare... It's nothing..."

That wasn't entirely false, I did have a nightmare, it just was the least of my problems. 

"I'm so sorry... I-if you ever need you can, you know, wake me up and talk about it..."

This was why I didn't tell him shit, he tried to fix it.

"N-no, I'd never do that..."

He took my hand. His was warm and soft, so different from my cold, boney hands.

"Please, Anthony, just wake me up. I won't be mad, I just need you to be happy."

I nodded "o-okay... I will..."

I wasn't sure if that was the truth or not, but I was glad it was an option.

"Now can we get some breakfast? I'm starving."

 

I ate reluctantly, knowing Ian would catch on if I didn't. I could always throw up afterwards so it didn't really do any harm. Ian didn't say anything but I knew he was worried.

"What are you thinking about?" He eventually asked.

"Just tired..."

I really had to come up with some better lies, Ian could see right through this.

"C'mon, Anthony, don't lie to me."

I sighed, I really didn't want to lie to him, but I had to. It was for his own good.

"I... I just h-haven't been sleeping well..." That wasn't a complete lie, I hadn't been sleeping well, I just happened to leave out some details "I'm not lying this time... I've been having really bad nightmares and..."

He hugged my tightly. I was scared he'd be able to feel my spine and ribs through my sweatshirt.

"Then come wake me. I won't be mad."

I pulled him closer and nuzzled his neck. "Thank you, Ian, thank you..."

He rested his forehead on my shoulder and sighed "of course, you can always ask me for help."

I didn't mean to kiss his cheek, I was just an emotional wreck and wasn't thinking about what I was doing. I expected him to push me away and get mad but he didn't do anything. Neither of us moved for a few minutes, I just felt his slow, steady breaths and strong heartbeat. 

I pulled away and faked a smile "thanks, Ian, it means a lot."

"No problem, I'd do anything for you."

I smiled because I knew he really would, which was exactly why I couldn't tell him what was really wrong. 

I didn't say anything after that until he looked at me and put and hand on my knee. "Not hungry?"

Fuck, I forgot I needed to eat when he was around. I knew there was no way I'd be able to keep down an entire piece of toast, not like I was trying to though. 

"Oh, right... Food..."

We finished our breakfast and Ian walked into the kitchen. I closed and locked the bathroom door behind me and dropped to my knees. The feeling of having my fingers down my throat was not at all a new feeling, I did it was too often. I coughed a few times and was thankful the bathroom fan was pretty loud. Once I got the food out of my stomach I felt better. I cleaned up the bathroom quickly and took a swig of mouthwash. I walked out of the bathroom and into the kitchen. Ian had his back to me and I wrapped my arms tightly around his waist. He turned around and met my eyes, he looked at me for a few seconds and said nothing. I rested my forehead on his and sighed. I wish he knew how much he meant to me. How fucking perfect he was.

"Thank you, Ian. You don't know how much you mean to me, thank you..." I whispered.

"Anthony, are you sure it's just bad dreams?"

I swallowed. Fuck, I'd gone to far again. I'd opened up and now he was worried. I was a dead weight in his life, always weighing him down. I didn't want to die, I really didn't. I didn't want to cause anyone anymore pain. I wished I'd never been born, I wished I'd never become a part of people's lives.

"Y-yeah, they just always involve loosing you and... They've just reminded me of how much I need you."

He hugged me and smiled "I need you too, I'll never leave you. No matter what."

If he only knew, maybe if he knew the full truth he would leave. He'd finally accept that I just couldn't be fixed.

"I know, I'd never leave you either."

He didn't say anything and I saw an opportunity to change the topic.

"Uh, thanks for doing the dishes and stuff..."

"No problem, if I'm going to be living here I need to stop being such a dead weight."

I sucked in a breath, I knew he was joking but still. Ian was the most helpful an d caring person if ever met, how could he even think that he wasn't?

"Y-you don't think that, do you?"

He smiled at me reassuringly "no, Anthony, I'm just kidding around."

"Good because you're anything but useless."

We walked up to me and I expected for him to hug me again but instead he hit my shoulder playfully.

"Tag,"

"What?"

"Tag." 

He jumped back into the living room and laughed.

"What are you, five?"

"You're just scared you won't be able to catch me."

"I fucking hate you." I muttered before using all the strength I had left to chase after him. He ran around the living room and bolted out the door. I hesitated for a second, knowing I barely had any energy but sprinted down the stairs after him. 

He ran into the lobby and I managed to grab onto his arm. He lost his balance and fell over. He grabbed my shoulder for support but just ended pulling me down on top of him. He laughed and shifted slightly under me. 

"Hey, Ian," I panted "tag,"

He pushed me off and stood up, helping me to my feet. He grabbed my hand and bowed. He was so fucking adorable sometimes. He had that contagious grin plastered to his face and was giggling.

"Thank you, everyone, go subscribe to Smosh on youtube."

He pulled me back up into our apartment and we with collapsed on the couch. He grinned at me and leaned back, closing his eyes.

"You're so weird, kitten." I gasped in between bursts of laughter. I used to call him kitten all the time but ever since fans started thinking it was a pet name or a fetish or something I'd stopped. I could tell it made him happy to hear his old nickname again, even if he pretended to hate it. 

"And you love me for it."

"Yeah, I do."

 

I few hours later someone knocked on the door. Ian opened it and we were both surprised as Joven walked in. As soon as I saw him I realized I never replied to his text. He must have been going out of his mind with confusion.

"Anthony, you want to explain that text conversation?"

"Oh... Kind of forgot to reply... C-can we talk in private?"

He nodded and I led him into my room.

"So you seriously just forgot to reply?"

I sighed and sat down on my bed "yeah, I'm really sorry..."

He sat next to me and put a hand on my shoulder "that's fine, dude, I just wanted to make sure that, you know, you weren't embarrassed about it."

I faked a smiled "yeah, I just forgot. If I wasn't straight, of course I'd tell you." I lied.

"Yeah okay, I just was in the area and wanted to check my. I have some stuff to do."

He stood up and walked out of my room. 

"Sure, sounds good."

He paused before he left the apartment "I believe you just... You can always talk to me, about anything."

"I know, thanks, Joven."

He left and Ian walked up to me "what was that about?"

"It's n-nothing, don't worry about it..." I stuttered.

 

I was jolted out of a nap by Ian calling my name. I hadn't meant to fall asleep, but I had been getting changed and the bed just seemed really comfortable and if I was going to pass out if might as well be in a bed. I realized with a start that I had been changing when I decided to lay down. I was just really glad the blankets covered me from the waist down. 

"You okay?" He asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

"I'm sorry, just wasn't quite ready to wake up, I guess."

He nodded "hungry?" I don't want to eat, I really didn't. I knew he could probably see just how skinny I'd gotten lately. He didn't seem to notice, I guess he just didn't notice just how bad it was in places. 

"Uh, not really. I could make you something though."

"It's fine, I'll eat when you do."

I knew I had to eat. If I didn't want to end up in the hospital I'd have to get some food into my stomach, and keep it there. 

"Um, that works... Ian, can I get dressed?"

He blushed and got off my bed, apparently just realizing that I wasn't wearing anything.

"Oh, yeah, I'll... I'll go."

"That would be appreciated."

He walked out and I threw on a long sleeved shirt and sweatpants. I walked out and saw him stranded in the living room. I knew I should eat something but the idea of eating was making me feel sick. I decided that I could at least have a few bites, that would be better then nothing. 

"Uh, can I take you up on that lunch offer?"

 

I actually ate almost half a bowl of salad and could already feel some energy returning. I was still tired though.

"I'm going to go get a little more rest."

He grabbed my wrist, the same wrist with three thin white scars. My heart sped up and I knew I was so fucking screwed. He saw them and I couldn't lie my way out of this. The walks a had built up for years were all about to fall down.

"Anthony, are you okay? Don't you fucking lie to me and say you're just tired because I've seen you tired and it doesn't look like this"

Nothing about the scars? Maybe he hadn't seen them. Maybe I was still okay. 

"I'm sorry, Ian, I-I really am. It's hard to explain but I'm just scared to fall asleep, most nights I don't sleep at all because I'm scared that I will have another nightmare..." 

Another lie but I risk saying anything else. If he caught on that I was lying he wouldn't give up until he knew the whole truth.

He hugged me and I could tell he fell for the lie "then come sleep with me." 

I was about to say no when I yawned. He chuckled and pulled away. 

"Tired?" 

I nodded and gave in, I did sleep better with Ian there. I let him lead me into into my bedroom. 

I laid down and looked up at him "you sure you don't mind?" 

He laid down next to me "of course not, get some sleep."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Remember to leave comments and kudos, they make me so happy! 
> 
> Anyway, I'm at camp this week so don't be too surprised if the next chapter is late or short. 
> 
> If any of you guys ship Phan you should go check out my friend's story Broken because it's really good and if you like this you'll live it. Check it out (http://archiveofourown.org/works/3330545/chapters/7281833)


	13. Athletic, Funny, Sweet, Happy, and Hot as Fuck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Olivia and Ian talk about Ian's feelings for Anthony.

I woke up alone. I wished Anthony was still asleep next to me, as creepy as it was, I liked watching him sleep. He just seemed to peaceful and relaxed. I closed my eyes again and pulled the blankets up a little. They smelled like him, like aftershave and mint. It was a weird combination but definitely a good one.

I wanted to fall back asleep, surrounded by his soft blankets and pillows but I really wasn't tired. I could always just lay here for a while longer but I wanted to go see Anthony. I got out of the bed and walked out of his room. He was watching TV, stretched out across the couch. I recognized the show he was watching as Sherlock. He looked over at me when I walked out and smiled.

"Morning, sleeping beauty." He joked.

I knew he meant it as a joke but, fuck, it made my heart speed up to hear him say that. 

"Hey, sleep well?" I asked as I walked over to him and leaned over the back of the couch to see him better.

"Yeah, actually. Thanks."

I smiled and reached down playfully to ruffle his hair. He nuzzled my hand and closed his eyes.

"I'm glad. If you ever need me to again, just ask."

"Okay, kitten, I will."

I bit my lip. I'd never had problems with his nickname for me besides it being a little annoying but now I thought it was kind of hot. Not in a sexual way but I just wanted him to call me that late at night before he kissed me and pulled me into his arms or something. 

I pulled my hand away and took a step back. He didn't seem phased by me moving away and went back to watching TV. It stung a little that he didn't want me with him -or at least not enough to ask me to stay- but why would he? I was just a friend to him, he didn't need me there all the time like I did him. I didn't really know what to do, it wasn't time to get started on dinner yet and he was watching TV in the living room. That just left my bedroom and I didn't have anything to do there. I figured I could text Olivia and watch some TV to pass the time. I didn't say anything to Anthony as I went into my bedroom, not like he cared what I did anyway. I flopped down on the bed and closed my eyes. I realized I was really lucky to have Olivia to talk to, bottling up me feelings for Anthony would not end well. I pulled out my phone and saw that he had already texted me an hour ago.

Olivia: do you want to come over? It might do you good to talk face to face.

Me: yeah, let me check with Anthony but I'm sure it's fine.

I was glad that I was getting out of the house. I loved spending time with Anthony, obviously, but I needed some time away. I got dressed into clean clothes and walked out into the living room.

"Is it okay if I head over to Olivia's?" I asked as I walked passed the couch. He nodded without looking up. 

"Go ahead, will you be back for dinner?"

"I should be," I said before closing the door to our apartment. 

 

I didn't go to Olivia's house much but sometimes she had everyone from the office over and stuff. I knocked on the door hesitantly and she opened it after a few seconds. She greeted me warmly and led me in.

"So, want something to drink or something?" She asked as we sat down in armchairs in her living room.

"I'm fine." I said awkwardly. I would bad just talking about Anthony but I didn't know what else to talk about. 

"I don't want to make you feel like you have to but... Want to talk about stuff with Anthony?"

I sighed, I was glad she didn't mind. I'd never said it to someone out loud and I knew that talking to her would help.

"Yeah, okay. I guess I'm just kind of unsure what to do and I don't know why."

She looked at me, encouraging me to keep talking. "I mean, I shouldn't want to tell him. I shouldn't want him to know, I know he doesn't feel the same."

"How do you know?" I was surprised to hear her say anything. I was so used to repeating those words over and over in my head with no reply that hearing one sounded odd.

"Uh, I just do. How could he? He's straight, for starters."

"If he doesn't know you're bi, maybe you don't know he is either." She had a point but it wasn't possible. How could he ever feel the same way?

"Yeah but... I don't know, I just know he doesn't. P-plus he's interested in someone else..."

I felt my breath hitch and a tear form in my eye. I wasn't going to cry, I couldn't just break down like this.

"Really?" She asked curiously "who?"

I wiped my eyes and looked away "Mari..."

"How do you know? Has he told you?"

My heart grew heavier at the thought of all the times he had made it very clear he liked her as more then a friend.

"N-no, but it's pretty obvious..."

She nodded slowly, searching for something to say.

"You really think he'd hate you if he found out?"

I was almost crying now but I couldn't stop it. I felt a tear run down my face and turned away so she wouldn't see.

"Of course, h-how could he not? Maybe he'd try t-to make it work but it w-would just be too awkward..."

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to start crying more. Olivia didn't say anything but just walked over and hugged me. It was a little awkward because we were both sitting in one armchair but neither of us cared. Right now all that mattered was that someone knew what I was feeling and actually cared. She stroked my hair and wrapped her arms around me, letting me cry into her shoulder. It took almost fifteen minutes for me to be able to calm down enough to talk.

"I-I'm sorry, for b-breaking down a-and shit..."

She kissed my cheek, but it felt nothing like the time Anthony did. 

"Ian, sweetheart, it's fine. Don't be ashamed for crying, it happens to all of us."

I struggled to catch my breath and wiped my eyes. 

"I just... I want it to go back to before... Before everything got fucked up..."

"It sounds stupid but... Maybe this is happening for a reason." She added quietly.

I wish that could be true but life doesn't work like that. Love isn't kind, you don't fall for people who fall for you, it just doesn't happen. Sometimes I wonder if we're even supposed to find love at all. 

"L-like what? What g-good could come fr-from this?"

She wiped my eyes and hugged me tighter "Maybe you and Anthony we're meant to be."

I shook my head an looked away "wish that we're true but no, it's not."

"How do you know?"

I sighed and shifted nervously "we just weren't, I don't know how but I know we weren't."

She rested her head on my shoulder and held me. I didn't start crying again but I got really close. We didn't say anything for a while but just sat there. Having her with me made me feel a lot better. I calmed down again and looked at her. She smiled back at me and giggled.

"Feeling better?"

I nodded and smiled back at her. "Yeah; thanks, by the way,"

She shrugged "you're welcome." She smirked slyly "so now that I know you're bi... Can I talk to you about guys?"

I laughed quietly "depends on what you mean by that, but sure,"

"You know Rami Malek?"

I rolled my eyes "yeah, what about him?"

She giggled and punched my arm playfully "he's hot right?"

I blushed slightly. I wasn't used to people talking to me about guys, but I really liked it. It was nice to finally be honest with someone. I wished I could be honest with Anthony but that wouldn't work for obvious reasons.

"Definitely, not really my type but yeah."

She looked at me expectantly "your turn, say someone else."

I should have known she'd do this at some point. I didn't mind but I'd never talked openly about guys before.

"Efron?"

She rolled her eyes "obviously, but not high school musical era."

I laughed and pushed my hair back a little "he was like seventeen so that's reasonable."

"Bob Morley?"

"Fuck yes! Have you seen him?"

She giggled and wrapped her arms around my neck "I'm really glad you told me, Ian."

I hugged her "yeah, me too."

She poked my stomach and smiled at me "will Anthony be mad if I steal you for a while?"

I shrugged "doubt it, why?"

"I've got Netflix, do you see where I'm going with this?"

 

We didn't talk much through the movie besides to point out attractive actors. We were still sitting in the same armchair but it was oddly comfortable. She smiled at me and stood up when the movie ended.

"You should get back to Anthony. Can we hang out again soon?"

I smiled and stood as well "of course!"

She walked with me out to my car "okay, I'll text you."

I got into the car and smiled "sounds good. See you, Olivia."

She waved "bye, Ian."

 

It was weird driving alone, I was used to having Anthony next to me. I always ended up thinking too hard in the car. Usually I listened to the radio but it was broken so I just sat in silence. 

Anthony was so much better then me, on every imaginable level. Even if he wasn't straight he'd never want me. He was athletic, funny, sweet, happy, and hot as fuck; I wasn't any of those things, or at least not nearly to the level he was. I really need to fix the car radio, thinking this much could not be good for my health. 

 

I got back to the apartment and smelled food cooking. 

"Hey, Ian!" He called from the kitchen as I walked in. 

"Hey," I called back, stepping into the kitchen. He was just closing the oven door and he turned to face me.

"How was Olivia?"

I shrugged "she's good, how was sitting and doing nothing?"

"Hey! I didn't do nothing! I went into the office!" I rolled my eyes and walked with him out to the living room.

"Speaking of the office," he added as he sat down "can you come in tomorrow?"

I nodded as I sat next to him "yeah sure," I said, even though I was not at all excited for paperwork.

"And I did your paperwork so I expect one hell of a thank you."

I laughed "isn't my company reward enough?"

He rolled his eyes and punched me playfully "I except cash or smoothies as thanks."

"Smoothies? Really?"

He nodded and shrugged "I'm craving smoothies,"

I reached over and ruffled his hair "there's a smoothie place five minutes from here, want to go before dinner's ready?"

He smiled and stood up "fuck yes, dinner will be another twenty minutes anyway."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry this is so short but I was in camp all week and had like no time. I promised this chapter would be happier and I hope it was. Please keep leaving comments and kudos because I love them so much.


	14. Lucky I'm in Love with my Best Friend

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony goes to the office while Ian hangs out with Olivia.

Anthony's POV:

I woke up feeling pretty okay. I saw Ian laying on the other side of the bed, still fast asleep. I glanced at my watch and saw that it was late afternoon. I pulled myself out of bed, careful not to wake Ian, and walked out into the living room. I grabbed an apple from the bowl on the counter. I felt good enough to eat but knew it might not last, if I didn't eat now I might not eat at all. I sat down on the couch and turned on the TV. I played an episode of Sherlock as I ate, trying to keep my mind off the growing discomfort in my stomach. I finished the apple and felt actually proud of myself. I hadn't felt that in so long and it felt amazing. Maybe I was getting better, I had Ian to thank for that.

 

I laid down on the couch and pulled a blanket over myself. I heard the bedroom door open and looked over to see Ian walk out.

 

"Morning, sleeping beauty," I smiled as he walked over to me groggily.

 

"Hey," he said, his voice lower then usual from sleep "sleep well?" "Yeah, actually. Thanks."

 

He leaned over the back of the couch and looked down at me, his already messy hair falling in his eyes. He ran my hand through my hair playfully and I closed my eyes at his familiar touch.

 

"I'm glad, if you ever need me to again, just ask." I doubted I would, but I also wouldn't say no if he offered.

 

"Okay, kitten, I will." He smiled and moved away from the couch and walked into his bedroom. It stung slightly that he didn't even say bye but why would he? It wasn't like we were dating or anything, he didn't have to spend all his time with me.

 

I didn't see him again for another ten minutes or so until he walked back out. I hoped he would come and talk with me but instead he asked "is it okay if I head over to Olivia's?"

 

I wasn't going to say no. He obviously had other friends and it was selfish of me to want him to only hang out with me.

 

"Go ahead, will you be back for dinner?"

 

"I should be," he said before walking out, once again, without saying goodbye.

 

I finished the episode I was watching before turning off the TV and standing up. I knew I needed to go into the office and get some work done today so I grabbed my laptop and fixed my hair, which was still messy from Ian playing with it, before walking out of the apartment.

 

 

The office was almost empty when I walked in. Wes was editing a video but besides that no one was around. I walked into Ian and I's shared office room. His desk looked just as he left it, besides a bouquet of flowers someone had left for him. I decided I'd get him one as well before he came back to work, it seemed like the right thing to do.

 

I did some editing for about an hour before packing my stuff up and leaving the office. I knew there was a florist just down the street and I could grab Ian some flowers and still be home in time to start making dinner. I got into the car and turned on the radio.

 

_Lucky I'm in love with my best friend, lucky to have been where I have been..._

 

Lucky by Jason Mraz was playing, I chuckled slightly as I remembered some of the fan videos that had that song into it. The Ianthony fans could be kind of annoying sometimes but they made good fan videos. Most of them were just a compilation of moments of our friendship, which was sometimes really therapeutic for me. It was nice to be reminded of all the times I'd been really happy around Ian.

 

I pulled into the almost empty parking lot of the flower shop and walked in. The woman at the counter was older, maybe in her fifties or so, and had a kind face. She smiled and waved as I walked in, I smiled back before looking through the racks of flowers. I settled on a bouquet of small white flowers with blue-tipped petals. The woman smiled warmly when I brought them up to the counter.

 

"Who's the lucky girl?"

 

I wasn't paying attention and replied without thinking "his name's Ian,"

 

"Well he's very lucky to have such a sweet boyfriend, did you know that convolvuluses represent love in many cultures?"

 

I looked up at her "what?"

 

"Yes, usually it's the most tender kind of love." She added as she put the flowers into a bag.

 

I laughed nervously "sorry, no, Ian isn't my boyfriend, he's just a friend..." I handed her my credit card and blushed.

 

"Sorry, I assumed because of the flowers."

 

"It's fine, he was just in a car accident so..."

 

She handed me the bag with a concerned look "is he alright?" I nodded "yeah, he's fine, he's just going back to work soon and everyone at our office got him flowers."

 

She smiled at me and pushed my credit card back across the counter "well he's lucky to have such a good friend,"

 

Yeah, so lucky to have an arguably depressed, past suicidal, too skinny/not skinny enough friend. He wasn't the lucky one.

 

"Yeah, I guess so. Have a nice day." I said as I took the bag and card and walked out of the store.

 

"You too, come again any time."

 

 

I got back home after dropping the flowers off at the office and checked the time. I needed to start cooking dinner if we didn't want to be eating too late.

 

Ian came home just as I was putting a pan of sweet potatoes into the oven.

 

"Hey, Ian!" I called as I heard the door open.

 

"Hey," he replied as he walked into the kitchen.

 

"How's Olivia?" I turned to face him and he smiled "she's good, how was sitting and doing nothing?"

 

I chuckled and rolled my eyes "hey, I didn't do nothing! I went into the office!" I retorted as we walked into the living room.

 

I felt bad asking but I couldn't do his paperwork forever "speaking of the office, can you come in tomorrow?"

 

We sat down on the couch and nodded "yeah, sure."

 

Thank god, I'd feel absolutely horrible if he didn't feel up to it and I made him feel like he had to.

 

"And I did your paperwork so I expect one hell of a thank you." He laughed and rolled his gorgeous eyes "isn't my company reward enough?"

 

I punched him playfully and moved closer to him. "I accept cash or smoothies as thanks."

 

I didn't know where that came from but smoothies actually sounded really good.

 

"Smoothies? Really?"

 

I shrugged "I'm craving smoothies,"

 

He ruffled my hair so it fell into my eyes and grinned at me "there's a smoothie place five minutes from here, want to go before dinner's ready?"

 

I stood up, suddenly realizing how hungry I was "fuck yes, dinner will be another twenty minutes anyways."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this one was short too but i couldn't make it any longer without it being too boring. Please keep leaving feedback because I love it so much. 
> 
> I'm really curious, have any of you listened to the playlist? If you have, if love to hear what you think of it.


	15. Life's Chances That Are Taken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smoothies, singing, and office scananigans.

Ian's POV:

We took my car and I remembered my fucking car radio was broken, I didn't want to risk sitting in awkward silence the whole drive, even though it was only five minutes, so I handed him my phone.He looked at me, confused, but took it. I realized I hadn't told him why I was giving him my phone.

"My radio's broken, turn on Spotify,"

He nodded in understanding and looked down at my phone.

"Aww," he cooed as he looked at my lock screen. Fuck, I forgot that I changed it to a picture of him. It was one off Instagram, not like I took it without him noticing or something stalkery like that but still. He chuckled and looked over at me "I'm your lock screen!"

I blushed and kept my eyes on the road "just turn on the music, okay?"

He poked my stomach playfully and unlocked my phone, fortunately I remembered to check that there was nothing embarrassing that he could easily find on my phone. He put my Spotify on shuffle and plugged it into the speakers. It loaded for a few seconds before I recognized the first notes of Troye Sivan's song Touch.

_Glow is low and its dimming, and the silence is ringing..._

He turned up the volume and grinned at me "this is seriously the best song to blare in the car."

_I can almost feel your breath, I can almost feel the rest..._

I nodded and couldn't even hear myself humming along over the pounding bass. I heard Anthony's voice singing along as the chorus played.

"Standing in the eye of the storm, my eyes start to roam from the curl of your lips in the center of eclipse..."

I listened to the gentle rhythm of his voice for a few seconds before joining in.

"And I need you to trust that I'm lost and we must get past all these rules, we must choose to reach out and touch..."

We must have looked like idiots, sitting at a red light on a quiet street and blaring music. We got a few angry looks from people around us but, fuck it, I was with my best friend. I met his eyes just before the final chorus started.

"Standing in the eye of the storm, my eyes start to roam to the curl of your lips in the center of eclipse, in total darkness I reach, I reach out and touch..."

The final note played just as we pulled into the parking lot of the smoothie place. His eyes were still locked on mine, a bright smile on his face.

I beamed back at him and got out of the car. He followed me and we walked in together. I was about to walk up to order but he put his hand on my shoulder and stopped me.

"I'll order for you, just wait here." I shrugged and walked over to one of the armchairs to wait for him. He came back a few minutes later with two styrofoam cups.

"Ready?" I nodded and stood, he handed one of the cups to me. I took a sip and felt a little relived it wasn't celery-kale flavored or anything, Anthony had been nice and gotten me strawberry-banana which was arguably the best smoothie flavor in existence. We both got into the car and he turned Spotify on again. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol came on as we started driving back.

Neither of us sang along this time but instead sat in comfortable silence.

_If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know, how to say, how I feel..._

You know how a song sometimes just describes exactly how you're feeling? Yeah.

_All that I am, all that I ever was is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see..._

 

We got back to the apartment and Anthony checked dinner quickly before coming back out to meet me "it'll be another five minutes before it's ready,"

I nodded and sat down at the table "okay, that's fine."

He handed me a plate of baked vegetables and sat next to me "before you start complaining about the vegetables there's desert too"

I grinned at him and started to eat "I'm not complaining," he kicked me under the table playfully "yeah, whatever."

"So what did you and Olivia do?"

I shrugged and kept my eyes on my plate "just watched a movie and talked, not much." That wasn't a lie, we did watch a movie and we also talked. As long as he didn't ask what we talked about.

"And how was the office?" I asked.

He groaned "boring," his lips curled into a smile "plus there's no one there to throw things at."

I rolled my eyes, when Anthony would get bored in the office he tended to throw random things from his desk at me. If been pelted by more pens, crumbled papers, rolls of tape, and notepads than I could count.

"I haven't missed the constant abuse you give me."

He kicked me gently "just be happy I only do it at the office."

"I swear to god if you throw a motherfucking fork at me I'll kill you."

He smirked. I don't think words can describe how attractive he looked when he smirked. He tilted his head slightly and curled one side of his mouth into a half-smile and raised on eyebrow. I looked back down at the table and said nothing.

"Calm down, I won't,"

I finished dinner and stood "I appreciate it, you truly are an angel."

He walked after me and we put our plates into the sink. He looked at his phone "it's getting kind of late, we should start thinking about sleep, especially since we have shit to do tomorrow. If you want you can help yourself to the ice cream in the freezer."

I nodded even though I really wanted to stay up with him longer, maybe even find an excuse to fall asleep in his arms...

"Yeah, okay, that's probably a good idea. We can split the ice cream tomorrow."

It was another twenty minutes of cleaning up random things just to procrastinate telling him goodbye. He was replying some emails before bed and I hoped he would ask me to stay with him. He didn't.

I eventually gave up and and we said goodnight to each other and I sat down on my bed. I really wasn't tired, I usually didn't go to bed for at least another few hours. I pulled out my phone and opened youtube, deciding to rewatch old Smosh is Bored videos. I played the first whisper challenge and smiled. It was easier back then, back before I fell in love with my best friend, or at least before I knew it. I wished more than anything that I didn't love him but I did and there was nothing I could do about it. I wouldn't be surprised if I never stopped loving him, I might never fall in love with anyone else. I'd probably die alone, great.

 

I don't know when I fell asleep but I woke up with my phone laying on my chest and my headphones still in. I sat up slowly and rubbed my eyes. I could hear Anthony doing stuff outside my room and knew I should get up. I stood up and and got changed into jeans and a tshirt before walking out.

Anthony was in the kitchen cleaning dishes from making breakfast and smiled as I walked out.

"Hey, sleep well?" He asked.

I hopped up onto the counter and shrugged "okay, I guess."

"Could be worse, then. There are muffins on the table if you're hungry."

I didn't move, not feeling like eating alone.

"Have you eaten yet?"

I shook his head and dried his hands on his pants. "Not yet, I was waiting for you."

 

Anthony didn't eat much but I didn't say anything, it was probably just because he'd been cooking and around food all morning. He grabbed his work bag and handed mine to me. I thanked him and followed him out to his car.

We talked a bit in the car but Anthony mainly focused on driving and my phone was very distracting.

We exchanged a few short conversations before arriving at the office. As soon as I walked in I was swarmed by people welcoming me back. I lost Anthony in the crowd of people and started feeling a little claustrophobic.

"Hey, guys, give him a little air." Lasercorn said. People started to back up and I smiled at the orange-haired man.

I have some work to get done but you can always drop by Anthony and I's office of you want to say hi."

Lasercorn walked with me to my office and chuckled "you looked like you needed a little help."

I nodded and rolled my eyes "I talk about the fangirls scaring me but really it's the lighting technicians and prop managers I need to worry about."

He laughed as we got to the familiar office door "I've missed your jokes, dude, guess I'll see you around?"

I nodded and opened the door "yeah, definitely,"

We waved goodbye before I closed the door behind me and groaned. Anthony turned away from his computer to look at me and grinned.

"You escaped?" I rolled my eyes "Lasercorn had to help me and I still almost died." He smiled and turned back to his work. I looked at my desk and, as I expected, there were several bouquets of flowers. They were all pretty generic roses and irises. One bouquet caught my eye, dark green stems lead up to white flowers with pastel blue-tipped petals. I would never tell anyone but I really liked flowers. Not like I was going to start collecting flower crowns any time soon, I just thought they were really pretty. I could feel Anthony's eyes on me as I walked over and smiled when I looked at the tag.

_Hey, Ian. Everyone else was doing this and I felt bad. I know I already got you flowers but now you have more. Anyway, I don't really know what to write and I could either be really funny and lame or deep and heartfelt. I guess I'm just writing whatever comes to mind at this point. Sorry this is going on forever but I don't know where it should end, that's the hard part of writing. Writing something meaningful isn't like a comedy script; a script you can end with a joke but with this you need to end with the most meaningful part of the letter. I guess what I'm trying to say is you mean a lot to me, you're my best friend and I love you so much. I don't tell you that enough but you've done so much for me and I cant imagine life without you, kitten._

_PS: I know I'm probably sitting right beside you and feeling really awkward so if you could just not bring this whole thing up that'd be great._

 

I was tearing up from reading that. It was stupid but it was Anthony. It wasn't like all the others with "get well soon, we miss you!" written on them. I knew every word on that paper was completely true.

Anthony was sitting at his desk, his eyes on the stack of papers, trying to act natural. I walked over to him and saw him tense up. I through my arms around his shoulders and he jumped.

"Love you too," I knew that he meant as a friend and, obviously, I loved him in that way too. I just loved him in more ways then that. He sighed and leaned his head back against my shoulder. I smiled and nuzzled his neck gently.

"Did you read the last part?"

I nodded "I'm not bringing it up, I'm just reminding you that I love you too,"

It was a little weird saying that when I actually did love him but I couldn't just stop saying it, he'd think something was wrong. He pushed me off after a few seconds and looked at me. I met his eyes but he looked away.

I took that as my cue to go back to my desk and let him go back to working. I looked through the other cards briefly and none of the others stuck out. They were all sweet but Anthony's was so incredibly perfect.

I wanted to talk to him but he was trying to edit and I knew he needed y to concentrate. I worked on figuring out how we were going to put together the next script. I gave up on working when a pen hit my arm.

"Anthony," I growled "throw another pen at me and-"

Another pen hit me and I turned around. "Not funny!" I shouted and tried to keep a straight face but couldn't hold back a laugh. That only encouraged him and he through a crumpled sticky note at me.

"Okay, okay, stop. You're cleaning this stuff up."

He ignored me and scanned his desk to more projectiles "just don't throw the fucking stapler."

He tossed a highlighter at me and I grabbed the stapler off my desk. I held it up jokingly "I swear to god, Anthony!"

He just laughed and held his hands up in surrender "fine, you're no fun."

I threw the highlighter back at him and stood up "I fun now, fucker?"

He rubbed his arm where the highlighter hit and stood up as well and picked up a roll of scotch tape.

I smirked at him, daring him to throw it. He did and I bolted out the door. He grabbed a handful of pens and chased after me. I ran down the hall and for a few seconds and felt him hit me with a few pens. He grabbed the back of my t-shirt and pushed me against the wall. I tried to kick him away but just ended up with my legs around his waist. I gave up and grinned at him.

"Um, guys?" Wes asked from behind a camera, the rest of the Smosh Games crew standing around him. I blushed but couldn't pull away because Anthony still had me pressed against the wall.

"He started it!" Anthony said before pulling away and letting me stand on my own feet again.

"I did not! I was calmly working before you attacked me!"

He rolled his eyes "whatever, details aren't important. Anyway, what are you guys up to?"

"Well we were filming a bonus video where we dare Flitz and Mari to have a gummy bear eating contest but I think this might get more views"

I groaned and Anthony just chuckled "if you call it 'Anthony Pins Ian Against a Wall' it might just be your most watched video."

I took a few steps back, not feeling comfortable at all. I should have been fine but Anthony had been really close. I could still feel my legs around his waist and my crotch pressed to his lower stomach, fuck, this was not the time to be thinking about that. I bit my lip and disappeared back into our office. Not being near Anthony helped me forget about it and I started working again. Anthony didn't come back for a few minutes and it gave me some time to clear my head.

When he did come back he didn't say anything, probably not wanting to interrupt my work. We worked silently for almost an hour. I wanted to say something but he had headphones in, a signal we both understood as 'don't talk to me, I'm not in the mood.'

I didn't mind that much, after all, he was trying to work. It wasn't like I had anything to talk to him about anyway and didn't want to bother him so I focused on work. I was getting really frustrated though, work was going slower then usual and I was barely half way through what I needed to get done today. I knew that no one would be mad if I didn't finish right on time today but I would be mad at myself. I felt like I was always letting people down and I hated it. I knew I wasn't but I couldn't help it, call it a character flaw.

Whatever the case, it didn't help me work any faster. I decided that I wouldn't be able to work if I was stressed so I started scrolling through Twitter. Nothing was going on so I switched to looking through the tweets I was tagged in. There were mainly things about liking a video and other normal things but a noticed a few Ianthony posts. I admit, most of the headcanons were pretty cute. I wanted to read more but I noticed Anthony packing up out of the corner of my eye.

I locked my phone and turned to him "leaving?"

He nodded "yeah, if you're not done yet I can come pick you up in an hour or so."

I closed my laptop "no, I'm done, just give me a second to pack up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is technically an hour late so sorry, I might have forgotten to post... Thank you for reading anyway! 
> 
> If any have you have listened to the playlist and want to leave feedback I'd love it.


	16. Cold as Ice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Singing suggestive songs with your (boy)friend is fun, ice is not a good thing, and pens are weapons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: self-harm (kind of) and suicide mentions

Anthony's POV:

We got into Ian's car and he handed me his phone. I took it despite not knowing why.

"My radio's broken, turn on Spotify." He said.

I nodded and unlocked his phone. I was a little surprised when I saw a picture of me as the lock screen. It wasn't like it was weird but Ian hadn't changed his wallpaper in almost a year.

"Aww, I'm your lock screen!" He didn't seem to care, it probably didn't mean much then.

"Just turn on the music, okay?" I poked his stomach and and unlocked his phone. I hit shuffle on Spotify and the first song that came on was Therapy by All Time Low. I immediately skipped it, that song was a little too personal for me. The next song was Touch by Troye Sivan. I couldn't help but turn up the volume, this song was one of the best songs to play while driving.

"This is seriously the best song to blare in the car." He nodded but didn't say anything.

_I can almost feel your breath, I can almost feel the rest..._

The catchy beat and rhythm got into my head and I ended up singing along quietly. I didn't notice that my voice was growing louder until Ian started singing along.

"And I need you to trust that I'm lost and we must get past all these rules, we must choose to reach out and touch..."

I really liked the way our voices mixed. Neither of us were professional singers by any means but the way his low voice met mine sounded pretty good.

"Standing in the eye of the storm, my eyes start to roam to the curl of your lips in the center of eclipse, in total darkness I reach, I reach out and touch..."

We smiled at each other as the song ended. He pulled into the parking lot and parked. We got out and walked in together.

I knew that this all should have been a happy moment but somehow it only made me feel worse in the aftermath. I had really been having fun in the car but, like every other happy moment, it ended quickly. I needed a little time to think, even if it was only a minute.

"I'll order for you, just wait here."

He shrugged and I walked over to the counter. There were a few people in line which gave me some time to think, I wasn't sure if that was a good or bad thing. It was stupid that even being happy made me sad, I guess that could be blamed on the depression. I had been diagnosed with depression in high school but stopped taking medication for it a while ago. I wasn't sick, I was just hopeless.

I ordered for both of us and, fortunately, they were ready quickly; I really didn't need to think any longer. I walked back to Ian and faked a smile as I handed him his smoothie.

"Ready?" I asked. He nodded and walked back out with me. I wanted to say something but I wasn't sure what to say.

I figured that maybe music would help break the silence. I turned on Spotify again and Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol came on. It wasn't a good song so blare so I tuned it down. I hoped he would say something but he didn't. I just looked out the window and tried to keep myself from thinking. I failed. I couldn't keep my mind from wandering to very dark places. I balled my hand into a fist and gripped my seatbelt as the memories of cutting open my skin drifted into my brain. I tried to push them back but I could almost feel the sting on my wrists. I looked over at Ian and wanted desperately for him to say something but it was obvious he didn't want to talk to me. I needed him to take my mind off everything but I wasn't going to bother him when he was clearly trying to think. I bit my lip and looked back out the window. I looked up at one of the skyscrapers in the distance. It would be so easy. Just jump and then everything would just go away. But it wasn't that easy. The fans wouldn't understand, everyone at Smosh would be upset, and Ian would blame himself. I didn't want that. I knew I would never try to kill myself again but the thought was still there.

Ian put his hand on my shoulder once we parked and I could feel myself calming down, Ian had that effect on me. He didn't say anything as we walked back up to the apartment but every couple steps his shoulder would brush mine just enough to remind me he was there. Once we walked in I checked on dinner and saw that it was almost done, I wasn't hungry but I could at least force myself to eat a few bites. If the discomfort was too bad I could always make myself throw up.

"It'll be another five minutes before it's ready," I said.

"Okay, that's fine." I waited a few minutes before taking dinner out of the oven and serving it into two plates, giving him a considerable larger amount. I walked out of the kitchen and saw him already sitting down at the table. I handed him his plate and sat next to him.

"Before you start complaining about the vegetables there's desert too,"

"I'm not complaining," he mumbled in between bites of food. I nudged his leg with my foot "yeah, whatever."

He didn't say anything and I immediately felt myself start to feel alone again.

"So what did you and Olivia do?" I said, half out of curiosity and half to just hear his voice again.

"Just watched a movie and talked, not much." I got the feeling he didn't want to talk to me, not surprising, I wouldn't want to talk to me either. I went back to picking at my food. I managed to swallow a few bites before my stomach started hurting.

"And how was the office?" He asked after a few minutes. Maybe he did want to talk to me.

"Boring," I looked up and saw that he was smiling. I felt my spirits lift slightly and a smiled back weakly. "Plus there's no one to throw things at."

He rolled his eyes "I haven't missed the constant abuse you give me."

I kicked him gently and grinned. "Just be happy I only do it at the office."

He glanced down at the fork in my hand "I swear to god if you throw a motherfucking fork at me I'll kill you." I felt so much better, I couldn't believe how amazing Ian was.

"Calm down, I won't." He stood up "I appreciate it, you truly are an angel." I rolled my eyes and followed him into the kitchen. I hadn't eaten much but he apparently didn't notice, or at least said nothing.

I checked my phone and saw that it was almost 10:00. "It's getting kind of late, we should start thinking about sleep, especially since we have shit to do tomorrow. Help yourself to the ice cream in the freezer if you want."

He nodded and yawned "yeah, okay, that's probably a good idea. We can split the ice cream tomorrow." I nodded even though I doubted that would happen.

"I've got some work to do but you go ahead and go to sleep." I said as I sat on the couch and pulled out my laptop.

"I'll just get some stuff cleaned up and then I'll go to bed." He said as he picked up some dishes and trash from around the living room. I shrugged, he didn't really need to do that but I wasn't going to argue, less for me to do later.

I made sure that he couldn't see my computer screen before opening Google and typing: Self Help.

I scrolled through links for a few seconds before seeing what I was looking for.

_Self-Help: Self-Harm Alternatives_

I clicked the link and scrolled through a list of suggestions and trying to figure out which ones wouldn't leave any evidence that anyone could see. I settled on ice, it was supposed to cause a similar kind of relief as cutting but without the lasting side effects or risks.

As soon as Ian went to bed I walked to the freezer and pulled out an ice cube. I held it to the skin of my wrist and the urge to cut myself was immediately easier to ignore. It didn't feel nearly as good as cutting but it was the close and that was good enough. I leaned back against the counter and closed my eyes, pressing the ice harder into my skin. I slowly felt myself becoming more and more calm as the cold sting from the ice took over my mind. The ice fully melted after a few minutes and I waited for a few minutes to see what my mind did.

For once, I felt truly calm without Ian there. I guess it wasn't the only time that I felt calm without him but it was the fastest I'd ever been able to calm myself down. I quickly cleaned the melted ice off the floor and walked into my room.

I changed quickly into sweatpants and a t-shirt, careful not to look at my reflection. I laid down and rubbed my wrist absentmindedly. I knew that the ice might not be great for me but it was better then risking breaking down and cutting myself again. If that happened I wasn't sure I'd be able to stop.

 

I woke up the next morning and rubbed my eyes. I noticed that my wrist was a little red but besides that it looked fine. I changed into jeans and a clean shirt and also threw on a jacket just in case anyone saw the red marks on my wrist.

Ian wasn't awake yet so I started on breakfast. There was enough stuff to make muffins and I figured that since Ian was going back to work today he deserved a good breakfast.

 

He trudged out of his room not long after the muffins were ready. I smiled at him and put down the dish I was washing.

"Sleep well?" He sat on the counter and yawned "okay, I guess,"

"Could be worse, then. There are muffins on the table if you're hungry."

"Have you eaten yet?" I could lie. I could say yes and get away with skipping breakfast. I could skip a whole meal and not have to worry about anyone noticing.

"Not yet," I said after a few seconds "I was waiting for you."

I wasn't sure if saying that made me weak or strong.

 

I only ate one even though they were pretty small. I could tell Ian noticed but said nothing, I'd have to remember to eat a big lunch to make him forget about it, I'd end up throwing up afterwards but at least Ian would feel better.

 

I tried to talk to Ian but he was more interested in his phone. I didn't mind, we all have those days. Ian was swarmed by people as soon as we walked in.

I felt bad but my anxiety wasn't up for being surrounded by people so I just slipped away to our office. I could still hear people outside but it was much quieter in the office which was a relief. I sat down at my desk and closed my eyes, letting myself calm down. The door opened behind me a few minutes later, I was relieved to see that it was just Ian who walked in.

"You escaped?" I asked and spun my chair to face him. "Lasercorn had to help me and I still almost died."

I watched his eyes travel over to his desk and bit my lip. I knew that nothing I wrote for Ian could give away anything I didn't want him to know but still, it was pretty honest.

He walked over and immediately looked at the card I had written. I tried not to notice the way that tears were forming in his eyes and he kept wiping his eyes to keep them from falling. I looked down at my desk to avoid meeting his eyes. I heard him walking over to me and tensed.

Please don't say anything, please don't say anything.

He hugged me tightly and nuzzled my neck. I relaxed and felt him tighten his arms around my shoulders. I leaned back against him and smiled. "Love you too," he mumbled.

"Did you read the last part?" I asked softly, referring to the part that specifically said not to talk about it.

"I'm not bringing it up, I'm just reminding you that I love you too,"

After a few seconds of comfortable silence I shrugged him off. We locked eyes but I looked away. He smiled sweetly before going back to his desk and clearing some space to work. We both worked for a while before I got writer's block. This script was going nowhere and it was pretty clear Ian wasn't getting much done either.

I flicked my pen at him and it hit his arm. "Anthony," he said without looking at me "throw another pen at me and-"

I tossed another pen at him and chuckled when he turned around, trying not to laugh "not funny!"

I crumbled up a sticky note and tossed that at him too. "Okay, okay, stop. You're cleaning this stuff up." I looked back at my desk for another pen or something to throw.

"Just don't throw the fucking stapler." I threw a highlighter at him and he reached back to grab the stapler off his desk. "I swear to god, Anthony!"

I could tell he was kidding by the way his lips twitched, trying not to smile. I gave up anyway, if I pissed him off too bad he might just bash my skull in with the stapler.

"Fine, you're no fun." I looked back at my desk, expecting him to go back to working. I jumped slightly when a highlighter hit my arm.I turned back around to see him standing up.

"I fun now, fucker?" I stood up and grabbed a roll of tape off my desk. He smirked and I threw it at him. It hit his shoulder and he sped out of the room. I grabbed a few pens and chased after him.

I managed to hit him with about half the pens I threw at him. I paused for a second to chose which hallway to turn down which gave me time to catch up to him. I reached out and grabbed the back over his t-shirt, our momentum spinning him so his back was to the wall. I took that opportunity to push him back against the wall so he couldn't pull away. He kicked out at me a few times but eventually gave up and wrapped his legs around my hips.

He wasn't hard to hold up, especially since I had eaten this morning and part of his weight was on the wall.

"Um, guys?" Wes' voice said from further down the hallway. He was standing with a camera, the rest of smosh games around him. Flitz and Mari were sitting in bean-bag chairs with two bags of gummy bears between them.

I blushed when I realized that I had Ian pressed against a wall with no explanation.

"He started it!" I said, like that explained everything.

"I did not!" He argued "I was working calmly before you attacked me!" "Whatever, details aren't important."

I set Ian down carefully so as not to drop him "anyway, what are you guys up to?"

"Well we were filming a bonus video where we dare Flitz and Mari to have a gummy bear eating contest but I think this might get more views."

I chuckled "if you call it 'Anthony pins Ian against the wall' it might just be your most watched video."

 

I didn't notice Ian leave until he was already gone. I didn't feel like going back to work so I stayed talking to the game crew for a while and watched them finish their gummy bear contest.

Ian and I worked uneventfully for another hour before I got through the script I was drafting. I packed up my stuff without thinking, I wasn't used to having to wait for Ian. He looked up from his desk

"Leaving?"

"Yeah," I said "if you're not done et I can pick you up in an hour or so."

"No, I'm done, just give me a second to pack up."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ugh, just get together already! Thank you guys for reading, it means a lot. Please don't be shy to leave feedback in the comments or on tumblr because it is so great to hear. I've gotten a few headcanons and prompts and they are all super helpful so if you want to leave some ideas for future chapters I's love to hear them.
> 
> See you next week!


	17. Chemicals Collide

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I suck at summaries, just read it please.

Ian's POV:  
"Anthony!" I screeched from the bathroom. The was backed up in the corner eyeing the spider in the sink fearfully. He ran in looking concerned and followed my gaze to the sink.

"Really, Ian? Can't you deal without it yourself?" 

I shook my head and kept my eyes on the arachnid. He sighed and walked out, for a second I was scared he was leaving but he came back with a cup and a piece of paper. He captured the spider and carried it over to the window and let it go on the fire escape. 

"Do you have arachnophobia?" He asked once it was gone and the window was closed.

"No, I just don't like them." I replied. I wasn't scared of them, I just didn't like that way they moved or looked, they're creepy.

"Whatever, you're such a wimp."

I bit my lip and looked away. I hated how easily I got scared over stupid things.

I didn't notice him walking over to me until he hugged me "Ian, I was just kidding, I'm sorry."

I sighed and hugged him back "I know just... Kind of gets annoying."

He kissed my hair and I could feel my face heating up.

"Tell me if something isn't okay, I never mean to hurt you I just don't always know when stuff's too far."

I nodded and pulled away, not wanting to stay so close to him with the whole wanting to fuck him thing. "I will, sometimes I just don't... Whatever, I will."

He smiled and messed up my hair "k, just maybe don't scream. I assumed you were dying."

I rolled my eyes "oh come on, I'm not that clumsy!"

"That could be argued,"

I punched his arm "shut up, I'm as graceful as a gazelle."

He scoffed and walked over to the sink to wash off the cup he used to catch the spider. I didn't have anything else to do so I followed him. 

"Want to do something?" I asked.

He shrugged "I guess, what do you want to do?"

"Maybe a go out for lunch?"

"Yeah okay, you can pick where."

 

We went to one of the little vegan cafe's that LA is full of. There were only a few people there when we got there and we sat down by a window. Anthony sat across from me and looked over the menus.

Vegan food was weird. How do you substitute some things? Like how do have milkshakes without dairy? Sometimes it's best to not ask because the answer might be something like kale and rutabaga paste. 

I looked up when the bell over the door rang. Youtuber, Joey Graceffa, walked in and waved at us. We didn't talk much in person but we knew him from Twitter and also talked during Vidcon and Playlist. He waved and walked over to us.

"Hey!" He greeted cheerfully.

We greeted him and he pulled up a chair "so what are you guys up to?"

"Not much, just getting lunch." Anthony answered.

"Mind if I eat with you?" 

"Of course not, it's been too long." I said.

He nodded in agreement and picked up a menus "have you been here before?" We shook our heads.

"Oh my god," he exclaimed "it's amazing,"

Anthony chuckled "so what do you recommend, mister expert?"

He put down his menus "well for starters you have to get the buffalo cauliflower."

"Buffalo cauliflower?" I asked. I knew vegan food was pretty good but that did not sound like something that could be appetizing.

"It's like buffalo wings, but vegan." Anthony answered.

 

I decided to trust Joey and we order that as an appetizer. Anthony got chili, I got mac and cheese, and Joey got stuffed peppers. The cauliflower wasn't as good as normal chicken wings but they weren't bad either. We talked for a while about youtube and work for a while before Anthony changed the subject.

"I'm just curious but what's it like being out as gay on youtube?"

Obviously Anthony was only asking out of curiosity, he was totally straight.

"It's pretty normal really. I mean, at first it was like all that people cared about but now people just accept it. No one really talks about it all that much, it's just something about me, you know?"

He nodded "must have been hard, especially since you had been on youtube for so long before you came out."

Joey shrugged "it was at first but people understood, I needed to be comfortable with it before I let everyone know."

Anthony tapped his fork absentmindedly "yeah, that makes sense."

"Why do you ask?"

"I'm just curious, not something I've ever had to deal with and I've never been really close with anyone who has."

Yeah, all of his close friends were straight as far as he knew, and that's how it would stay.

"So, um, how's the crystal collection?" I interjected. I wasn't really in the mood for talking about how amazing it feels to be honest with people and how much better life is once you come out. I knew it was a stupid and rude thing to do but I couldn't take it.

Joey didn't seem to mind and his face lit up "oh my god I just got more yesterday and they're gorgeous! I got this amber that brings romance and a tiger's eye that decreases anxiety! I love them so much!"

Neither Anthony or I knew the first thing about crystals but from the way Joey talked about them, they sounded pretty cool.

"How many do you have now?" Anthony asked, clearly not upset by the topic change.

"A lot. I don't know exact number but maybe sometime you should come over and we could do a collab, you could see them all then."

 

We talked and ate for another hour before we decided that we all had to go. We promised to talk to Joey more often and left. We talked about nothing in particular on the drive home and listened to the radio.

"So what do you want to do now?" I asked once we got back home.

"I don't know, I'm just going to get some rest, okay?" 

"Okay," I said, a little disappointed "go ahead,"

He gave me a thankful smile and went into his room, half-closing the door. I sat down on the couch and looked up at the ceiling. I could hear the sound of Anthony jumping onto his bed and I pulled out my phone. I checked Twitter -nothing important going on- and then looked through my emails. I really should answer some of them but I didn't feel like being productive. I looked through the folder of shitty games on my phone before just giving up and locking my phone. I got up and looked over at Anthony's room. He hadn't closed the door so he probably wasn't trying to be alone. I knocked softly on his door and heard a muffled reply. I took it as a 'come in' and opened his door the rest of the way and saw Anthony laying face-down on his bed. I jumped onto the bed next to him and he made a surprised yelp when it sprigged him up as well. He rolled over so he was on his back and looked up at me.

"Hi, Ian,"

I laughed and bounced on my knees and he grumbled some sort of complaint. I ignored his protests and stood up shakily, I almost fell over a few times but I caught my balance and jumped, coming very close to landing on his stomach. He rolled away and laughed, sitting up. I tried to pull him up with me but I lost my balance and fell down next to him. I was half on top of him and he pushed me off. He stood up and grabbed my hand, pulling me up with him. I almost knocked us over again but I managed to stay upright. I was still catching my balance when he hit me with a pillow. I made an 'oof' sound and fell back. He grinned down at me and put the pillow on my head in triumph. 

He sat down next to me "Hi, Ian," he giggled.

I pushed the pillow off my head and fixed my hair so I could see "hi, asshole,"

He faked an offended tone "I thought you loved me, kitten, how could you hurt me like this?"

I rolled my eyes and collapsed back on the bed.

"Shut up," I'm mumbled as he lay down next to me. He put his head on my chest and looked up at me adorably.

"Make me."

If only. If this were a crappy romance novel this would be the part where I kissed him but life isn't that simple. In real life you don't fall in love with people who love you too.

I didn't say anything and he moved off me. He laid down, his head on his pillow, and closed his eyes.

"What are you thinking about?" I asked, proving myself up on one elbow.

"You'd think its stupid..."

"I promise I wouldn't."

He smiled and looked up at the ceiling "Blue from Blue's Clues was a girl, biggest plot twist ever." He stated.

I moved close to him and draped my arm over his flat stomach, it seemed to dip in more than it should but that was just because he was laying on his back. 

I chuckled "dude, what even is your mind?"

He shrugged "who knows?"

"But seriously, and Magenta was a girl too, I shipped two girls at the age of four."

He laughed "love is love, Nickelodeon gets it."

"Yeah really, get your shit together Disney."

He just shook his head and smiled. I looked at him and felt a pull in my stomach. God I loved him, I still couldn't believe that I was this in love with him. 

I sat up, no longer able to stand just how close we were. He closed his eyes and stayed laying down.

"Want me to leave you so you can rest?"

He nodded "just give me like ten minutes,"

 

He came out about twenty minutes later "want to do me a favor?"

"Depends on what it is."

 

He pulled me into the kitchen "well it's cleaning but I'm sure we can find a way to make in amusing."

"I'm sure we can, what are we doing?"

He opened the fridge and gestured to the overflowing shelves of food "we need to find a way to get rid of some of this without just throwing it out."

I got an idea "hold on, let me grab something,"

I got my camera from my room and came back "okay, let's make it a game. We each have to try to make a meal using as many ingredients as we can. Whoever's tastes the best and has the most ingredients wins. If it's funny, which it will be, it can be a Smosh is bored."

"That sounds awesome and disgusting, I'm in."

I turned on the camera and set it on the shelf. After five minutes of explaining what we were doing we each had a collection of random food items and a bowl. 

"And the loser has to eat whatever they made," Anthony added just before I set the timer.

"Okay, you're going down,"

I started the timer before he could say anything and the game was on. We made the mistake of only using really gross ingredients so after five minutes I had a bowl of vinegar, bay leaves, and possibly expired peanut butter. I picked up an unlabeled ziplock bag full of white powder and looked over at Anthony.

"So this could be sugar, baking powder, salt, or cocaine. Any idea which?"

Anthony glanced up from his side of the counter "well I can tell you right now it's not cocaine but besides that I got no clue."

I shrugged, how bad could it be? It wasn't like this concoction could get any worse so what the hell. I poured the bag into the bowl and it immediately started bubbling to the point where it overflowed onto the counter.

"Ian, how the hell?" Anthony asked, doubled over in laughter.

"Um," I said, slightly in shock "pretty sure it was baking soda,"

He caught his breath "holy shit, you're such a loser." He leaned back against the counter "love you though,"

I laughed "want to call it a draw? I get the feeling if we try to eat these we'll die."

He nodded "yeah, we can say you won because yours definitely-" he did that hand-gun thing and smirked "got the best reaction."

 

An hour later Anthony and I were both laying in the kitchen floor, our bodies in opposite directions and our faces almost touching. Anthony laughed and looked at me for no apparent reason.

"The fault in our Smosh." 

What is he on?

"What?"

"The way we're laying, it's like the poster for The Fault in Our Stars, but us."

I rolled my eyes "you're so weird,"

"Am I the guy or the girl? Or I guess top or bottom 'cause we're both guys."

Was that really necessary?

"Keep your fantasies to yourself, dude."

I was really hoping he'd drop it but he couldn't make my like easy. "Aw, c'mon! Humor me!"

"If you're the guy does that mean you die at the end?"

"I guess it does, sucks for me."

I laughed and sat up, leaning back against the counter. 

"Don't go dying, okay?"

He sat up as well "wasn't planning on it."

He groaned and arched his back "fucking hell, when did I get so soar? Am I that old?"

"Need anything?" I asked and stood up, reached my hand out to help him up.

He took it and stood, stretching again. "It's fine, I'm just tense I guess," 

I followed him into the living room and stood behind him when he sat down on the couch.

"What are you doing?" He asked when I put my hands on his shoulders.

"Shut up and relax," he leaned his head back and close his eyes. He didn't protest when I started massaging his shoulders and neck. He didn't move much besides the occasional shift of his weight as he got more relaxed. I moved down lower on his back and applied more pressure. He let out a soft moan that sent far from innocent thoughts through my mind. He blushes and opened his eyes to look at me, I really hoped I wasn't blushing as much as I thought I was.

"Sorry..." He mumbled and I gave what I hoped was a convincing smile "don't worry about it,"

He closed his eyes again and I could tell he was way more relaxed than he had been, something was obviously stressing him but I didn't want to ask and make him uncomfortable.

I stopped after a few minutes and sat next to him. He rested his head on my shoulder and sighed contently.

"Thanks, I needed that,"

His hand was just above my knee and I could feel his breath.

"Yeah, it's nothin'. Don't mention it."

He didn't reply and I closed my eyes, enjoying the peaceful silence.

He curled closer to me and moved his legs on top of mine so he was practically on my lap. I shifted slightly so I was laying back against the arm of the couch. He nuzzled into my shoulder and his hand moved farther up my thigh as he moved. I bit my lip and watched him.

He didn't move again for a while and I started to think he fell asleep until he sat back up and yawned.

"I'm going to make some coffee, do you want any?" He asked as he stood up.

"If you're making some then sure,"

He walked off into the kitchen and I decided not to follow him, instead I turned on the TV and flipped through channels. Anthony came back with two mugs of coffee before I found anything and I gave up. 

I thanked him and he sat back down, neither of us really talked but I didn't mind, sometimes just his company was enough. 

"I need to talk to Joven about some work stuff," he said after he finished his coffee "just call if you need anything," I nodded and he walked into his room. I didn't see him for another hour.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading and being so supportive, it mean the world. I start school again on Tuesday (kill me) so if updates are a little shorter I'm sorry, im going to try to keep updating regularly but I might end up being a day or so late so I apologize.
> 
> I got some awesome propts this week and I'd love to read more. Pretty much I only know one of the things that will happen in each chapter before I start writing and everything else I just make up as I go so don't feel like it's hard to put your ideas in, it's really helpful actually. 
> 
> Also, I want to add some more YouTubers to the story so if there's any you want to have little cameos just leave them in the comments, I'm only going to do ones that live in LA though so it's more realistic.


	18. Turn off the Noise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony has a realization.

Anthony's POV:  
I couldn't stop thinking about him. Why couldn't I stop thinking about him? The only times I could think of that I'd felt like this were when I was seriously head-over-heels for a girl, or a guy but I'd never dated one long enough to really fall for them. Why was I feeling like this about Ian? He was my best friend, sure, but that was all. Of course I didn't have feelings for him, how could I? I'd known him for years and I'd never even considered dating him, well once but that was years ago and it was never anything serious. 

My thoughts were interrupted by a loud scream. I jumped up and and through the bathroom door open, praying that it was nothing serious. My mind was put at ease when I saw Ian, unharmed besides scared, standing in the corner. I looked to where he was looking and saw a spider in the bathroom sink. 

"Really, Ian? Can't you deal with it yourself?" Shit, that came out harsher than I meant it to.

He shook his head and whimpered softly. Was he really that scared? I sighed to myself, I was so insensitive, and grabbed a cup and sheet of paper from the kitchen. Ian looked a little relieved once the spider was captured inside the cup but didn't really relax until it was outside. 

I felt horrible, he was obviously scared of spiders and probably self-conscious about it. He was the same way with his fear of thunder. 

"Do you have arachnophobia?"

He shook his head "no, I just don't like them," I was about to mention that he seemed really scared but I stopped myself.

"Whatever," I should have shut my fucking mouth "you're such a wimp."

Fuck. Could I be any worse of a person?

He looked at the floor and shuffled his feet uneasily.

I hugged him tightly and felt him relax "Ian, I was just kidding, I'm sorry,"

He hugged me back and sighed "I know just... Kind of gets annoying."

I kissed his hair without thinking, what was that? I wasn't a platonic, physical affection kind of guy. "Tell me if something isn't okay. I never mean to hurt you I just don't always know when stuff is too far."

He pulled away and I realized that the hug lasted far longer than it should have.

"I know just kind of gets annoying," well he puts up with me so he's used to annoying "whatever, I will."

We were still almost touching and I ruffled his hair, I knew it calmed him down. He pretended that he hated it but it had always been how I comforted him. If someone bullied him when we were in school we'd sit in the bathroom and he'd cry, for some reason I always stroked his hair and it always helped. It was just second nature to touch his hair to remind him I was still there for him now.

"K, just maybe don't scream. I assumed you were dying."

He rolled his eyes and grinned, I could tell he had forgotten about being upset "oh come on, I'm not that clumsy!"

"That could be argued," I retorted jokingly.

He punched my arm and laughed "shut up! I'm as graceful as a gazelle!"

I walked into the kitchen and Ian followed "want to do something?"

I put down the cup and turned to face him "I guess, what do you want to do?"

He thought for a second "maybe go out for lunch?" I was actually hungry today, thank god.

"Yeah okay," I wanted to make sure that I one hundred percent made up for being so incentive earlier "you can pick where."

"Awesome, want to just find some vegan place?"

"Sure, let's go."

 

The doorbell ring behind me to signal that someone else had walked into the cafe we chose for lunch. 

"Hey!" Said the familiar voice of Joey Graceffa. I turned and smiled at him as he walked over to our table. He pulled up a chair and grinned at us, vlogging camera in hand. "So what are you guys up to?"

"Not much," I answered honestly, Ian and I weren't having a conversation and it was starting to bother me "just getting lunch."

His eyes lit up "can I eat with you?"

"Of course, it's been too long," Ian chimed in. It had been too long. I hadn't had a real conversation with Joey since he came out as gay and I kind of wanted to. Both he and Shane Dawson had come out after being on YouTube for years and I was curious how they felt about it. If admit, part of me wanted to come out as bisexual but I still wasn't comfortable with it, I never would be. After years of being told I was wrong it had actually broken me, I wasn't going to ever be able to fix that. 

I was about to bring it up but Joey cut me off "have you ever been here before?"

We shook our heads "oh my god, it's amazing."

I couldn't help but smile at his bubbly personality and contagious happiness. He turned off the camera and I was relieved, as much as I liked being honest with people if I was going to ask him about coming out I didn't want the world to hear and take it the wrong way. 

 

There was a break in our conversation about youtube and I decided that this was as good a time as ever to bring it up "I'm just curious but what's it like being out as gay on YouTube?"

I prepared myself for the faces of shock and conversation but Ian didn't look up from his food and Joey seemed happy to talk about it.

"It's pretty normal really. I mean, at first it was all people cared about but now people just accept it. No one really talks about it all that much, it's just something about me, you know?"

I nodded slowly "it must have been hard, especially since you had been on YouTube for so long before you came out."

I hoped he didn't take that offensively but he just shrugged "it was at first but people understood, I needed to be comfortable with it before I let everyone know."

Then he asked the question I was praying he didn't ask "why do you ask?"

I felt bad for lying but I couldn't be honest either "just curious, not something I've ever had to deal with and I've never been really close to anyone who has."

He seemed to fall for it and just nodded understandingly. I wasn't sure what else to say so I was glad when Ian brought up Joey's crystal collection. 

The conversations turned far more casual and comfortable after that and we talked for almost an hour. 

 

I was walking towards my room for some peace when Ian stopped me. I prayed silently that he would just let me be alone, I wasn't sure what I needed to think about but I just needed to think. 

"So what do you want to do now?"

I hoped he wouldn't be upset "I don't know, I'm just going to get some rest now."

He actually left me alone for a while, although he did interrupt me for a few minutes to attack me with a pillow.

I got about a half hour of rest overall before I came back out. He was sitting on the couch with his phone in his hands though he didn't seem to interested in what was on the screen. 

"Want to do me a favor?" I asked him, I had been putting off cleaning my kitchen for a few weeks but I knew it wouldn't be nearly as bad if Ian was there. 

"Depends on what it is," I figured he wouldn't say no, for some reason he seemed to genuinely like my company. I took his hand and felt my heart skip a beat when our fingers touched, what the hell? Since when does that happen?

I ignored it and lead him into my kitchen "well it's cleaning but I'm sure we can find a way to make it amusing."

He laughed in a way that made the corner of his eyes wrinkle slightly and make him look even better than usual, brain, what the fuck are you doing?

"I'm sure we can, what are we doing?"

I opened the fridge and looked at the extremely full shelves of food. "We need to find a way to get rid of some of this food without just throwing it out."

I knew it would end up thrown up because we were idiots with no idea what we were doing in a kitchen but at least we could try. 

"Hold on," he said, trotting into his bedroom "let me grab something."

He came back out with his camera in his hand "let's make it a game, we each have to make a meal using as many ingredients as we can. Whoever's tastes the best and has the most ingredients wins. If it's good, which it will be, it can be the next Smosh is bored."

I knew this would end horribly but I never could say no to Ian when he looked like that, so happy and excited.

"That sounds awesome and disgusting, I'm in."

 

Everything went as fine as it could have until Ian poured mysterious white power, which we later realized was baking soda, into his bowl, which had vinegar in it. Everyone who graduated second grade science can figure out what happened next. He jumped back from the now-bubbling over bowl and let out a surprised yelp. 

"Ian," I gasped through my laughter "how the hell?"

"Um," he stumbled, still trying to wrap his mind around what had happened "pretty sure it was baking soda."

"Holy shit, you're such a loser," I but my tongue and hoped he didn't take that the wrong way. "Love you though," I added just to try to make sure he didn't get offended at all. He didn't seem to care and just started laughing "want to call it a draw? I get the feeling of we try to eat these we might die."

I nodded "yeah, we can say yours won because yours got the best reaction," horrible pun, I know, but hearing Ian laugh made up for it.

 

An hour later, both of us had collapsed on the kitchen floor and closed our eyes. I looked over at my best friend and saw that he had his body facing the other way but his face was turned towards mine. The pose reminded me of the cliché Fault in our Stars pose and I couldn't help but chuckle softly. He opened his eyes and looked at me quizzically.

"The fault in our Smosh." I stated, because clearly that explained everything.

"What?" He asked. "The way we're laying, it's like the poster for The Fault in Our Stars, but us."

He rolled his eyes "you're so weird."

"Am I the guy or the girl? Or I guess top or bottom 'cause we're both guys." I said without thinking.

What. The. Fuck.

"Keep your fantasies to yourself, dude." I blushed and looked away, since when do I blush when Ian jokes around with me about that stuff?

"Aw, c'mon, humor me." I added, hoping to keep there from being an extremely awkward silence.

"If your the guy does that mean you die at the end?" At least we weren't talking about sex anymore.

"I guess it does, sucks for me." He laughed and sat up, I did the same.

"Don't go dying on me, okay?" He was a little late on that, I'd come close so many times. God, it would have killed him if something happened to me. I hated how much he cared about me, I hated that I cared about him too. I needed him more than I'd ever needed anything else in the world.

"Wasn't planning on it." A jolt of hot pain spread from a point on my upper spine and I groaned, rubbing the soar spot instinctively.

"Fucking hell," I hissed "when did I get so soar? Am I that old?"

"Need anything?" He asked with a concerned look in his eyes. He still up and offered me his hand to help me up. I let him pull me to my feet and I shook my head "it's fine, I'm just tense I guess."

He drifted back into the living room and I sat down on the couch, expecting him to take his usual stop next to me. Instead he shook behind me and put his hands in my shoulders.

"What are you doing?"

"Shut up and relax," he said as he started massaging the tight muscles in my shoulders. I leaned my head back and closed my eyes and let him continue. He kept moving his hands down my back gently but confidently and I let out a soft moan of pleasure when he hit a particularly tense part of my spine. I blushed and opened my eyes, Ian just smiled back at me. "S-sorry..."

He shrugged and didn't stop rubbing his fingers into my skin "don't worry about it,"

I re-closed my eyes but this time was more careful to bite back any noises. He eventually stopped and sat down beside me "thanks," I said, slowly opening my eyes again "I needed that,"

I rested my forehead on his shoulder and curled into his side. "Yeah, it's nothing. Don't mention it."

He cuddled closer to me and snaked his arm around my waist so I pulled my legs into his lap. I could feel myself starting to fall asleep after a few minutes so I stood up, I didn't want to fall sleep on him and leave him not wanting to move and wake me. 

"I'm going to make some coffee, do you want some?"

He nodded and I went into the kitchen to start the coffee machine "f you're making some then sure."

I couldn't put my thoughts into words, the closest one would be: Ian. My brain felt like it was desperately trying to tell me something but I just couldn't figure out what. I poured the coffee into two mugs and brought one to him. 

We didn't talk much but that might have been my fault, I couldn't think of much past the fact that my brain felt like it was on fire. 

"I need to talk to Joven about some work stuff, just call if you need anything." I lied, in all honesty I just needed to be alone and maybe figure out what my brain was doing.

He nodded to let me know he didn't mind and I retreated back into the silence of my bedroom, locking the door behind me. I laid down on my bed and just let my brain run for a while.

About twenty minutes later I felt like someone punched me in the stomach. No. This was not happening. This was not possible. 

I picked up my phone because I needed someone to talk to. I dialed Joven's number and clouted the seconds before he picked up.

"Anthon-" I cut him off "Joven, I need to talk to you. But first you have to promise you will never tell anyone."

I could practically hear his confusion over the line "yeah, I promise, what's going on?"

I took a deep breath and went over how to put my thought into words.

"Joven," I said nervously "I'm in love with Ian."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screaming* my child! He's maturing!
> 
> Sorry, I'm excited. Anyway, I'd love to hear any comments because they always make me so so happy. Also leave kudos is you haven't already because they let me know you like the story. I'll see you all next week!


	19. I'd Give Anything to Know Your Mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony is freaking out after realizing that he's in love with Ian. Ian doesn't know why Anthony is so upset. Even the ducks at the park can't fine peace. But at least Daisy's happy.

Ian's POV:  
"H-hey, Ian." Anthony's voice muttered from my doorway. Was his voice shaking? I sat up on my bed and pulled out my headphones. 

"Anthony, you okay?" He tapped his foot nervously but nodded. "'M fine, just wondering if you wanted me to start dinner."

I closed my laptop and stood up, he still looked uncomfortable but I was pretty sure he wouldn't tell me why. 

"If you want to," I said as I walked over to him "I'm fine with whatever."

He wouldn't meet my eyes "o-okay," he took a step backwards, away from me "I, um, I'm just gonna take a walk, I'll be back soon."

"Can I come? Daisy needs the exercise anyway."

He bit his lip and shuffled his feet "s-sure, I guess," 

I hoped he didn't mind, he sounded like he might but I never could understand Anthony, even after all these years. 

We walked into the living room but his gate was different than usual. His hands were jammed in his pockets instead of by his sides like normal and his head was down. I was getting really worried about him and I wish I knew what was wrong. Something was going on in his life and he was obviously not open to telling me about it. 

Daisy started barking and racing around the apartment as soon as I picked up my running shoes. Anthony stood with his arms crossed and his eyes on the floor as I put on my shoes and grabbed her leash. Once the leash was hooked onto her collar I hesitantly moved to stand next to Anthony. He glanced up at me but looked away quickly.

"Anthony, are you okay?" I asked, knowing the answer I would get.

"Fine..."

I put my hand on his shoulder but he pulled away. I sighed and let my hand drop. I wanted to ask more but thought that maybe if he didn't feel pressured he might open up some. I opened the door and he slipped out, tailed by Daisy who pulled me along with them. She seemed to sense Anthony's discomfort and walked beside him, pressing her side against his leg. We walked along the sidewalk for a few minutes and neither of us said anything, I hated it. I watched as Anthony eventually pulled his hand out of his pocket and petted Daisy who licked his hand affectionately. A flicker of a smile played across his lips and a felt a slight feeling of relief. Maybe it wasn't as bad as I thought. 

I always knew that there were things Anthony didn't tell me. He closed up sometimes and when we were in high school would even disappear for days but he always came back. That's just how Anthony was, he let you in but, like everyone else, he had his baggage. 

He slowed his pace to walk beside me and I could feel his normal mood returning. I let my shoulder brush against his and he didn't pull away, which was a good sign. 

As the next few minutes past I made sure to brush against him just to remind him I still cared and I guess if worked because he eventually spoke.

"S-sorry if I was acting weird earlier..."

"Don't worry about it, we all have bad days."

I got the feeling this was more than just having a bad day but still, I wanted to make him feel better. 

"Yeah, I guess. I just don't want you to think it's anything you did..." He still sounded so unlike himself and it hurt just to hear the pain in his voice. 

I stopped walking and looked at him "I know you don't want to tell me but I know that something's up. If you need someone to talk to, I'll always be here for you." He chewed nervously on my lip "'m fine..."

I stepped closer to him and snaked my arms around his neck, running one of my hands comfortingly through his hair. He tended when I touched him and tried to pull away. I let him step back but kept my eyes locked on his "is there anything I can do to help?"

He shook his head and put his hand on my shoulder "I'm okay, really. I'm just stressed and I'm not handling it well. I'm sorry if it scared you."

I smiled and stepped forward to hug him again. This time he hugged back.

"Okay," I said, still not sure if I believed him but I knew how it felt to be so stressed it crushed you "l don't mind."

I soft but genuine smile spread across his lips and I pulled back. Daisy tugged at the leash to signify that our time for standing still was over. He let out a soft chuckle and the sad look in his eyes faded. I walked (was pulled) after Daisy and Anthony followed behind us at a slightly slower pace. His eyebrows were furrowed and he seemed to be thinking again, I hoped that wasn't a bad thing. He didn't have the same look of regret and pain on his face so that was a good sign, it was more a look of confusion, although I wasn't sure what he was so confused about. He seemed to realize that he was trailing behind and jogged to catch back up.

"Come to save me from the demon dog?" I asked as Daisy pulled again on the leash, enough to knock me off balance. He just rolled his eyes and watched me struggle to keep her under control. 

"There's a fenced-in park up here where you can let her off the leash, she's going to pull you over."

I scoffed but his point was proven when she saw a squirrel and he had to grab my shoulder to keep me upright.

"Yeah, good plan."

 

Anthony chucked the stick for about the twentieth time and leaned back against the bench we were sharing. Daisy bounded after it with as much energy as ever.

"Is she always like this?" He asked and looked over at me.

"Pretty much, I'm just glad she isn't trying to dislocate my arm anymore."

I realized I was staring at him and looked back at Daisy who was chasing after a duck who had made the mistake of landing in her line of sight.

I saw out of the corner of my eye that Anthony was staring at me, his dark eyes scanning over me. I tried not to notice but I noticed the way he licked his lips absentmindedly but he looked too damn hot. I looked back at him and smiled, I could have sworn he blushed but it must have just been the light.

Daisy seemed to grow bored of the duck and trotted back to us. She put her head on my knee and looked up at me with a playful look in her eyes. I picked another stick off the ground and she grabbed it in her jaws before I could throw it.

"Hey!" I laughed as she pulled roughly on it "do you want me to throw it or not?"

She just wagged her tail and pulled again as a response. I half-stood half-was pulled up from the bench and she growled playfully. She pulled hard enough to pull me off balance and I landed in a kneeling position. Anthony laughed and moved to sit next to me. Daisy dropped the stick and instead jumped onto his lap. He yelped and covered his face with his hands as she licked his face. I laughed and put my hand on her collar to gently pull her off, instead of the fabric of her collar though I touched soft, cool skin. I realized that Anthony had the same idea and even once Daisy pulled away to go chase some other hopeless form of wildlife my hand stayed resting on his. I wanted more than anything to interlace our fingers and feel his touch but I pulled away instead. He watched her run back over to the other side of the park to look for other things to explore, apparently unphased by our almost-hand-holding. I tried not to think about the feeling of his skin and the way my hand would fit so perfectly in his. 

 

The next ten minutes were filled with trying to get some more of Daisy's energy out. We decided we had succeeded when she laid down, panting, at our feet. She didn't pull as badly on the way back home and that was a good thing. 

 

It was starting to get late and Anthony was still acting weird. He barely talked over dinner and when he did he was stumbling over his words. I really wanted to help but I didn't know how or even what was wrong. As soon as we finished eating he disappeared into his room without saying a thing. I sighed and went into my own room, trying to push down the lump in my throat. 

I pulled out my phone as a distraction and opened tumblr. I searched "Smosh" in hopes that all the GIFs of us being happy together would help my mood. The first thing that came up was a fanfiction though. I knew that a lot were mainly fluff and might actually help.

"I'm going to hell," I mumbled and clicked the link. It started out innocently enough; hand holding, flirting, et cetera. About halfway through it got more intimate. I knew that I shouldn't be reading anything like this, never mind about my best friend. As it continued I could feel a heat growing in my stomach. Fuck. 

A normal person would just stop reading and take a cold shower but a normal person also wouldn't fall in love with his best friend. Provocative images filled my mind an my hand instinctively unbuttoned my jeans. I let out a soft sigh and thanked god I had locked the door. I pulled them off followed quickly by my boxers. I knew that this was so fucking wrong but damn they idea of being with Anthony made me so hot. I pushed back the thoughts of how this whole thing was wrong and let my instincts take over. My hand moved in the familiar strokes up and down my cock and I struggled to hold back a moan of pleasure. Just the idea of how fucking good Anthony would be in bed got me going so that mixed with stimulation from my hand had me going crazy. The last time I did this I tried not to think of Anthony but this time I gave in. I let my mind wander to how good his mussels would feel under my fingers, how big he must be, how good he would make me feel. Before I knew it I was close. I closed my eyes and, to no surprise, images of Anthony flickered behind my eyelids. I came with a low moan and hoped Anthony couldn't hear it through the wall. I laid back in ecstasy and sighed.

Yep, going to hell.

 

I woke up to a quiet house. There wasn't a noise besides the soft tapping of Daisy's nails on the tile. It was past 8:00 already and it was off that Anthony wasn't up yet. I called his name and got no answer so I stood up, through on a pair of sweatpants, and walked into the living room. He wasn't in the house clearly. 

I went back into my room and a checked my phone. I saw that he had texted me, probably to let me know where he was.

"I'm just going to get stuff for breakfast, I'll be back soon."

I was relieved to know where he was, I was still nervous after seeing how upset he seemed yesterday.

I put my phone down and sat back down on my bed. I looked back at the text and tried to find any clue as to what he was feeling but found nothing. I wished he would just tell me what was going on but I was also probably overreacting.

He had texted me about twenty minutes ago so he'd probably be back home in about ten minutes and I could see how he was feeling then. I'm sure he was fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter was a little short, school is a thing. The next chapter should be a little longer but no promises. 
> 
> As a writer it's really important to hear what you guys think of the story so please leave a comment. What do you like about the story? What needs improvement? What do you want to happen? What do you not want to happen? What was your favorite chapter? Really guys, I'd love to hear what you think.
> 
> Thanks for reading, see you next week.


	20. Dreams Don't Turn to Dust

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony wants nothing more than for things to be how they were, but they never will be.

Anthony's POV:  
"What?" Joven said after a few seconds. The knot in my throat was making it hard for me to talk or even breathe "I-I'm in love with him, fuck, what do I do?"

He hesitated for a second and I could tell he was picking his words carefully "are you sure? I mean, you guys have been friends forever so maybe it's just that you're really close."

"No, it's not. I don't just was to be friends with him, I w-want to hold him and kiss him and oh my god, what do I even do?"

I new my voice was breaking and I was on the verge of tears but I didn't care. Of course I would fall for my straight best friend.

"Wow," Joven breathed "are you going to tell him?"

"Of course not!" I said, a little louder than I meant to. I sighed "I can't lose him."

"You aren't going to lose him, you guys have been friends for like twenty years."

"But I will, things'll just be too awkward."

"Yeah? I guess. But I still think you should let him know, maybe he even feels the same."

"He's straight."

"I thought you were straight."

He had a point but Ian wouldn't have a reason to hide that from me, he would tell me if he was bi or something.

"Ian's different, I'm not telling him."

"Okay, just don't be upset about this, you couldn't help it."

I hated myself for this, this was my fault. I should have noticed the feeling earlier and somehow stopped it before they got this bad.

"Thanks, I should go."

"Just tell me if you need to talk."

"I will."

I hung up and collapsed back on my bed, tears running down my face. I wouldn't tell him, it was bad enough that I fell in love with him, I wasn't going to tell him.

 

I needed to get out of the house and Ian insisted on coming with me, I wasn't going to say no but I really needed to be alone. I knew he noticed something was up but I didn't care anymore. As long as he didn't know what had me so freaked out.

I tried to fake a smile when we were playing with Daisy and for the ready of the evening. A few times a flicker of happiness overpowered the guilt I felt but never for long. I didn't actually know what was happening most of the time because I was too far lost in my own self-pity but Ian seemed happy and that was what mattered.

 

_"Anthony, doing anything?"_

_I looked up from where I was sitting on the couch "nope, need something?"_

_He looked like he always did but there was a look in his eyes that I'd never seen before._

_"No..." He drew out the word slightly "although..." He met my eyes and bit his lip, damn, he was hot._

_He stepped closer to me and straddled my hips, this actually wasn't all that odd for us but the way he looked at me and the tone of his voice hinted that something was different._

_"Ian," I said softly, trying resist the urge to kiss him "what are you doing?"_

_His lips were less than centimeters away from mine "don't act like you don't want this too..."_

_His voice sent shivers down my spine. Before I could say anything he was kissing me, his lips were soft and perfect. It wasn't awkward and slow like most first kisses, it was passionate and deliberate._

_His hands were tangled in my hair and mine were on his hips. He rolled his hips against mine and my breath caught in my throat. I pulled away slightly, immediately missing the feeling of his lips._

_"What's wrong?" He said, looking a little concerned._

_I wanted this, god I wanted this, but only if it meant he was mine. I didn't want this to be a one time thing._

_"Do you like me?"_

_He kissed me again and stroked his thumb over my cheek "duh, I like you, I love you."_

_My heart seemed to slow down and speed up at the same time. He liked me._

_"I love you too."_

_"I know you do. Damn, you're hot."_

_I was about to protest but he rolled his hips again and moaned softly at the friction. I bit my lip and watched him, his eyes were closed and his head tipped back slightly._

_"A-Anthony, I need you so badly..."_

_His voice was soft and pleading, I could feel myself getting even more turned on then I already was._

_He tugged at my shirt and, despite being uncomfortable with my body, I helped him pull it over my head. He kissed my neck and I had to struggle to hold back a soft moan. His hands were moving over my chest and stomach and although this usually would make me uncomfortable, it was Ian, I trusted him._

_He pulled off his own shirt and pressed his hips to mine, making both of us moan. I could barely breathe with the mixture of how good he looked and the way his hips were moving against mine. I couldn't believe he was mine, that this was happening._

_With the way he was straddling my hips, I had to lift him up to pull off his jeans. He wriggled his hips to help me pull them off and grinned the way he always did when he knew he was winning. I lifted my hips into his to pull my own jeans off, which conveniently sent a rush of pleasure through both our bodies. Ian was whimpering and grinding his hips against mine, his fingers digging into my shoulders pleadingly. He pulled his boxers down and kissed me, moaning softly into my mouth. I could feel every inch of his skin against mine and it felt amazing. He hooked his fingers into the waistband of my boxers and pulled gently, mumbling my name pleadingly. I pulled them off and his fingers dug tighter into my skin, begging for more. He met my eyes and ran one of his hands though my hair._

_"A-Anthony please, I really want this."_

_If it was anyone else I would have just fucked him but it was Ian, he was still my best friend._

_"Ian, th-this won't be a one time thing, will it?"_

_"I'm yours, babe, forever."_

_This might not have been the start I pictured but I also wasn't about to stop him. I kissed him and let him pull off my boxers. A bolt of pleasure coursed through my body when he grinded his hips against mine. I couldn't take the tension between us any longer and I wrapped one arm around his waist, pulling him closer. His pupils were dilated so far that brilliant blue was almost half what it was normally._

_He shifted his hips slightly to let me know that he wanted more than this. I did too just... This was happening really fast. Ian seemed to read my mind because he kissed me again but more gently "if this is too fast I totally get it, we don't have to if you aren't comfortable."_

_I shook my head "no, it's really fine. I'm just surprised is all."_

_He nodded and grinned "so you're ready?"_

_"Whenever you are."_

_He lifted himself up and lowered himself down on my by-now fully hard cock. He felt absolutely amazing and looked just as good. He threw his head back in pleasure and sucked in a breath. I moaned and kissed him an an attempt to hold back more noises. He rolled his hips experimentally and I could barley breath. Judging from the noise he let out, it felt just as good to him. He did it again and I bucked my hips into his, causing him to moan louder and dig his nails into my shoulder. I put one hand on his hip to hold him down and bucked into him again, each time getting closer to my breaking point. He buried his face in my neck and whined. Watching him fall apart has pushing me even farther and I knew I wouldn't last much longer at this pace. I could have slowed down to make this last longer but it felt way to damn good to stop._

_Ian could barely make words between moans but he managed to choke out "'m s-so close..."_

_I nodded and pulled his head up to kiss him. I could feel his close he was from the way he was panting and whining with every movement._

_"M-me too..." I breathed between moans. He moaned one last time and came onto our chests. He practically collapsed and I came a few seconds after, aftershock and adrenaline fading to leave me completely exhausted. He nuzzled my neck and smiled tiredly "I love you, Anthony."_

Shit. I thought as I opened my eyes. Did I really just do that? Did I really just dream about fucking my best friend. Oh my fucking god, I did. What the hell was wrong with me? I rubbed my eyes and groaned, I felt horrible about the whole thing. This was so fucked up. Even falling for him in the first place was wrong, there weren't even words for how bad this was.

I really needed to go clear my head, I also didn't want to see Ian after everything that happened. I could go to the store just to get out of the house, that's what I'd do. I couldn't put off seeing Ian forever, oh my god, he lived with me. I'd have to see him every day until he decided to move out again, and who knew how long that would be.

My phone lit up to show I had a new message. I looked at it and saw it was from Joven.

"Don't hate yourself for this. I know you and I know you're going to blame yourself but please don't. It's not something you can help. Just-"

There was more but I didn't bother reading it. I did hate myself. It was my fault.

I got out of bed and immediately flinched at the cold air. The air might not have actually been that cold but everything is freezing when you haven't eaten in a day. I changed into warm clothes and ran my hand through my hair, as if something like that could make me look good enough. Ian was still asleep when I walked out, thank god, I tried as hard as I could to not make any noise as I put on shoes and walked out. I was walking down the stairs when someone spoke.

"Are you okay?"

I turned to face the owner of the voice and saw my neighbor standing in front of me. She around my age and had dark circles under her eyes that showed she hadn't been sleeping well. Her dark hair was frizzy and it looked like she hadn't washed it in a few days.

"Y-yeah, you?"

She shrugged and leaned back against the wall "I guess, the baby has just been crying a lot."

I remembered that her and her husband had just had a baby a few weeks ago "oh, yeah, I hope it gets better for you." I said, not feeling up for a conversation.

"So what's up with you? You look like a damn corpse." A flicker of a smile spread across her lips but the amusement was not a shared feeling.

"Feel like one too,"

Her smile faded and she got a concerned look in her eyes "is everything okay?"

I shrugged "I'm not going to jump off the roof or anything so I guess."

She reached out to touch my shoulder but I pulled away. She recoiled her hand and pursed her lips "look, I know it's none of my business but just... Just know that I'm here if you need someone to talk to."

I laughed dryly. Like I would tell a stranger something I couldn't tell my best friend.

"I'm fine, but thanks. And don't worry, I just had a bad night."

She nodded and said nothing.

"Really, I'm fine."

Fine. That's a word I used to often and too rarely meant.

She smiled at me and nodded again "okay, I know the feeling. Don't be a stranger, maybe sometime you and your boyfriend can come over for dinner of something."

A pang of earning hit me. "Ian is not my boyfriend..." I mumbled softly.

"Oh, sorry, well you guys should still come over."

I doubted that would happen, I was rarely in the mood for social events, especially not with strangers.

"We'll see. Look, I have to go but thanks for the offer."

"Oh, yeah, sure. You know where to find me if you ever need anything."

I nodded in acknowledgement and started back down towards the parking lot.

I hoped this didn't change anything between Ian and I. I couldn't lose him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting on a Saturday? What? Yep, and the next chapter will also come out tomorrow! Two chapters in two days! I've been writing like crazy because I'm really liking writing this part. 
> 
> I'm also writing a Troyler fic and will have a link to the first chapter tomorrow so please check that out. 
> 
> I know these chapters are a little short but I'm impatient to get through the next few chapters so I'm sorry if that's annoying. Please keep leaving me your feedback because I love to hear it and thank you so much for reading!


	21. Look at me Like That

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony is only getting worse and to top stuff off, Ian is ignoring him.

Ian's POV:  
I flipped through a random flier from some clothing store even though I didn't like anything in it, I was bored out of my mind. I looked up when I heard the sound of the front door opening. 

"Hey, Anthony." I said as he walked in, a bag of groceries in his hand.

"Oh, hi, Ian." His voice was soft, like the words hurt him. I gestured for him to sit next to me once he put the food in the kitchen. He hesitated for a second but sat down anyway. I was about to move closer to him but I didn't want to make him uncomfortable and leave. Something was obviously bothering him but I know that he wouldn't tell me until he was comfortable. 

"Sorry I left,"

"Dude, it's fine. You texted me so I knew where you were. Don't worry."

He nodded but didn't say anything. I had seen Anthony pretty messed up but he hadn't been this bad since high school. 

"Yeah, I guess."

His eyes stayed locked on the floor, refusing to look at me. I moved closer to him but he only stood up "I have some stuff to do."

I nodded, the feeling of hopelessness growing in my stomach. 

"You can go but, please, stop shutting me out."

He sighed and looked at me, a sad regret glinting in his dark eyes. He wasn't even trying to hide anymore. Whatever happened had broken him. I stood up as well and wrapped my arms around him tightly.

"I'm scared, please tell me what's wrong."

He tensed for a moment but eventually relaxed "sorry, I'm okay, just... Don't worry."

I rested my forehead on his and looked into his eyes "but I am worried,"

He shook his head and I saw a flicker of the usual happy glimmer return to his eyes. "I'm okay, I'm just being dramatic, honest."

He smiled a little and I smiled back "yeah, okay, just talk to me if you need." 

He nodded and stepped back "I will, I promise."

He seemed way better just in the few seconds he had been open so I took that as a good sign. 

"Okay, by the way, Mari called and asked if she could come over to go over some stuff with the next filming, she said she called you but you did answer."

"Yeah, phone died. I'll call her back after breakfast."

"Speaking of breakfast, what's for breakfast?"

 

"You look good today." Mari said to Anthony when she walked in. Of fucking course she did. She was fucking in love with him, and he felt the same. She grinned at me "you too Ian," oh look at that, I got the pity complement. 

"Thanks, Mari, you too."

I just nodded and hoped that I wouldn't be needed in this conversation, I wasn't interested in watching them flirt. 

"So, I'm just not sure about the scene in in, I like it an all, I just think maybe Courtney and I could switch scenes? I think it would be a better casting."

They sat down on the couch together and I waited a few seconds to see if either one invited me to join them. They didn't. I walked back into my room and sighed, they were probably making out right now. A wave of jealousy washed through me. A lump formed in my thought and tears threatened to fill my eyes. I couldn't keep doing this, getting upset every time I was reminded he would never want me the way I wanted him. Part if me wanted to move out, part of me wanted to never be away from him, but really all I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were.

 

"Ian?" Anthony said softly from behind the door "Mari and I are going out for lunch, why don't you come too."

I lifted my head off the pillow and took a deep breath, hoping my voice sounded steady "I-I'm okay, go ahead without me."

"Come on, it'll be fun, we're going to that sandwich shop you like."

"I said it's fine!"

That came out harsher than I expected but I didn't care.

"Ian, kitten, just... We'll talk later. I'm really sorry for how I was treating you earlier."

I was about to say something but the sound of Mari's voice cut me off "ready to go, Ant?" 

"Yep, can't wait."

I could hear their footsteps walking away and out the door. I'd never been this way around him. We'd always been best friends, always, but now... Things were changing. I used to think Anthony and I would always be best friends but now... I wasn't so sure.

 

Olivia: hi hi hi!  
Me: what do you want?  
Olivia: something wrong?  
Me: it's Anthony, he's going out with Mari.  
Olivia: I'm sure it's nothing, don't worry.  
Me: it isn't nothing.  
Olivia: want me to come over so we can talk?  
Me: yes please.

 

Mari threw he arms around my neck the second she walked in.

"I'm so sorry about Anthony, really."

I nodded and buried my face in her neck.

"I-I just... It hurts..."

She nodded and stroked my hair comfortingly "if you need to cry, you can, I can feel you shaking,"

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried not to cry but it didn't do anything. A quiet sob escaped my lips and hugged me tighter. We stood like that for a few minuets before I pulled away and wiped my eyes.

"Thanks, um, I really needed that."

She nodded and took my hands "let's go sit down and just... Whatever you need."

I let her lead me over to the couch "is there anything I can do?" She said as she sat down with me.

"Unless you can magically change someone's sexuality and make them fall in love with someone then not really, just be here."

She laid her head on my shoulder "okay, I will be, whenever you need anything."

"Okay, thanks, it really helps."

"I know it hurts but you're going to be okay, he'll still always be your best friend."

I shrugged "I guess, I don't know."

She met my eyes "yes he will, nothing is going to change that."

I looked away "you're probably right, I just really want him... And I really want him to want me too."

"I know, I know, I'm sorry."

I didn't know what else to say, I felt horrible. We didn't say anything for a while and didn't need to, somehow having her with me made me feel like this wasn't so hopeless. I wasn't alone, I still had her.

I sighed and wrapped my arms around her "when do you need to leave?"

"Not for an hour or so, we can talk for a while."

I smiled slightly "good, I'd like that,"

"Me too, I like it when you're happy."

She smiled "so I know you think that he likes her, what makes you think that?"

"You'd see it too if you saw them together, it's really obvious. They flirt all the time, it's disgusting."

"Have you seen them kiss or something?"

"No, god no, I'm glad I haven't."

"Well then you don't know anything for sure, I'm sure Anthony wouldn't hide something like this from you."

 

"Oh my god, I can't believe you did that!" Mari laughed as they walked back in, Mari ha left only a few minutes ago and the jealousy was already seeping back into my mind. 

"Hey, you shut up, it was an accident!" His arm was around her waist and I felt like someone has punched me in the stomach.

"Whatever, loser. Anyway, I should go but I really had fun today."

She snaked her arms around his neck and smiled at him "call me sometime, we should do this again."

He nodded and smiled "definitely, I'll see you at work then?"

She let go of him and stepped back "yep, see you then."

She waved cheerfully at Anthony and grabbed her bag before leaving. Anthony seemed to notice my presence for the first time but I quickly returned to my room before he said anything. 

I locked the door behind me and ignored him calling after me, tears running down my face. I didn't care that I might have been hurting him, he was hurting me more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woah, two chapters is two days!? Yep, I've been writing 24/7 because something important happens soon and I can't wait to get to write it. And because IVE lost my mind I'll be posting on Monday to so that will be fun. Three chapters in three days!
> 
> I still love all your comments and kudos so leave those any time.
> 
> I also promised you a Troyler fic and I shall deliver:  
> http://archiveofourown.org/works/4738523


	22. The Way Things Were

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony hates being in love with Ian, almost as much as he hates himself for falling for him.

"Hey Anthony," his voice cut through the silence that had surrounded me like a knife. 

"Oh, hi, Ian," I mumbled as I kicked the door closed behind me. I set the bag of groceries down in the kitchen and silently prayed he didn't try to talk to me. I wasn't that lucky though, he gestured for me to sit next to him and just out of politeness, I did. 

"Sorry I left," I said softly in an attempt to break the crushing silence.

"Dude, it's fine. You texted me so I knew where you were. Don't worry."

"Yeah, I guess" stop fucking talking, stop fucking talking.

He moved a little closer to me and looked at me with those deep, concerned eyes. I stood up just to get away from him. 

"I have some stuff to do." It was weak excuse but an excuse none the less. 

"You can go but, please, stop shutting me out."

I wanted to just jump off a fucking bridge.

I was still trying to figure out what to say to that when he stood up and hugged me. I tensed up for a second but eventually gave into his familiar touch. He smelled like coffee and home.

"I'm scared, please tell me what's wrong."

He wanted to hear the truth but I couldn't give him that, but I could at least make him think that I was being open.

"Sorry, I'm okay, just... Don't worry."

Our foreheads were touching and he sighed sadly "but I am worried,"

I was such a fucking idiot. I was scaring him. How could I be this selfish?

"I'm okay. I'm just being dramatic, honest."

I needed him to believe me. There was nothing I could do to change how I felt about him, I might as well pretend things would be okay between us, for his sake.

"Yeah, okay, just talk to me if you need."

"I will, I promise." 

I promise, I remember when saying that had a meaning.

"Okay, by the way, Mari called and asked if she could come over to go over some stuff with the next filming, she said she called you but you did answer."

I remembered her calling. I didn't answer because at the time I was contemplating if it was worth it to walk into traffic.

"Yeah, phone died. I'll call her back after breakfast."

"Speaking of breakfast, what's for breakfast?"

 

"You look good today." Mari said when I opened the door for her "you too, Ian."

"Thanks, Mari" I said, a little awkwardly "you too."

S"o, I'm just not sure about the scene in in, I like it an all, I just think maybe Courtney and I could switch scenes? I think it would be a better casting."

I followed her to the couch and pretended to listen but the whole time I was pondering whether to call after Ian as he retreated back to his room. I wasn't sure what was up with him, whenever Mari was around he freaked out.

 

"Anthony, are you even listening?" Mari said after a few minutes.

"Sorry," I mumbled and looked back at her "just thinking,"

"About?"

"Nothing, sorry, go on."

"Nah, let's go to lunch, I'm tired of work anyway."

I nodded and stood up "sure, can I invite Ian?"

"Definitely. Does Ian not like me? It's like every time I'm around he freaks out."

If noticed that too but I knew he liked Mari, they'd been friends for years.

"I'm sure it's nothing, I'll get him."

She nodded and I walked over to his door. It was locked, which was weird for Ian.

I called his name softly but didn't hear a reply "Mari and I are going out for lunch, why don't you come."

I was relieved to hear him voice but less so his answer "I-I'm okay," oh god, he sounded like he was crying "go ahead without me."

"Come on," I pleaded "it'll be fun, we're going to that sandwich shop you like."

"I said it's fine!" His voice was shaking and angry, I couldn't figure out why though.

"Ian," I sighed "kitten, just... We'll talk later," I said honestly "I'm really sorry for how I was treating you earlier."

Mari put her hand on my shoulder and looked at me apologetically "ready to go, Ant?"

"Yep," I glanced back at his door, hoping he might open it as I replied dryly "can't wait,"

"Is he okay?" Mari asked as we walked out.

"To be honest, I'm not sure, he's been acting weird ever since... Never mind."

The truth was he had been acting odd ever since Mari showed up but I wasn't going to say that.

"Ever since I got here, right?"

"Well, yeah, kind of... I'm going to talk to him once you leave."

"That sounds good, I hope he's okay, he seemed pretty fucked up."

"He is, uh, right now at least. He's fine like almost all the time just... Yeah, you know what I mean."

"I do, don't worry, I know that he'll be fine."

"He will be, I'm sure."

"Yeah, just make sure to talk to him, I miss the way things used to be."

As soon as I said it I regretted it.

"The way things used to be?"

"It's just... Something happened between us, I think we're growing apart. I hate it."

"I'm sure you'll be fine, you've been friends forever."

I sighed "yeah well, things change."

 

Mari waved as she walked out and I turned back to Ian just to see him leaving as well. 

"Ian, stop, we need to talk."

He slammed the door behind him and I heard the lock click. I was losing him and there was nothing I could do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I don't know when writing became the only thing I do but clearly it is now. I'm now writing two things at a time but I hope that that won't affect the lengh or content of this story. But thank you all for reading, it means so much. Your comments seriously make my day so don't be shy to leave them. 
> 
> I'd also like to say that Anthony's state of mind will not get any worse so if you're nervous about that don't worry.
> 
> Love you guys!


	23. Because I'm in Love With You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Anthony finally have a much-needed and overdue talk.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screaming*

Ian's POV:  
I sighed and unlocked my door, if I was lucky Anthony would be in his room. I looked around quickly and saw Anthony on the couch, he rose before I could go back into my room and I knew I was screwed. 

"Ian, we really need to talk."

I knew he was right so I grudgingly walked over to him.

"What's with you and Mari?" He asked when I got close to him.

"Nothing, let it go."

"Kitten, talk to me."

I met his eyes and everything fell apart "I know you guys are together, okay! Stop lying to me!"

He looked as shocked as I felt at my outburst "you think that... Me and Mari?..."

I looked at the floor and nodded.

He stepped closer to me and tried to take my hands but I pulled away "why would you think that?"

I tapped my hand against my thigh anxiously, needing to be out of this conversation "because you guys are flirting like all the time."

"We aren't a thing, I'd tell you if we were."

"Don't lie to me."

"Ian, I'm not lying to you."

"Yes you are! I know you are!"

I could seem annoyance glinting in his eyes "well why does it matter anyway? Why would you even care?"

A wave of anger, jealousy, attraction, and probably a bunch of other emotions I couldn't identify hit me and the logical part of my brain shut off.

"Because I'm in love with you!"

I felt my entire world collapse around me. Before I could even think of what do do next Anthony did the last thing I thought he'd do: he kissed me. 

I kissed back even though I was still sure he didn't like me too, but then why would he kiss me? My entire mind lit up like fireworks and any rational thinking when he wrapped his arms around my waist and ran his tongue over my bottom lip. I parted my lips instinctively and felt my knees grow weak when he slipped his tongue into my mouth. He smiled when I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly to keep my from falling over. He tasted cool and fresh, like watermelon. The whole thing felt so natural I couldn't believe that this was actually real. He backed me up against the wall and my breathe caught in my throat. This was happening.

The kiss shifted slowly from slow and sweet to passionate and hungry. He pushed my shirt up slightly to run his hands over my lower back and I tangled my fingers in his hair. He pulled away slightly and met my eyes, a happy gleam in his eyes.

"I love you too, loser."

I grinned and pecked his lips again "I got that."

He hummed happily and kissed me again, like he wanted this too. I wasn't even sure what I wanted besides him. We could literally make out for a year and I'd be happy.

He moved to kiss my neck and I let out a soft moan of pleasure, which only encouraged him. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back as he pulled my shirt up further and then over my head completely. I wasn't sure what his intentions were but I wasn't planning on stopping him. 

"Ian," he mumbled "how far do you want to go?"

I did know what I wanted but I didn't want to say the wrong thing and scare him.

"I-I..." 

He kissed me gently "I'll stop if you want,"

"No, just, do you want this?"

He ran his hands down my sides "as long as you do too."

Oh my god. He wanted to have sex with me. Oh my fucking god.

"I do, I really want this." He kissed me almost before I could get the words out and he pushed his hips against mine. I couldn't believe how good that felt. I could feel myself getting hard and hoped Anthony couldn't too, or maybe I hoped he could. He grunted softly and it went straight to my dick. I could feel his own erection pressing against mine and it was driving me crazy.

"B-bedroom, please." I whimpered between heavy breaths.

He nodded and pulled me into his room, my heart hammering in my chest. He laid me down on his bed and pulled off his shirt. He crawled on top of me and kissed me hungrily. My hands traveled down to his hips and unbuckled his belt. He lifted his hips so I could push off his jeans but then grinded them against mine, causing me to moan at the friction. 

"F-fuck," he stammered. The way he was whimpering made it clear that he wanted this just as much as I did.

He pulled my jeans off and moved down to kiss my neck. He grinded his hips down again and hooked his fingers under the waistband of my boxers and pulled them off. His eyes flickered down and he smirked.

"Damn, Ian,"

I knew I was blushing deeply but didn't care. He pulled his own boxers off and my heart fucking stopped.

He looked amazing. He was huge. And I thought I was turned on before.

He paused for a second and kissed me more gently "you still want this?" I nodded quickly and whimpered. "Tell me if you need me to stop, I don't want to hurt you."

"Y-you won't," I breathed, desperate to have him inside me.

"Just s-sometimes it can-"

I cut him off and smiled "dude, I do this all the time, calm down."

His eyes grew wide with surprise "what do- when-" he chuckled and pecked my lips "never mind, I don't care,"

He reached over to grab a bottle of lube from his bedside table. He rubbed lube onto his dick and moaned a little at his touch. He leaned back over me and rested his forehead on mine.

"I love you," he whispered before he pushed into me. The feeling was indescribable, it would have hurt except all I could think about was how good the whole thing felt. 

My legs wrapped tightly around his hips to encourage him not to hold back. He started thrusting into me at a steady pace. I couldn't think anything above the sinful sounds we were making and the pleasure pulsing through my body.

I didn't last for long before I felt heat growing in my stomach. It took me a few moments to even make something similar to words.

"G-getting... Fuck, An-anthony... So c-close..."

He nodded and bit down gently on my shoulder, making me moan even louder.

"M-me too..." He grunted softly.

I came onto his chest and struggled to keep my entire body from going limp. He thruster into me a few more times before coming too. Afterwards, both of us laid without moving, trying to catch our breath. He pulled out of me slowly and collapsed beside me.

"Th-that was... Oh my god..." He mumbled.

I could only nod and curl closer to him, wrapping my arms around him. Before I knew it I was asleep on his chest, and I couldn't wish for anything more.

 

My eyes flickered open and everything that had happened flooded back into my mind. Anthony was just starting to wake as well, his arm still draped over my waist. I cuddled closer to him and he tightened his arm around me. 

"Morning," he mumbled groggily.

"Morning," I repeated and kissed his cheek.

"You're kind of amazing in bed by the way." I grinned and pushed his hair back from his eyes.

"You too, like, fucking awesome."

He pushed me off him playfully and closed his eyes again.

"Shut up, you're better."

"So you were jealous of Mari?"

Looking back, it seemed so stupid.

"Yeah, I was. And you were pushing me away because you loved me?"

He nodded "yeah, pretty stupid."

"Not really, you didn't want to lose your best friend."

"Still," I nuzzled his neck gently "don't worry, I understand."

He smiled and stroked his hand down my back, sending shivers up my spine. 

"I can't believe you're really mine." Anthony said softly "me neither,"

"We should really get up soon." He said.

I whined and pawed gently at his chest "but I'm comfy..."

"Kitten, we can cuddle after breakfast, okay?"

I smiled and nodded "okay, fine. Oh, and, um..." I smirked at him and kissed his jaw "remember how I don't have a gag reflex?"

I could practically feel him getting turned on "fuck, I'm officially the luckiest man in the world."

"Just because I can give the the blowjob of your life?"

"Well, yes, but I also have the hottest, sweetest, funniest boyfriend ever."

"Shut up, I'm not that great."

"You are, you're perfect."

I rolled my eyes and swung my legs over the bed, pulling my boxers back on. The air felt cold after sleeping curled up with him under the blankets all night. He did the same and followed me out of his room. I interlaced our fingers and smiled "I love you."

He kissed my cheek "I love you too, kitten. Hungry?"

I nodded, realizing that we hadn't eaten dinner last night.

"Yes please,"

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me closer "well we have toast, and cereal, and grapefruit. Or we could go out, today is a pretty special day after all."

"I kind of want to stay here, is that okay?"

He kissed me, my heart still fluttered at every touch. "Alright, here is fine,"

I could have stood like that for the rest of my life but he pulled away. I leaned back against the counter and watched him pull out bowls, (vegan) milk, and cereal.

He turned back to me, a small smile flickering at his lips. 

"What's got you smiling like that?"

He pecked my lips and grinned "just thinking about how cute you are, kitten."

I blushed and looked away. He put his hand flat on my stomach and pushed me back against the counter. I hopped onto the cool tile and wrapped my legs around his waist. I closed my eyes and sighed contently when he kissed my shoulder, his breath warm on my skin. I felt his lips curl into a smile against my neck and he mumbled "we really need to stop doing this..."

I ran my fingers through his hair happily "why? I like doing this."

He stepped back but kept his hands on my hips "I do too, but we do have to eat at some point."

I nodded and got down off the counter. Took my hand and let me go where he had left the stuff for breakfast on the counter. I squeezed his hand and he smiled "get yourself something, I have to call someone."

I trailed my fingers down his chest and he shivered slightly. "Who?"

He kissed my cheek and pulled away "don't worry about it, I'll be back soon."

I watched him go and sighed, missing his warm touch and soft voice as soon as he left. I could hear him talking to someone from his room, was it my room too now? I'd have to remember to ask him later.

I made myself a bowl of cereal and looked over at the doorway. I could see him talking on the phone, he had put on a clean t-shirt and jeans. I'd admit, I missed being able to see his skin and muscles. 

He met my eyes a few minutes later and hung up the phone, smiling softly at me. I set down the empty bowl and met him in the living room. We sat down on the couch, just close enough that our thighs were brushing. 

"So who was it?"

"Honestly, Mari. I called to let her know that you were fine. When you were acting weird yesterday she was worried, we both were."

I realized all of a sudden we needed to tell people. Oh my god we have to tell the fans. How the fuck do you say something like that?

"D-did you tell her about-"

He cut me off by kissing me "no, not until we're both ready."

I let out a sigh of relief "good,"

He raised and eyebrow adorably "do you not want people to know?"

I interlaced our fingers and searched for the words to describe what I was feeling "I do just... We only get to do this once and I want it to be perfect."

He smiled "yeah, I want that to."

I rested my head on his shoulder and cuddled into his side "I love you, Anthony."

He squeezed my hand and smiled "I love you too, Ian."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screaming*
> 
> Can you see why I wanted to post!? Oh my god my children! 
> 
> *screaming*
> 
> Okay, so as always, I love your comments so leave any feedback you have, even if it doesn't seem important, I still want to hear it. 
> 
> So like I said last week, I wrote a Peterick fic: http://archiveofourown.org/works/4783172


	24. I Love You Too, Loser

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The start of their relationship from Anthony's perspective.

Anthony's POV:  
I turned as soon as I heard the sound of Ian's door opening. I could tell he was about to go back into his room as soon as he saw me.

"Ian," I said, hoping my voice wasn't shaking "w-we really need to talk."

He sighed and I could practically feel his frustration emanating off him. He walked over to be and crossed his arms, glaring at me.

"What's wrong with you and Mari?" I asked, hoping he'd be honest.

"Nothing," he spat "let it go."

"Kitten, talk to me," I said gently.

Suddenly we locked eyes and the anger on his face turned to pain "I know you guys are together, okay! Stop lying to me!"

I didn't know what to say. He honestly couldn't be more wrong.

"You think that... Me and Mari?"

He looked at the floor sadly and nodded. I tried to reach for his hands but he stepped away.

"Why would you think that?"

"Because you guys are flirting like all the time."

What the hell was he even talking about?

"We aren't a thing," I reassured him "I'd tell you if we were."

"Don't lie to me." He said bitterly, glancing up at me.

"Ian," I said, my voice weak. His words stung to hear "I'm not lying to you."

"Yes you are, I know you are!"

I felt myself getting angry at him and I couldn't stop it "why does it even matter anyway? Why would you even care?"

"Because I'm in love with you!" He shouted.

What the fuck did he just say? Did he just- oh my god, he did. The anger and adrenaline already coursing through my system turned off my brain and before I even knew what was happening I kissed him. I could have done anything, but I kissed him. I could have done literally anything, I could have said something or done something else but I fucking kissed him. 

My thoughts were cut off when I realized he was kissing back. Oh my god, he really did mean it.

I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him closer. I hesitantly ran my tongue over his lip, testing how far he'd let me go. I felt his body get heavier in my arms when my tongue entered his mouth and I chuckled, wrapping my arms tighter around him to hold him up.

He tasted sweet and sugary but not overwhelmingly so. He tasted pretty fucking amazing really.

I stepped forward, pushing him back, and realized that he was now against the wall. I expected him to protest but he only kissed me harder. 

I slid my fingers under the hem of his shirt and he shivered. I smiled at the way his breathing sped up when I touched him and rubbed his back gently. I realized I still hadn't actually told him that I loved him, although I had made it pretty obvious.

I pulled away and met his eyes "I love you too, loser." He giggled and pulled my into another quick kiss "I got that."

 

I woke back up later that night, it had to be almost 3:00 am. Ian was fast asleep next to me and suddenly I realized that maybe this wouldn't be the happy ending I thought it was. He might change his mind. He might have been lying. Oh my god, I could have fucked everything up. If we hadn't moved so fast we would have time to talk through things but of course, I couldn't just keep it in my pants. I was about to sit up and leave but he shifted in his sleep, draping his arm over my waist. He smiled and nuzzled my shoulder gently. I let out a sigh of relief and laid back down. I wasn't sure how much longer I was awake but at some point I did fall back asleep and didn't wake up until the morning.

 

I woke up to immediately see Ian looking back at me. A sort it nervous silence between us. He moved closer to me and the tension left my body. He wasn't mad. He still wanted this.

"Morning," I said softly.

He looked back up at me and smiled "morning,"

There were so many things we needed to talk about but neither of us wanted to bring up any of those topics.

I should ask him about what we do next and if he was okay with what happened but this moment was absolutely perfect.

Fuck. I remembered that we hadn't used a condom. Even for guys that was dangerous. Ian and I were careful about getting tested for STDs regularly but still. We'd definitely have to talk about that.

He seemed to notice my concern and he stroked my face gently with his knuckles "you're kind of amazing in bed, by the way."

I was honestly surprised I hadn't hurt him. Without any preparation he should have been screaming but he seemed fine with it. Yes, he did say that he had sex like that pretty often which would explain that but Ian had been my best friend forever and as far as I knew, I was his only boyfriend.

"You too, like, fucking awesome."

I pushed his chest and grinned. I could feel the usual friendly feeling I got whenever I was around him and it felt exactly the same despite everything that had happened.

"Shut up, you're better."

I felt a spark of self consciousness ignite somewhere in my chest and I changed the subject "so you were jealous of Mari?"

He looked away, as if he felt stupid for feeling that way "yeah, I was. And you were pushing me away because you loved me?"

When he put it like that it sounded so horrible.

"Yeah, pretty stupid."

"Not really," he said "you didn't want to lose your best friend."

I couldn't believe this angel had fallen for someone like me.

"I can't believe you're really mine," I mumbled, more to myself than anyone else. 

"Me neither," he said. I decided years ago that the most comfortable place in the world was cuddling with Ian and I stood by that decision. His body fit perfectly with mine and he was warm. If it was anyone else I would be so self-conscious that I couldn't feel comfortable but with Ian everything was different. I didn't want to ever get up but I hadn't eaten in nearing twenty-four hours and soon it would start to show. 

"We should really get up soon."

He made a soft, pleading noise in his throat and put his hand on my chest.

"But I'm comfy..."

I smiled at him. He looked absolutely adorable.

"Kitten, we can cuddle after breakfast."

"Okay, fine." The look in his eyes changed "oh and um..." He kissed my jaw and drew his hand down to my stomach and I shivered "remember how I don't have a gag reflex?"

"Fuck," I chuckled and ran my fingers through his hair "I'm officially the luckiest man in the world."

"Just because I can give you the best blowjob of your life?"

I met his eyes "well, yes, but I also have the hottest, sweetest, funniest boyfriend ever."

"Shut up," he blushed a little "I'm not that great."

I smiled and kissed his temple "you are," I mumbled, not caring how cliché its sounded "you're perfect."

He rolled his eyes and sat up, his hair falling back into his eyes. He stood up and pulled on his boxers. I did the same and considered throwing on a t-shirt as well but decided against it. He took my hand and led me me out to the kitchen.

"I love you," he said, squeezing my hand.

I kissed his cheek and grinned "I love you too."

It still felt surreal to say it. It had probably been true for years but now... My thoughts were cut off when I felt the discomfort in my stomach get worse.

"Hungry?" I asked and thankfully, he nodded.

"Yes please," he mumbled, putting his arms back around my neck, apparently not caring that I hadn't actually offered to feed him.

"Well we have toast, and cereal, and grapefruit. Or we could go out, today is a pretty special day after all."

"I kind of want to stay here, is that okay?" I nodded, glad he wanted that too. 

"Alright, here is fine." I said, gently kissing his lips. I hated to pull away but I remembered that I had promised to call Mari and tell everything was fine. She was probably really worried about him.

I grabbed stuff for cereal and looked back at him. He was leaning back against the counter, watching me. I couldn't believe that he felt the same way about me as I did him. It was fucking amazing.

"What's got you smiling like that?" He said curiously.

I walked back to him and pecked his lips. I'd never get tired of kissing him; the feeling of his stubbly beard on my skin, the way he blushed, the way his eyes flickered closed. 

"Just thinking about how cute you are, kitten."

He blushed and looked away but he was grinning. I kissed him again and he let out a soft whine. I moved closer to him and he jumped back into the counter. He wrapped his legs around my waist and my heart sped up. I knew if I didn't stop soon I'd end up fucking him again. I couldn't resist his soft little whimpers and hip movements.

I pulled away and kissed his shoulder "we really need to stop doing this..."

He ran his hand through my hair, sending shiver down my neck "why? I like doing this."

I moved away a little, not trusting myself to stay pressed up to him like that. "I do too, but we do have to eat at some point."

"Get yourself something," I said and gestured to the breakfast stuff on the counter "I have to call someone."

He ran his hand over my chest and looked at me with those puppy eyes that made me melt "who?"

I kissed his cheek "don't worry about it, I'll be back soon."

I pulled away and ignored his whimper of protest. My phone was still sitting on my nightstand where I left it. I put on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt before calling Mari. She picked up after the second ring.

"Anthony, hi. Is Ian okay?"

I thought for a second about how to explain it without giving anything away.

"I can't tell you exactly what's up yet but yeah, he's fine. We had a misunderstanding but everything worked out perfectly." 

I saw him watching me curiously through the doorway and smiled.

"So I didn't do anything wrong?"

"No, not at all. It'll make sense soon, I promise. I kind of need to go but don't worry, he's fine."

"Okay, thanks, bye."

"Bye, Mari." I hung up and walked back out to Ian. He met me in the living room and sat on the couch. I sat next to him and he moved a little closer.

"So who was it?" He asked, putting his hand on my knee.

I didn't want him to feel bad but I wasn't going to lie.

"Honestly, Mari. I called to let her know that you were fine. When you were acting weird yesterday she was worried, we both were."

His eyes widened nervously "d-did you tell her about-"

I kissed him to cut him off "no, not until we're both ready."

He sighed and cuddled into my side. I put my arm around him instinctively and he relaxed.

"Good.." He mumbled. I realized maybe he didn't want to tell people.

"Do you not want people to know?"

He took my hand and pursed his lips, thinking of what to say. "I do just... We only get to do this once and I want it to be perfect."

"Yeah, I want that too."

He put his head on my shoulder and looked up at me "I love you, Anthony."

"I love you too, Ian."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I honestly love all of you guys so much and thank you for sticking around all this time, it means a lot. You're comments make me so so happy so please keep leaving them, I love them. That's all for now, see you next week!


	25. You're My Best Decision

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Anthiny have some stuff to confess to their friends.
> 
> (Sorry this is late, I was sick)

Ian's POV  
"Joven knows." Anthony said randomly. I was laying with my head on his chest on the couch, his long legs wrapped casually around mine. 

"What?"

"He knows I like you."

I sighed and relaxed back against his chest "okay, Olivia knows I like you."

He stroked my hair and I hummed happily. 

"Do you want to tell them?"

"I don't know. Do you?"

He shifted and pursed his lips.

"Kind of, do you think the time is right?"

"I think... I think we should tell them."

He nodded and sat up slightly.

"Okay, do you want to call them and have them over?"

"Sure," he pushed me off him gently "I'll call Joven and you call Olivia."

I picked up my phone from the coffee table "okay, want to have them over for about noon? That way we can have lunch and stuff?"

"Okay," he said as he waited for Joven to answer. I went into the kitchen to call Olivia. She picked up quickly.

"Ian, hey!"

"Hi, Olivia. You busy today?"

"Nope, want to do something?"

"Want to come over for lunch?"

"Sure! What time?"

"Twelve work for you?"

"Yep. See you soon!"

We said our goodbyes and hung up. I walked back to the couch and saw that Anthony was saying goodbye to Joven as well. He hung up and I sat beside him.

"She coming?"

"Yep. Joven?"

"Mhm, we're good."

I interlaced our fingers and looked down at our hands "I'm really happy."

He smiled and kissed him cheek "I am too."

"You do want to tell everyone at some point, don't you? Like, the fans?"

"I do just... How?"

I really didn't know how. So many other people had done the normal "hey guys, we're dating!" or "we have something to confess" and I wanted ours to be different.

"We'll think of something, we have time."

"I know..."

"Hey, Anthony, guess what." I said, grinning brightly.

"What?"

I kissed him quickly "Ianthony is canon."

 

Olivia and Joven arrived on time and we were all sitting around the table. I was terrified.

"So we actually have something to tell you guys..." Anthony said, a slight tremor detectable in his voice. I was sure that everyone could hear my heart pounding in my chest.

"Ian and I..." He took my hand under the table and squeezed reassuringly, although I wasn't sure which one of us he was trying to reassure. Even though he was talking to Olivia and Joven, his dark eyes were ducked on mine. "We're together."

I didn't know what I was expecting to happen but it wasn't the explosion of excitement that erupted from the other side of the table. Olivia ran over and hugged me while Joven did the same to Anthony. We looked at each other and grinned.

"Since when?" Olivia asked gleefully once the commotion died down.

"About eight last night." I blushed at the memory of exactly how we got together, not what you'd call an innocent start to a relationship.

"Tell us everything," Joven said as he sat back down.

Anthony looked at me, a slight smirk on his lips "you might not want to hear everything..."

"Wow, wait, really?" Olivia interrupted "you guys just fucked first thing?"

"N-not exactly," I stammered "but kind of..."

"Well, it started because we were arguing and Ian kind of freaked the fuck out and said he was in love with me. Then I kissed him and things just sort of happened..."

Joven laughed "okay, we lied, we don't want all the details. Either way, I'm happy for you guys."

"Are we the first people to know?" Olivia asked.

"Yeah," Anthony said "you knew we liked each other already so it seemed right for you to know first."

"Are you going to tell the viewers at some point?"

I nodded "eventually, we just haven't figured out how yet."

"I have an idea if you want."

I looked at her hopefully. Olivia was one of our most creative writers; if we were lucky, her this would be no exception.

"Well, you love messing with the fans so what if you filmed a normal Smosh is Bored and just kissed at the end with no explanation. Then post an actual video about it the next day or something."

Anthony and I looked at each other and grinned; at was perfect.

"Olivia," he said "I could kiss you right now. That's fucking perfect!"

"Hey," Joven chimed in with a grin "don't cheat on Ian."

Anthony grinned and turned to face me "good point." He kissed me and I blushed.

"You guys are so cute!" Olivia squealed.

Joven chuckled "just a thought but you might want to fix the lock on your office door."

Anthony laughed off the comment "have some faith in us!"

I grinned. Dating him was definitely one of the best things that had ever happened to me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so late. I was sick Saturday and working on school all Sunday so nothing got done. I know this chapter is short but the only time I had to write was during school so this was all written during math class. I hope its okay anyway.
> 
> Thanks for reading and putting up with this chapter.


	26. Tell me All the Things That Make You Feel at Ease

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony is nervous about coming out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's late (again) I fell asleep.

Ian and I were laying on the couch. He had his head on my chest and his eyes closed peacefully. I could feel his warm breath against my skin and his fingers curling around my shirt.

The calm silence have me some time to think. Twenty-four hours ago I thought I was losing my best friend; now he was curled up on my chest. I never imagined this happening to me, it felt too good to be true. 

I realized that Joven knew I had feelings for him and even though we could hide it from most people for a while, hiding it from him would be difficult.

"Joven knows." I said softly, not wanting to ruin the moment but also knowing I had to tell Ian about it.

"What?" He tilted his head up to look at me.

"He knows I like you."

He nodded and went back to his previous position "okay, Olivia knows I like you."

I moved my hand up from his waist to his hair and ran my hands through it the way I'd wanted to for months. He hummed happily at the feeling and closed his eyes. 

"Do you want to tell them?"

His voice was mumbled by the way his face was turned into my shoulder "I don't know, do you?"

I shifted to try to get some circulation to my arm, which was tingling uncomfortably. Ian shifted as well to fit back into the curves of my body. It was odd how well out bodies fit together. He was all smooth curves and soft skin while I was sharp edges and bones; it somehow worked though. 

"Kind of, do you think the time is right?"

"I think... I think we should tell them."

I sat up and pushed him back onto the couch gently "okay, do you want to call them and have them over? I'll call Joven and you call Olivia."

I got my phone from the coffee table and called Joven.

"Okay, want to have them for about noon? That way we can have lunch and stuff?"

"Okay," I said as I listened to the dull ringing sound through the speaker.

Ian stood and walked into the kitchen. I watched him go and almost didn't notice Joven answer.

"Hey, Anthony. Something up?"

"Oh, um, no, just, um, want to come over today for lunch?"

"Okay, sure. You okay? You're acting weird."

I took a deep breath and tried to sound less nervous "fine, sorry. I'm fine."

"Okay. So, like, twelve?"

"Yeah, see you then?"

"Yep, see you then."

Ian had apparently ended his call with Olivia when I hung up and he came back and sat next to me.

"She coming?" I asked, instinctively putting my arm around him.

"Yep, Joven?"

"Mhm, we're good."

He took my other hand and smiled "I'm really happy." I could hear in his voice how much of an understatement that was, for both of us.

I kissed his cheek "I am too,"

"You do want to tell everyone at some point, don't you? Like, the fans?"

I did, but I didn't. It was complicated. I wanted everyone to know the Ian was mine but I still wasn't comfortable with being bi. I didn't know what I wanted.

"I do," I said, deciding to at least humor him for a while and not get his hopes down "just how?"

"We'll think of something, we have time."

The fact that he didn't mind waiting put me at ease.

"I know."

"Hey, Anthony. Guess what?"

"What?"

He grinned even brighter and kissed me "Ianthony is canon."

 

Ian was obviously as nervous as I was as we all sat around the table. There was a break in the conversation and it seemed like the time to finally tell them that we were dating.

"So we actually have something to tell you guys..."

I was half hoping that Ian would jump in there and break the news but he didn't so I continued. Ian squeezed my hand under the table and I calmed down a little. I looked at Ian and met his eyes. Although he looked scared, I could find a comfort in his eyes.

"Ian and I... We're together."

I barely had time to register that both Olivia and Joven had jumped out of their chairs and hugged us. Suddenly, I wasn't nervous anymore. I was happy. I was really and genuinely happy and open with people, it was an amazing feeling. We laughed and hugged for a few minutes but the excitement died down slightly after a few minutes.

"Since when?" Olivia asked, her voice high with excitement.

"About eight last night," Ian replied, rubbing his neck nervously.

"Tell us everything," Joven added.

I looked at Ian, hoping I came off as confident and not just terrified.

"You might not want to hear everything..."

"Wow, wait really? You guys just fucked first thing?"

Well if it's put that way it sounds a lot worse.

"N-not exactly, but kind of..."

"Well," I reasoned, hoping to save any dignity I had "it started because we were arguing and Ian kind of freaked the fuck out and said he was in love with me. Then I kissed him and things just sort of happened..."

Joven laughed and I realized they weren't actually upset by it, just curious. 

"Okay, we lied, we don't want the details. Either way, I'm happy for you guys." 

"Are we the first people to know?" 

Talking was becoming natural again and I didn't feel nervous anymore "yeah. You know we liked each other already so it seemed right for you to know first." 

"Are you going to tell the viewers at some point?" 

"Eventually, we just haven't figured out how yet." Ian replied. He seemed more comfortable again which was good. 

"I have an idea if you want," Olivia added. Ian looked at her hopefully and I leaned back in my chair, letting them talk about it. I didn't really care how or when.  
Well, you love messing with the fans so what if you filmed a normal Smosh is Bored and just kissed at the end with no explanation. Then post an actual video about it the next day or something."

As much as I didn't care, that actually sounded pretty cool and very us. I was kind of actually excited to get to film that. I never thought I'd feel excited about coming out.

"Olivia, I could kiss you right now. That's fucking perfect."

Joven grinned "hey, don't cheat on Ian."

"Good point," I kissed him without any hesitation. I'd never kissed a guy in front of people before. Honestly, most of the guys I'd kissed had been purely sexual and lust driven.

"You guys are so cute!" Olivia squeaked, clapping her hands in excitement.

Joven smirked and caught my eye once I pulled away "just a thought but you might want to fix the lock on your office door."

I laughed. I should have felt awkward but I didn't.

"Have some faith in us!"

I looked at Ian and saw he was already looking at me. There was no denying that the look in his eyes was pure adoration and love and I knew the same look was in my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late for the second week in a row, I'm horrible. I fell asleep before I could post and only remembered this morning. Please keep reading, writing comments, and leaving kudos because they make me so happy.


	27. We'll Get Through This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anthony comes clean about his issues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's late, I forgot. I'm sorry, please don't hate me.

"I'm just so happy for you guys!" Olivia said before she and Joven left. She hugged me tightly and almost knocked me over with her force. She pulled away and Joven hugged me as well "yeah, it's really great."

He stepped away too and Anthony hugged me from behind, resting his chin on my shoulder. He kissed my cheek and whispered "I love you,"

I grinned and leaned back against his chest slightly "I love you too."

"You guys are going to blow up Twitter, it'll be hilarious." Joven grinned "we'll see you tomorrow, I guess."

We all nodded in agreement and waved each other off. They closed the door as they departed and and left Anthony and I standing alone, his arms still around me. We looked at each other and laughed softly out of pure happiness. I tilted my head back to kiss him and grinned, feeling the same familiar closeness I'd grown to love since we got together.

"That went well," Anthony muttered.

I turned to face him "did you think it wouldn't?"

He shrugged "I don't know, I've never really come out before,"

"Me neither, I guess I did with Olivia but still."

He nodded and pulled away. I could feel a tension about him; his lips pressed into a line and his body language defensive. "Yeah still," he waited a few seconds before continuing "Ian, I'm, th-there's something you should know..."

The tone of his voice made me uneasy "i-is something wrong?"

He backed up timidly and sat down on the couch, his head down. I sat next to him and could feel my chest getting tight with worry. He wouldn't look at me and there were tears welling in his eyes, threatening to spill over his cheeks. 

"Honestly, yeah. I haven't been honest with you... S-so, well, y-you see..." He let out a broken sigh and hung his head "I'm not okay, like, at all. I st-starve myself, I'm almost twenty pounds underweight. I've got a history o-of self harm, n-not recently, well, kind of. And, uh, I t-tried to k-kill myself when we were eighteen..."

It took me a moment to realize what he'd said and even then I couldn't believe it. He looked at me with wide, terrified eyes, waiting for a reaction. I didn't know how to react. It didn't feel real, it couldn't be real.

"A-Anthony..." I stuttered, praying that somehow he'd say it wasn't true. Instead he just wiped his eyes, although it did nothing to stop the tears. I hugged him tightly; whether to comfort him or myself, I wasn't sure. I barely even noticed myself crying but I was.

"I-I'm s-sorry," he metered once his breath slowed enough to let him speak. I shook my head, still clinging to him "I d-don't- I don't know what to s-say..."

"I w-wouldn't either, I know it's a lot."

"Um, yeah, it is..."

There was a long pause where neither of us spoke. I could feel his ribs and spine through his shirt. I should have noticed sooner.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I said, finally breaking the heavy silence.

"What's there to talk about?"

He had a point, what was done was done.

"What about your eating disorder?" The words stung to say.

"What about it?"

A thought dawned on me and I bit my lip "y-you do want to get better, don't you?"

He hesitated for a moment "I... Yes, I-I do." He seemed to struggle to get the words out, as if part of him didn't want to say it.

"How can I help?"

"I don't know..." He admitted "just p-please don't g-get mad if... It's j-just hard..." I'd seen Anthony scared and insecure plenty of times but never like this.

"Hey," I said in what I hoped was a comforting tone "it's okay, we'll get through this. And I won't force you into anything, I promise."

He hugged me again and even though my world had jut been turned upside down and I was terrified, somehow I knew that everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, sorry it's late again. I had people over last night and that was a thing so yeah. Thank you for reading and putting up with my non-existent schedual. Remember to leave comments and kudos because they make me so so happy. Okay bye, see you next week!


	28. Different Isn't Always A Bad Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian and Anthony are adjusting to being a couple and working through Anthony's problems.

Ian's POV  
Something felt different between Anthony and I now. It wasn't uncomfortable or scary, just different. At first I was just scared that things would completely change but it felt like a weight that I didn't even know existed had been lifted. It was like the hard part was over and things were finally going to get better. Anthony was on his laptop in the living room editing something for the second channel and everything seemed oddly fine. I was a lot more aware of the sharp edges of his collarbones and jaw but he looked the same as he always did, just a little more relaxed that he wasn't hiding. 

He noticed that I was watching him after a few minutes and gestured for me to come sit next to him. I did and he closed his computer to focus on talking to me. I could tell he didn't want to talk about his past or anything, which I was fine with, I needed to get it off my mind anyway.

"Can we go out for dinner?" He asked. I nodded and leaned into his side, his arm around my shoulder.

"Sure, if you want."

"Don't feel like cooking, plus we haven't actually gone out yet in the traditional sense."

He was right. I didn't feel any need to though. It wasn't like we were going to have that awkward stage where you're getting to know someone, thank god. But I did like the idea of going to dinner with Anthony as a couple. 

"Sounds good, but we'll have to be careful not to kiss or anything because we might run into a fan."

Anthony laughed "yeah, that would be hard to explain."

I nodded but didn't really pay attention to what he was saying. I was more interested in looking at the way his hand rested in mine. At a glance, it looked normal but as I focused more, I could make out three white scars on his inner wrist. He had said he had a history of self harm but I hadn't really realized it until now. I didn't say anything but I couldn't help running my index finger over the scars. He tensed and watched me, his breath faster than before. I gave him a reassuring smile and interlaces our fingers. We still didn't say anything but we shared a silent understanding between us: everything would be okay. 

 

"Ian, you've got that buttoned wrong." Anthony said, walking over you me as a buttoned one of my nicer shirts.

I looked up at him and then down at my shirt, which was buttoned unevenly. I was about to fix it but he stepped closer at stopped me. He dropped his eyes from mine and undid the buttons. He bit his tongue as he worked and I couldn't help but smile at the way he fumbled every few buttons. He redid the buttons in the correct way and kissed me. The simple domesticity of the moment was amazing. I lived him, and someone, he felt the same.

"Now that you have your clothes on properly," Anthony said, stepping back "are you ready to go?"

I shoved my wallet into pocket "yeah, I'm good."

He took my arm dramatically and I rolled my eyes. He was a dork, and annoying, and immature; but in the best way possible.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it's really really late! I'm so sorry! As you can probably tell, I'm starting to lose inspiration for this story. I still love it but I've been focused on this for so long that now im really excited to work on some other stuff. I'm still going to cintinue the story but, yes, it is coming to an end soon. I just wanted to be honest with you guys on where I am here. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! I always love your comments and kudos so please leave some. Love you guys! See you next week (assuming I'm not late again)


	29. I'd Give Anything to Make You Smile

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't even know, it's late, I'm sorry

Anthony's POV:  
I was slightly less terrified now. Ian was actually acting pretty normal despite finding out about everything, that was comforting. I was trying to ignore that things felt different by working.

At some point Ian came over at sat with me. I shut off my computer, not really interested in working anyway. He leaned against me the way he always did now and looked up at me. 

"Can we go out to dinner?" I asked, without even thinking it.

He nodded "sure, if you want." 

Going out actually sounded really nice tonight so I was glad I asked.

"I don't feel like cooking, plus we haven't actually gone out yet in the traditional sense."

The wasn't much if a need to go on dates for us but the idea was nice, and clearly Ian thought so too.

"Sounds good, but will have to be careful not to kiss or anything because we might run into a fan."

I hadn't thought of that. By dating in secret we would actually be dating in secret. 

"Yeah, that would be hard to explain."

He took my hand and I barely even registered it now, it was just so casual now. I always made sure to turn my hand so he couldn't see my wrist when we held hands but this time I forgot. I didn't realize it until I saw him glance at our hands and go pale. I could feel my heat pounding as he traced the scars lightly and hoped to god he wouldn't bring it up. Thankfully, he didn't; he only smiled and I knew that telling him was probably the best thing I could have done for myself.

 

Ian was getting ready in his room later that evening. I wanted to ask him to move into my room but that would be taking things really fast. I loved dating my best friend but some parts were really hard. I hoped I could find a time to ask him tonight and maybe also find a time to film our coming out video, I didn't want to hide any more, I'd hidden for over ten years and I was done. 

I got up to check on him and couldn't help but smile. He had buttoned his shirt unevenly and overall just messed it up. 

"Ian, you've got that buttoned wrong," I said. He turned to me and then down at his shirt, apparently realizing it for the first time. I watched for a second as he tried unsuccessfully to fix it before deciding that, as amusing as it was, he actually could use some help.

He dropped his arms in defeat once I started undoing and redoing the buttons. I kissed him once I finished and he smiled "now that you have your clothes on properly, are you ready to go?"

He nodded and grabbed his wallet "yeah, I'm good."

I took his arm -cliche as it was- because it made him smile. I'd do just about anything to make him smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I'm just posting on Monday now. 
> 
> Plays o I won't be updating for a few weeks because I'm traveling but I'm going to try to write the rest of it on the plane and stuff. I had some people worry if I will stop writing and I'd just like to say that I will of course finish the sorry, I'd never just leave it unfinished, it's just almost over now. I want to say thank you again and I'll see you next time!


	30. Words Could Never Explain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the biggest moment of your life is only a blink of an eye.

Ian's POV:  
Anthony dropped my hand once we pulled up to the restaurant. I missed the feeling as soon as he did but I knew he had to. He stepped out and I followed, all the while in a comfortable silence. I had to consciously remember not to walk too close or take his hand again. 

We sat at a table near the back so we'd attract less attention if we did end up kissing or something. I'd hated hiding like this, it was almost worse than hiding how I felt about Anthony from him. But I knew I had him even without the kisses and touches so it still better than before. I knew Anthony was more nervous about coming out than I was so it would ultimately be his decision when it happened, I hoped it would be soon.

"Is this an alright first date?" He asked softly as we sat across from each other and ate.

"Yeah, wish I could kiss you though," 

"I know, me too. We can soon."

I hoped he didn't feel like I was pushing him into coming out before he was ready "whenever you're ready, I don't want to pressure you."

He shook his head "I want to,"

I grinned and almost kisses his cheek but I stopped myself "great! When do you want to film the video?"

He shrugged "tonight and post it tomorrow?"

I didn't expect him to say that early but I wasn't going to complain. 

"Do you want to just wait a day to explain instead of a week? That seems like so long."

"You're right, we don't want to kill our fans, just watch them suffer."

I laughed and nodded "yeah, my point exactly."

He smirked "I'd totally kiss you now if I could,"

"I'd totally kiss back."

 

We were holding hands again on the drive back and I was already feeling anxious. We decided to only do minimal editing on the video so we could post it sooner. We were dropping by the P.O. box on the way home so we could have the video be a Mail-Time With Smosh. It was still pretty early but I was already wanting to just curl up with Anthony and go to sleep. 

"Wait in the car or come in?" Anthony asked when we got to the P.O. box.

"I'll stay here if that's okay," he nodded and got out, disappearing inside to grab a few boxes and letters; just enough to fill the video. I tapped my foot impatiently as I waited for him to get back. It seemed to take longer than usual for him to come back but he did after a few minutes. He dropped the bag of mail off in the back seat and got back into the driver's seat.

"So we're ready?" I asked as he started driving back home.

"Yeah, we're ready." His reply hinted at his nervousness and I put my hand on his shoulder, hoping to calm him.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

"I am, Ian. It's just a lot."

"I know what you mean," I said honestly "but it'll be great once it's done."

He nodded "it will, yeah." He still sounded nervous, but less so.

 

Anthony pulled the two boxes into the middle of the living room while I set up the camera to record. We tried as hard as we could to pretend it was just a normal video but, of course, it wasn't.

"Ian, this one's for you." Anthony said once we had introduced the video. He handed me a card which I opened. Inside the card was an amazingly accurate drawing of Daisy and I.

"This is so cool! Thank you!"

I showed Anthony and he agreed as he opened his letter which contained a matching drawing of Pip.

"You guys are so awesome."

He pulled the first box over to us and pulled the tape off the top, sticking it onto my forehead after. I pushed him away and laughed, trying to work the tape out of my hair unsuccessfully. Once Anthony stopped laughing, he crawled back over to me and helped. The only pulled my hair a little as he pulled the tape from it. I tried to glare at him but I really couldn't.

"Why did you think that was necessary?" I asked once it was finally out.

"Why not?" He replied smugly.

"I hate you,"

"You don't."

I flicked a packing-peanut at him "yes I do."

He laughed and rolled his eyes "whatever, you don't."

I gave up, I knew there way he'd let it go "just open the god damn box, loser."

He stood up on his knees to look into the box and grinned. He reached in and pulled out a large pillow that had the Smosh logo and both of our names embroidered on it.

I smiled, partially because it was awesome, and partially because I was glad that it wasn't something he could hit me with.

"This is, like, incredible. Thank you guys so much!" He said, moving back so he was sitting next to me.

Our eyes met for a second and we shared a select understanding. We leaned in at the same time and it was everything we could have asked for. Anthony broke the kiss and stoked the recording, a grin plastered to his face. He packed up the camera and looked at me "head to bed, I'll be in in a minute, I just need to edit this."

"Are you sure you don't want help?"

He shook his head "no, go to bed. It'll only take a minute."

I kissed him again before heading into his -or was it our?- bedroom and changed into a pair of sweatpants. I had already moved most of my clothes into his room now, seeing as I pretty much never went in my actual room. I laid down and waited for him to come in. After a while, I was drifting off. I tried to stay up but it was useless, I was asleep long before Anthony came in.

 

When I woke up, Anthony was sleeping peacefully next to me. It was really nice sleeping with him, not sexually but just being in the same space as him like this. I slipped out of bed, careful not to wake him up. His laptop was still open but the editing program we used was closed so I assumed the video was done. Everything was surrounded my that early-morning feeling that no one could describe but everyone knew. 

I was impatient to post the video but was obviously waiting for Anthony to at least wake up fully.

It didn't take him long to wake up though and he seemed just as excited as I was, although he was a lot more tired.

"Hey," I said as I looked up at him.

"Mornin', sleep well?"

I nodded and nudged his foot with mine as he came and sat next to me at the table.

"Good... So, um, post the video today?"

"Sure, if you want to."

He hesitated a second then nodded "I want to, yeah."

"Okay... Me too."

He took my hand and squeezed gently "then we will. Sorry if I seem nervous."

"It's alright, I'm really nervous too."

"But you still want to?"

"I do, it's just a big thing."

He nodded and rested his chin on the table "yeah, it is."

"I'll let you pick when we post it, I know it's a lot for you."

"Today, definitely today."

"Okay, today it is."

He didn't talk for a moment and I watched him carefully, a little nervous I was pressuring him too much.

"Can we do it now?... Is that too soon?..."

I laughed "not at all! I was actually hoping we could."

He perked up "really? Okay, great!"

"Ready?" I said, getting up and walking with him to the to the couch where his computer was.

We sat with the computer between us and got the video ready to upload. He put his hand on mine and hovered the mouse over the 'upload' button. I looked at him and met his eyes.

I was expecting to feel some sort of jolt or spark when he hit the button but nothing felt different. 

"Did we really just do that?" Anthony said after a minute that felt like an hour.

"Yeah..." I said, unable to hide a grin.

"This is kind of... Amazing?"

I hugged him tightly "yeah, that's the word."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like I said, I couldn't update because I didn't have wifi. I'll be updating weekly again now so don't worry. Please keep leaving feedback because I love it. Okay, bye! See you next week!


	31. Amazing

Anthony's POV  
I almost forgot to let go of his hand once we got to the restaurant but I did just before we got out. I got out and tried not to do anything too obvious as we walked in together. We didn't talk and part of me wanted to but I didn't mind the silence. 

We could pick our seat so I followed Ian to a table in the back. There were a few candles and it was slightly romantic but also not over the top. 

I could tell as we ate that he didn't like having to hide that we were together. His fingers twitched and his eyes darted, I felt bad because I know it was my fault. Even though he said he didn't mind waiting, I knew it was a lie.

"Is this an alright first date?" I asked, trying to get a conversation going.

"Yeah," he replied and dropped his eyes to the table "wish I could kiss you though..."

I felt horrible about making him wait like this when he clearly hated it. 

"I know, me too." I hesitated a second "we can soon." 

If it was entirely my choice, I wouldn't tell anyone for a few months but I couldn't do that to him.

"Whenever you're ready, I don't want to pressure you."

I shook my head in what I hoped was a convincing way "I want to."

His mood lifted considerably "great!" He said with a grin "when do you want to film the video?"

This was just the first time we'd gone out and he was tense and clearly not happy about keeping it from people. I didn't want to come out so soon but he did "tonight and post it tomorrow?"

The anxious feeling grew in my stomach and I hoped he couldn't tell.

"Do you want to wait a day to explain instead of a week? That seems like so long."

Oh god, we were really doing this.

"You're right, we don't want to kill our fans, just watch them suffer."

"Yeah, my point exactly."

 

My heart was pounding as we left the restaurant to pick up some mail for the video. I actually felt lightheaded and was starting to question if I should have Ian drive. He took my hand again though once we got back into the car and I relaxed slightly.

I didn't talk in the car mainly because I was scared if I did, I would sound as nervous as I felt.

"Wait in the car or come in?" I asked once we got there. I was surprised by how fine I sounded.

"I'll stay here if that's okay with you,"

Probably for the best. I was really on edge.

I got the boxes from the P.O. box and somehow didn't drop them or trip. 

"So we're ready?" Ian said once I put the boxes in the back seat and got back into the car.

"Yeah, we're ready."

I knew he could see how nervous I was and he put his hand on my shoulder. I appreciated the effort but it didn't do much to help.

"Are you sure you're ready?"

I nodded because it really was time, I was just scared over nothing "I am, Ian, it's just a lot."

"I know what you mean, but it will be great once it's done."

"It will," I said, and I was actually starting to believe it.

 

Ian didn't seem to mind that we drove in silence again, probably thinking about how great it would be once we were public or something like that. I wasn't excited but by the time we got home, I wasn't scared either.

We got the video set up quickly and started recording within a few minutes. I was actually a little excited to be out, I hoped that doing that would give me some sort of closure with the topic. 

"Ian," I said, handing him a letter with shaking hands "this one's for you."

I half payed attention as he opened it and admired the expertly drawn illustration of Daisy. He praised it and set it aside on the table while I opened the second letter that came with it. Inside was a drawing of Pip in the same style which, despite being a nervous wreck, I had to complement.

"You guys are so awesome!" I hoped my anxiety didn't show through my voice.

I had only grabbed the letters and a box from the P.O. box so it wouldn't take us long to edit it. I pulled it over to us and started taking off the tape and decided to stick it onto Ian's head because why not. He pushed my chest gently and knocked me back. I was laughing the whole time and he struggled to get the tape out of his hair. I moved back over to him and pulled his hands away to help him. He went cross-eyed to watch me and looked absolutely adorable. I almost kissed him right then and there but stopped myself. I tried not to pull his hair too much but I could see him wince a few times before I finally got it out. He shot me a glare but I could tell he wasn't actually mad.

"Why did you think that was necessary?" He asked and his glare faded into a grin.

I shrugged "why not?" 

"I hate you."

"You don't."

I had almost forgotten about being nervous now. He flicked one of the packing peanuts in the box at me. It hit me in the forehead and I laughed again.

"Yes I do," he grumbled half-heartedly.

"Whatever, you don't."

"Just open the god damn box, loser."

I got into my knees to look into the box. Inside was a blue pillow embroidered with the Smosh logo as well as both of our names. It was amazing and Ian clearly agreed by the look he gave when I showed him. 

I sat back down next to him "this is, like, incredible. Thank you guys so much!"

I met his eyes and saw something on his face that told me that things would be okay. We kissed and any nervousness I had felt faded away. I pulled away first and stopped the recording. I didn't feel scared anymore, I was actually excited. I looked at him as I got the footage ready to edit. He yawned and leaned back against the couch.

"Head to bed, I'll be in in a minute. I just need to edit this."

"Are you sure you don't want help?"

"No," I said softly "go to bed, it'll only take a minute."

That was a lie, I was going to stay up to make this video look good. I didn't want our coming out video to be just thrown together last minute.

He kissed me again before going into the room. I settled down on the couch to edit the video.

 

It was close to midnight when I finished and I was falling asleep on the couch. I closed the computer and went into bed. As I expected, Ian was fast asleep on -what he had claimed as- his side of the bed. I laid down next to him and smiled and comfortable warmth he provided.

 

Ian was gone when I woke up but I could hear him messing around outside the closed door. It took me a few minutes to actually get up but when I did, Ian was on his phone at the table. He glanced at me and I sat next to him.

"Hey," he said, his voice rough with sleep.

"Mornin', sleep well?"

"Good..." He bit his lip "so, um, post the video today?"

I had almost forgotten about that, almost "sure, if you want to."

He took a second to nod and I was a little glad that he was nervous too.

"I want to, yeah."

"Okay..." I muttered and then spoke up slightly "me too."

I took his hand and smiled at him "it's alright, sorry if I seem nervous."

"It's alright, I'm really nervous too."

"But you still want to?" I asked, unsure what answer I wanted to hear.

"I do, it's just a big thing."

I sighed and set my head on the table, tired from staying up so late "yeah, it is."

"I'll let you pick when we post it, I know it's a lot for you." His voice was kind but I could hear his impatience.

"Today, definitely today."

I could see how happy that made him and I felt better.

"Okay, today it is."

He didn't say anything after that. He tapped his foot impatiently and I knew he wanted to post it now. I mean, we could. There was no reason we couldn't besides that Ian would never suggest it.

"Can we do it now?..." I asked, hoping I sounded more confident than I felt "is that too soon?"

He laughed "not at all! I was actually hoping we could." I knew that, of course.

"Really? Okay great."

He stood up and walked into the living room "ready?" He said as he sat down on the couch.

I followed, my heart pounding in my chest, and sat next to him. He put the computer between us and I got the video ready to upload while also trying to keep my breathing at a normal pace.

By the time the mouse was on the 'upload' button, I didn't know how Ian hadn't figured out how freaked out I was. I met his eyes and could see that he was nervous too which was comforting. He put his hand on mine and that helped even more, I knew I wasn't alone in this; or anything else for that matter.

Before I knew it, we had hit the button and oh my god we were actually out. It took a few minutes for that to sink in and even then, it didn't feel real.

"Did we really just do that?"

I looked over at him and he was grinning so I knew I had done the right thing "yeah."

"This is kind of... Amazing?" I said, actually believing it.

He hugged me "yeah, that's the world."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading again! You guys are seriously awesome and I love you all so much! Keep leaving comments and kudos, they make me so happy. And yeah, see you next week!


	32. Set My Heart On Fire (Epilogue Part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months later...

Ian's POV:

It has been three months since Anthony and I posted the video of us kissing and then the explanation video the next day. The days following had been nothing less than iconic.

Anthony is eating normally and is no longer underweight. His ribs no longer show under his skin; I would know, I see him shirtless a lot. The fans have been so supportive of everything and things just seem so right. I couldn't ask for anything more in the world.

 

"Come on, kitten. It's almost time for lunch." Anthony said, making me turn away from my computer in our office.

"I'll just be a second. You head out to the car."

He kissed my cheek the way he always did to tell me goodbye and walked out. I looked back to the computer and finished saving the video I was working on. I followed him out after a few minutes and got into the passenger seat of the car.

"Took you long enough." He said with a grin as he pulled out onto the road.

"Shut up, asshole. Are you sure you want to do this?"

He turned the opposite way from our apartment and he nodded solemnly.

"Yeah, I'm good."

I smiled out the window and watched as I started to see more and more people around the busy LA street. Signs saying stuff like "happy pride", "love comes in all colors", and "love is love" were pretty much everywhere. The entire street became a rainbow within seconds and Anthony pulled into one of the few available parking spaces. Both of us looked at each other and grinned, getting out at the same time.

I got caught up in the craziness of all of it for a second but Anthony's hand in mine kept me grounded. Loud Katy Perry, Lady Gaga, and other pop songs played from huge speakers down the street and a girl stood next to them with a microphone, talking to people and getting everyone excited for this year's LA pride parade.

"Can I have everyone's attention for just a second?" Her voice rang out "before we do anything else. Can I get all of the couples to raise their hands?"

Anthony and I looked at each other again and raised our hands, only a little nervously.

"Awesome. So we're going to play a song and let's get all of you dancing. Everyone else, go find yourself a friend." She put stress on the last word and winked, stepping down off the stage.

I moved with Anthony through the crowd and out to where all the other lgbt couples in LA were gathering by the stage.

I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly started playing over the speakers and Anthony put his hands on my waist. I snaked my arms around his neck and smiled softly. We swayed to the music because neither of us can dance.

"I love you," he said. I could barely hear him over the shouts and music but I knew what he said.

"I love you too, Anthony." I kissed him and, for once, couldn't feel every eye on us. It felt nice that we weren't the center of attention and for a few hours, we were just faces in a crowd.

"Happy pride." I said to him as the song ended.

"Happy pride, Ian."

I rested my head on his shoulder and closed me eyes. I could feel his calm breathing and his hands on my hips and I knew this moment was the kind I'd never forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So as you can see from the title, this is the second to last chapter. I can't thank you guys enough for reading and putting up with my horrible editing and scheduling, it's been amazing. I'm going to get into all this shit next week but for now that's all.
> 
> I'd still love some more feedback, it makes all the work worth it to know you guys like it.


	33. The Only Hope For Me Is You (Epilogue Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months after they came out and Anthony is finally recovering.

Anthony's POV:  
Funny the way a person can change you and not even know it. Ian knew he had helped me, but I don't think he'll ever understand just how much. I don't feel sick at the thought of food anymore and I can look at myself shirtless and not want to break the mirror. It's only been three months but he's done so much for me.

Some days I get caught up in memories; in just thinking about how far my life has come. I'll never forget that calm, bitter feeling of a razor blade or the cold, constant feeling of starving myself but they just don't feel good like they used to.

I never had a chance to think for long though, Ian always managed to interrupt me somehow. This was just another example. He was drumming his fingers on his desk loudly and if it was anyone else, I might have been annoyed. I looked at the clock on my computer screen and closed the program I had open.

"Come on, kitten." I said "it's almost time for lunch."

He turned and smiled, his face lighting up with eagerness "I'll just be a second. You head out to the car."

I kissed his cheek and started making my way outside. It had, at some point, become a habit to kiss goodbye. Cliche maybe but we were cliche as fuck. The fans loved that. We didn't hide much anymore, there wasn't a need to.

I got into the car and closed my eyes. Four months ago, the idea of coming out made me panic, the idea of doing anything this public... I couldn't even imagine it.

After a few minutes, Ian walked out as well and got into the passenger seat.

"Took you long enough," I taunted as I started driving.

His eyes glanced away from the window for just a second "shut up, asshole." His joking tone faded "are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yeah, I'm good." I said honestly.

 

I always knew about the LA pride parade was a huge event, but id never bothered to notice how huge until now. Parking was hard to find but I found a spot after a while or looking and pulled in. I looked over at Ian and found him already looking at me. I returned his smile and stepped out into the street.

I had expected my heart to start racing as soon as I stepped out but I felt fine. For once, we weren't Ian and Anthony from Smosh, we were just two guys. I loved my life but it was nice to not be just two guys in the crowd once and a while.

I took Ian's hand and he looked at me, grinning widely. I smiled back and knew none of it was faked, I was genuinely completely happy.

Somewhere behind the blaring pop songs, a girl's voice rang out. She was standing on a small stage with a microphone. Her shoulder length hair was dyed red and falling in her face and her black Fall Out Boy shirt stood out against the bright colors around her, but it wasn't as if anyone cared.

"Can I have everyone's attention for just a second?" She asked and the music volume lowered and the talking died down to a few whispers "before we do anything else, can I get all the couples to raise their hands?"

I glanced at Ian and raised my hand that wasn't holding his, he did the same and pressed closer to my side, which was comforting.

"Awesome. So we're going to play a song and let's get all of you dancing." Oh crap, I wasn't a dancer by any means. That didn't seem to stop Ian from pulling me to where the other couples were gathering and talking.

"Everyone else," she said as she stepped off the stage "go find yourself a _friend_."

The way she said 'friend' made everyone laugh, even me.

Ian wrapped his arms around my neck as soon as the song started playing, a song I later realized was I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly. I put my arms around his waist and smiled. For a second I was scared that I wouldn't be able to dance like other people but it seemed that everyone else was just swaying to the music and enjoying themselves, Ian and I did the same.

"I love you." I said. I could hardly hear my own voice over the background noise but I knew from his smile that he understood.

"I love you too, Anthony." He kissed me and I could feel him grinning in the most adorable way.

"Happy pride." He said to me once he broke the kiss.

"Happy pride, Ian." I replied.

He put his head on my shoulder and in that moment, watching him, I felt something I hadn't felt in years; pure, undeniable hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright guys, that was it. I'm actually tearing up right now because this story has been a big part of my life. I still can't believe how supportive you guys have been this whole time. It's been a hell of a rude and I can't thank you guys enough for sticking around.
> 
> If you guys want to subscribe to my account that would be awesome, I post youtube, bands, and supernatural; if you subscribe it would mean the world to me. You can always leave comments on this work, even now that it's done, it's so helpful to hear what you guys think.
> 
> I just want to thank you again from the bottom of my heart, you guys are the best readers I could ask for and thank you so so much. I love you guys.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading, guys. Please leave kudos and comments, I really appreciate them. Leave any and all feedback (positive and negative) either in a comment or on my Tumblr (https://www.tumblr.com/blog/that-fangirl-becca)  
> I'll probaly post chapters on Saturday/Sunday so expect them then from now on.


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